I just wiped off a teary mascara smudge on my mouse pad and just realized how hard my life has become recently. Awareness is everything and right now I am super aware of it all. All the holes I had been filling with friends, food, and activities are pretty raw and open now that I have cleared those unhealthy habits. They are healing, thank Jah Jah, but they are still wounded and hurting. I see the five year old me and I want to hold her hand and let her know that it is okay to cry, okay to scream, okay to throw the occasional tantrum. As long as she gets it out of her system, it’s all good. That is the same for grown-ups. We oftentimes just need some sort of release to happen and the rest of it is golden.
My afternoon is a perfect example: I spent the morning having a nightmarish dream where some sort of evil being was ravaging the town I was in and I was attempting to evade it without much success. Then I woke up to realize that I might just have the house to myself, and that meant one thing: laundry time! It might not sound so exciting, but in a house of 5+ people and one washer and dryer, it's a rare treat to find them empty and available. I hopped out of bed, walked downstairs, and set the washer to fill with water (my secret to reserving it for myself) and I ran back upstairs and quickly stripped my bed of the sheets that have seen way too much of my body in the past three weeks. Between hurting my back and the ascension symptoms I’ve been experiencing, my bed has been my best friend.
I want to care for my friend as it has cared for me and I headed downstairs for the long overdue washing and drying of my bed linens. I was stoked to realize that I was actually home alone and could have a peaceful breakfast (well, brunch, b/c it was noon) by myself and do my thing without a care in the world. I was able to do almost all of my laundry and realize just how many clothes I have (waiting three weeks to do laundry would leave most people without anything to wear). I even rearranged my room and put stuff away in the closet, thus freeing up some space to eventually practice yoga! I moved rooms before getting hurt and wasn’t able to create the space I need and throw out the stuff I so did not want anymore.
After the rearranging and the laundry, I swept my floor and cleared out a month’s worth of dust and dirt. I’m a pretty clean person so it wasn’t totally filthy, but I do love me a clean room. I don’t even want my friends going into my room unless it’s perfectly organized and pretty. I feel so much more clear in my head when my sheets are smooth and my pillows fluffed. It took twenty-eight years for my mother’s clean freak to manifest in me, and I welcome it with open arms. Cleanliness is super important in a spiritual practice, for it symbolizes so much in life. If your heart and mind are clean, you really want it to show in the 3-D world.
I actually remember the first time I felt the cleaning bug bite me on the ass. It was after the 3rd chakra clearing at Leah’s meditation group and I realized how much crap I had in my car. So I went for it and cleaned the whole thing, even organizing my trunk. And it felt so good I was really quite proud of myself. Since then I haven’t let anything get too dirty or disorganized, which is quite the opposite of how I used to be when I was younger and in college. My bed would only be made if someone else felt the need, or if company was coming over. It was way easier when I just had a sheet and a comforter, but now I have three blankets or more and five pillows, so it takes me at least five minutes to get the whole thing situated. But the feeling I get when I come back into the room after I cleaned it makes it all worthwhile. It’s like a deep breath of fresh air.
It also shows that I am taking care of myself and acting like the adult that I am rather than wanting some unknown mother-type figure to magically come in and make it all pretty while I’m out getting my toes done. I may have grown up in the environment where having maids and servants was not too far from reality (my mom has had a weekly housecleaner most of my life) but I really dig the whole DIY thing. It helps one feel fulfilled and useful.
Having a clean room is definitely one way to love yourself and feel at peace. It is much easier to create, meditate, practice yoga, and even sleep when you are in a clean room. Clutter in the mind is created from clutter around, so do yourself a favor and make it a daily habit of straightening up your living space. Chi flows so much better when the surfaces are free of debris and unnecessary items.
I just realized that I had started this whole room cleaning rant as an example for why we need to have emotional releases. So let me get back to that... After I did all this cleaning, my house started filling back up. The noise level was increasing, as was the psychic/energetic noise. I am super sensitive to all of this lately and I still have this disjointed feeling wreaking havoc on my nervous system when I want to be alone yet there are people to hang out with in the house. I know I am meant to be alone and no one is judging me (most of my housemates spend tons of time in their room, as well) but I feel like I want to escape and be with them b/c it's sunny and I have time. Basically I feel like I "should" hang out with them and I am avoiding something and doing the wrong thing by being alone. If no one is home, I'm totally fine by myself. But as soon as people gather downstairs, I feel like the left-out child with social problems. This is completely untrue yet I still feel that way. I'm working on those belief statements...
Anyway, the anxiety was building as more people were coming home and I didn't know what to do with myself. I started texting my close girlfriends for some support as the emotional tidal wave was about to crest and I didn't know what to do except let it fall over me and hope that I was able to resurface quickly. I did have a big energetic healing session yesterday so it makes sense that I get to release the emotions that were freed yesterday, and they were deep core issues associated with my 3rd chakra and my heart. I didn't know what to do; I started feeling like I was going to lose it, and so I just cried. I didn't even know what specifically I was crying about, I just knew that I had to cry and let it out. So I did. I was texting and crying and hoping no one could hear me sobbing on my bed while they were laughing downstairs. After a few minutes I started to feel better. I stopped crying and realized that all I needed to do was let it go. I felt less crazy, stronger, and happy for myself that I allowed the space for this pain to be felt and released. In the past I would run from it, and shove it down or numb it somehow. This time I actually sat with it and let the whole emotional release process do what it needed to do. And I felt way better for it.
Now I'm at a cafe and writing for the first time in a really long time (three months is a long time for a writer to not write). I wouldn't be here right now getting this work done if I spent that time shootin the shit with my housemates, not really wanting to be there or hear what they had to say. Sticking to your soul's desires always proves beneficial in the end, even if it's not fun. Personal and emotional growth is not always fun, but it is always a good positive thing, and I am so grateful that I am strong enough to do this on my own.
So, yeah, I guess I'm just trying to encourage you all to honor how you are feeling at any given moment, and to really dig deep and figure out what is the best way to honor your process at that moment. Sometimes it means just going for a walk, or calling a friend, or facing the person you really are having issues with. For me it meant letting my guard down, crying my eyes out for a few minutes, then getting my stuff together and writing (my newest income source). I am glad that I'm surrounded by college students b/c I fit in, looking all stressed-out and tired and writing up a storm on my MacBook. I actually don't look all that bad. I'm glowing, actually, b/c of all this energy boosting I've been experiencing this month. People still stare at me and I wonder what the hell they are looking at, then I catch sight of my eyes and realize how clear, blue, and powerful they are. You can truly see into my heart and soul and I'm sure people feel the love and compassion that I emanate.
This tenderness is what has created such a sensitive space in time for me, yet it is what draws humans and animals into my experience. People love being around me b/c of it and yet it is hard to be around them most of the time. Such a paradox! I retreat to my room daily and yet I know others need me. It's a balance I need to find, and right now I'm giving my Self all the space and quiet time that I require to fully honor and love my process and path right now.
It's funny how much energy I literally feel manifesting in my neck and jaw from the throat chakra clearing and opening. I felt like I had whiplash and closed my eyes and moved it down into the earth, and it was gone immediately. I am way more powerful and able to move energy than ever before. I just need to pay attention, see where it is manifesting from, and I can clear just about anything. I face it, talk to it, and then let it go. It works!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Monday, August 23, 2010
letting go
so two days later, it has become clear to me that i was completely correct the other day and I was definitely going through an energetic purging and healing, all through my relationship with my housemate and with the situation i've found myself in lately. It's funny that you can have so much happen for you and to you without the other person even being aware of any of it...
I ended up finding a passage in "Oneness" that corroborated this phenomenon. It told of experiences we have that may seem like total overreactions or completely misguided in terms of who is involved in the issue. In other words, why would this person cause me to feel this way, and this intensely? B/c that is precisely why we are all here now and what we need to do for each other.
B/c of the past few days, I have discovered and healed this super wound I was carrying around with me, and now I'm able to be in an intimate relationship free from all that baggage and expectation. I even had an amazing evening with another housemate where true connections and understanding were present, all b/c of the openness I feel due to my earlier clearing and processing. I had to have the space to let all of that flow through, and not impede the energetic flow with anything else (and other people always help create the "anything else").
I get the best information when just lying on my bed/foam pad, when I really dig in and let go of what I think my experience "should" be. It's my sacred space and I am immensely and eternally grateful for it :)
I ended up finding a passage in "Oneness" that corroborated this phenomenon. It told of experiences we have that may seem like total overreactions or completely misguided in terms of who is involved in the issue. In other words, why would this person cause me to feel this way, and this intensely? B/c that is precisely why we are all here now and what we need to do for each other.
B/c of the past few days, I have discovered and healed this super wound I was carrying around with me, and now I'm able to be in an intimate relationship free from all that baggage and expectation. I even had an amazing evening with another housemate where true connections and understanding were present, all b/c of the openness I feel due to my earlier clearing and processing. I had to have the space to let all of that flow through, and not impede the energetic flow with anything else (and other people always help create the "anything else").
I get the best information when just lying on my bed/foam pad, when I really dig in and let go of what I think my experience "should" be. It's my sacred space and I am immensely and eternally grateful for it :)
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Sitting with emotions (8/21/10)
Okay so I am back here to the proverbial chopping block, waiting to be freed of yet another piece of the armor I used to wear to "protect" me from life and love and the good stuff I always missed out on, for fear of getting hurt and feeling something bad. Now my philosophy is: bring it on! I am so ready and willing and able, it's on for sure.
I just got to a cafe and realized how strong and powerful and amazing I really am. Not in an arrogant way, just really felt in my power and understood the level of Lizness that I now embody. I was feeling sad b/c I don't have a schedule these days and not a lot of money nor people to spend it on and with. I am left with myself (scary) and figuring out what the hell to do and why I feel so sad. I'm not scared or worried, just really sad. I even had a dream last night that had the same emotion as the fabric that held it all together, and I woke up feeling that same sadness. Just so alone, so alone and not like a loser b/c I am alone, just a kind of knowing that I will be alone for a long time. It doesn't make sense in this time and space, I think it's a relic from a different time, but it is really making itself known right now and I just want to cry when my housemate doesn't want to hang out with me (doesn't help that I have a crush on him and just want to spend all day giggling and chatting and basking the fun energy of mutual crushy yumminess) b/c he is busy with his music and wanting alone time hiking in Tilden. I so wish I could be a part of his experience, yet I know that it would ultimately just be me running away and escaping my own experience, and just pushing this off to the side and ignoring what I really need to be focusing in right now this second in front of my face.
I had a few options of daylong excursions with people, and I chose to say no b/c I knew I had to deal with something and there is a reason for this all. As I'm saying this, a really uncomfortable feeling came into my stomach, like I don't want to see this and I want to hide from it b/c I feel like an idiot for being alone. Why wouldn't I want to hang out with new people or go swim up in Humboldt all weekend... b/c I need to be with me right now. As uncomfortable and yucky as I feel right now, this is serving some divine purpose and I need to trust that and give myself a huge freakin break.
**Deep Breaths**
There is a reason I'm not connecting with housemates in terms of hangout time lately, there is a reason I am here in this cafe right now, there is a reason I'm single and without a job, there is a reason I am wearing my furry boots and sipping a delicious beverage, all while writing my cares away.
I miss the moments of travel where I could just go out and do whatever there was to be done, and meet cool people in the process. I had this whole day with crush_boy planned in my mind: wake up, get coffee/tea and snack at Gratitude, walk around town, go on a hike, have picnic in park, go to brunch at A & Ps house tonight, and come back to hang out in the backyard or possibly go somewhere where we can actually see the stars. How amazing does that sound? I am so ready to have some friends or a partner that is wanting to do the same thing. As I write that last part I feel a constriction in my solar plexus... weird. Am I afraid to lose my power in a relationship, or am I trying too hard to make it happen? I am getting that the last part is the truth of the matter. The best laid plans... something something. Just not MY something something, apparently.
I am bored, I am lonely, I am uncomfortable, I am sad, I feel like I'm nothing, in a way. What is this? And why are my friends not able to talk on the phone?
Ugghhhh.... I just feel like crying. I could cry right now. My eyes are definitely tearing up. If I were in SD I would go on a beach/canyon walk and connect to Source at the sacred bluff space I found so healing and helpful. I would so love to be in a space like that, and GG park with the Grandmothers was so not my scene today. I couldn't be real with that many new people. So where am I supposed to go now? I just got that where I need to go, is inside. I am here, I can feel and see the bluff inside my mind's eye right now, and I always have that with me. I miss my family, I miss being able to talk with my mom and have her be sober, I miss my dad telling me he's proud of me and that he loves me. I miss being a part of my family. I miss having a family. Even the folks in Seattle were down with family time on the weekends and not randomly busy mixing music and doing their own thing without everyone else.
I just got to a cafe and realized how strong and powerful and amazing I really am. Not in an arrogant way, just really felt in my power and understood the level of Lizness that I now embody. I was feeling sad b/c I don't have a schedule these days and not a lot of money nor people to spend it on and with. I am left with myself (scary) and figuring out what the hell to do and why I feel so sad. I'm not scared or worried, just really sad. I even had a dream last night that had the same emotion as the fabric that held it all together, and I woke up feeling that same sadness. Just so alone, so alone and not like a loser b/c I am alone, just a kind of knowing that I will be alone for a long time. It doesn't make sense in this time and space, I think it's a relic from a different time, but it is really making itself known right now and I just want to cry when my housemate doesn't want to hang out with me (doesn't help that I have a crush on him and just want to spend all day giggling and chatting and basking the fun energy of mutual crushy yumminess) b/c he is busy with his music and wanting alone time hiking in Tilden. I so wish I could be a part of his experience, yet I know that it would ultimately just be me running away and escaping my own experience, and just pushing this off to the side and ignoring what I really need to be focusing in right now this second in front of my face.
I had a few options of daylong excursions with people, and I chose to say no b/c I knew I had to deal with something and there is a reason for this all. As I'm saying this, a really uncomfortable feeling came into my stomach, like I don't want to see this and I want to hide from it b/c I feel like an idiot for being alone. Why wouldn't I want to hang out with new people or go swim up in Humboldt all weekend... b/c I need to be with me right now. As uncomfortable and yucky as I feel right now, this is serving some divine purpose and I need to trust that and give myself a huge freakin break.
**Deep Breaths**
There is a reason I'm not connecting with housemates in terms of hangout time lately, there is a reason I am here in this cafe right now, there is a reason I'm single and without a job, there is a reason I am wearing my furry boots and sipping a delicious beverage, all while writing my cares away.
I miss the moments of travel where I could just go out and do whatever there was to be done, and meet cool people in the process. I had this whole day with crush_boy planned in my mind: wake up, get coffee/tea and snack at Gratitude, walk around town, go on a hike, have picnic in park, go to brunch at A & Ps house tonight, and come back to hang out in the backyard or possibly go somewhere where we can actually see the stars. How amazing does that sound? I am so ready to have some friends or a partner that is wanting to do the same thing. As I write that last part I feel a constriction in my solar plexus... weird. Am I afraid to lose my power in a relationship, or am I trying too hard to make it happen? I am getting that the last part is the truth of the matter. The best laid plans... something something. Just not MY something something, apparently.
I am bored, I am lonely, I am uncomfortable, I am sad, I feel like I'm nothing, in a way. What is this? And why are my friends not able to talk on the phone?
Ugghhhh.... I just feel like crying. I could cry right now. My eyes are definitely tearing up. If I were in SD I would go on a beach/canyon walk and connect to Source at the sacred bluff space I found so healing and helpful. I would so love to be in a space like that, and GG park with the Grandmothers was so not my scene today. I couldn't be real with that many new people. So where am I supposed to go now? I just got that where I need to go, is inside. I am here, I can feel and see the bluff inside my mind's eye right now, and I always have that with me. I miss my family, I miss being able to talk with my mom and have her be sober, I miss my dad telling me he's proud of me and that he loves me. I miss being a part of my family. I miss having a family. Even the folks in Seattle were down with family time on the weekends and not randomly busy mixing music and doing their own thing without everyone else.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Into the light
Okay so I just did a little venting session and deleted all that I just wrote... Whew, feel a bit better now. I was struggling on Sunday and Monday for a number of reasons, but last night it all worked itself out! I spent the day doing my thing, taking care of myself, and then just ignored my housemates rather than getting pulled into Joanna's need for family time, and I ended up feeling amazing! Melissa will feel so much more welcome and comfortable now than if she arrived earlier. A lot of tension was building up in me and last night it just dissipated when I started really being still and not judging myself and being fully supportive and smart about my situation and my life. It's really all good. All good. It's hard sometimes and we just need to learn to deal with it and make it work without killing other people or taking it out on the world. If you need to hide away, hide away. If you need to go on a drive, go on a drive. Do whatever you need to do and do not feel bad about it. B/c once you feel better, the whole world smiles back at you and thanks you for being strong and mature enough to deal with it on your own.
Go team!
Go team!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Trusting the Universe
I was just telling Joanna yesterday that I knew something was going to work out for my housing situation, and that it would be perfect for the place I'm in (in terms of life journey), and it would work itself out in time and even though I have ten days to figure it out, I am not stressing nor getting antsy or crazy with wondering when and how it will work out. I just knew it would. It always has in the past, and it always will. Stressing just causes unnecessary pain and strife, so this time I made a conscious decision to let it go and surrender and watch the universe unveil the delightful treasures as the time comes for me to accept them into the present moment.
And last night, after an unsuccessful roommate interview, I received an email that gave me the good happy vibes all over, and the knowing that it is definitely all good and my opportunity was handed to me on a silver platter, with a smile and a "good on ya" from the universe. I did good. I patiently waited and was rewarded in turn. And perhaps I was a good example for Joanna, as I told her something would work out and now it is working out just as I knew it would.
I haven't yet spoken to the people in the house yet, but I know in my heart that it is the perfect place for me to be. One housemate emailed me yesterday and then today another one decided to email me and let me know that she is definitely in line with having me live there, just from reading my posting on craigslist. It just feels so right! She is a super yogini and I am definitely looking to be surrounded by similar high vibrational energy, and they even run a superfood business through their co-op. It's in the perfect part of town, right near Yoga Kula and literally just on the next block over from where I used to live! They could even share backyards... crazy how things work out when you let them.
I just remembered Carol telling me that "the community you are looking for is in Berkeley, and the job is in Alameda." And now I found the children's program in Alameda and this communal house in Berkeley... awesome :)
And I just made a new friend last night! We got along right away and she even likes yoga, so she can be a yoga buddy! She will probably be in the city, but I can visit her and we can talk Astrology b/c she's super into it like I am. She's a believer. She even blogs and walks a lot, like me. It's funny b/c we were both interviewing for the same place in a house, and neither of us really wanted to live there. She wants to live in the city and I want to live with yoga people. Funny how that happens. I knew beforehand that I wouldn't want to live at the house but I also knew there was some reason for me to go anyway, and my new friend was the answer!
So today I'm definitely feeling really good. I bought some tea for myself (I've been out of tea for a week) and I was excited to make it this morning, plus my housemates all left and retreated to their rooms when I woke up, thus freeing up some breathing room... Having the kitchen to myself is such a rarity these days, I fully appreciate it when I can rinse something in the sink without anyone hovering over me and stealing the water from me occasionally. Can't they wait until I've rinsed off a dish before they have to rinse their fruit? Seriously, people, give me some freakin space! And all the pots are always dirty, I am so glad I am leaving that house in less than ten days, or else we would have to seriously talk about how we all operate in the kitchen. But as it is, I am leaving, so I can just do my thing and make the best of it and not delve into serious personality clashes.
I just think it's amusing now when I can literally feel the judgement coming from people, and knowing that they have some serious sh*t to work on. It has nothing to do with me and I feel so strong in living my life exactly how I want and know it is meant to be lived, and not caring what other people think or how they react to my life. I'm so above and beyond all that crap, it's so freeing. I feel like I can fly! My housemate totally judges everything all the time, and I know she does it to herself, too, so I have compassion for her process and don't take it personally. It irritates me but doesn't hurt me, if that makes sense. I just don't want to be around it and would never live with her again. I'm so not looking for anyone to constantly scrutinize what I'm doing, where I'm going, what I'm eating/drinking, and to actively and obviously judge it and not even try to hide her reaction (which is usually negative and critical). My parents don't even do that! Thank God! If she does that to me, what does she do to herself, or to her partner? Man oh man... it must be hard to be her.
My life just keeps getting better and better, as I keep repeating in these posts. It's true though, and I'm so happy about it. I'm not always sunshine and rainbows, b/c the ungroundedness of my life at the moment can be really tough emotionally, and I keep an even keel when it comes to maintaining my sanity and connection to Source. I take off when I need to escape the house, I close my door when I need alone time, I'll go to the woods when I need Nature to help myself clear, I'll go on walks when I need to move the energy, I'll call friends when I need to hear their voice and to know they are there, and I'll go buy food when I need to eat. I'm taking care of myself in a way I've never done before and it feels so amazing, I'm so in love with my life.
I told Laura that my life is like a treasure hunt, I just keep moving forward and looking out for clues, and gems keep popping up in the form of friends, lessons, experiences, cafes, a ha! moments, music, etc... I just keep myself open, keep loving, keep staying connected, and it all works out! It all works out. It really does. I have total faith and trust and things just keep falling into place, one by one. I love it. Lovelovelove it. Thank you god, thank you universe, thank you friends and family, thank you everything and everyone! And thanks to me for making this happen, and allowing it to unfold. I'm living it! Go me!
And last night, after an unsuccessful roommate interview, I received an email that gave me the good happy vibes all over, and the knowing that it is definitely all good and my opportunity was handed to me on a silver platter, with a smile and a "good on ya" from the universe. I did good. I patiently waited and was rewarded in turn. And perhaps I was a good example for Joanna, as I told her something would work out and now it is working out just as I knew it would.
I haven't yet spoken to the people in the house yet, but I know in my heart that it is the perfect place for me to be. One housemate emailed me yesterday and then today another one decided to email me and let me know that she is definitely in line with having me live there, just from reading my posting on craigslist. It just feels so right! She is a super yogini and I am definitely looking to be surrounded by similar high vibrational energy, and they even run a superfood business through their co-op. It's in the perfect part of town, right near Yoga Kula and literally just on the next block over from where I used to live! They could even share backyards... crazy how things work out when you let them.
I just remembered Carol telling me that "the community you are looking for is in Berkeley, and the job is in Alameda." And now I found the children's program in Alameda and this communal house in Berkeley... awesome :)
And I just made a new friend last night! We got along right away and she even likes yoga, so she can be a yoga buddy! She will probably be in the city, but I can visit her and we can talk Astrology b/c she's super into it like I am. She's a believer. She even blogs and walks a lot, like me. It's funny b/c we were both interviewing for the same place in a house, and neither of us really wanted to live there. She wants to live in the city and I want to live with yoga people. Funny how that happens. I knew beforehand that I wouldn't want to live at the house but I also knew there was some reason for me to go anyway, and my new friend was the answer!
So today I'm definitely feeling really good. I bought some tea for myself (I've been out of tea for a week) and I was excited to make it this morning, plus my housemates all left and retreated to their rooms when I woke up, thus freeing up some breathing room... Having the kitchen to myself is such a rarity these days, I fully appreciate it when I can rinse something in the sink without anyone hovering over me and stealing the water from me occasionally. Can't they wait until I've rinsed off a dish before they have to rinse their fruit? Seriously, people, give me some freakin space! And all the pots are always dirty, I am so glad I am leaving that house in less than ten days, or else we would have to seriously talk about how we all operate in the kitchen. But as it is, I am leaving, so I can just do my thing and make the best of it and not delve into serious personality clashes.
I just think it's amusing now when I can literally feel the judgement coming from people, and knowing that they have some serious sh*t to work on. It has nothing to do with me and I feel so strong in living my life exactly how I want and know it is meant to be lived, and not caring what other people think or how they react to my life. I'm so above and beyond all that crap, it's so freeing. I feel like I can fly! My housemate totally judges everything all the time, and I know she does it to herself, too, so I have compassion for her process and don't take it personally. It irritates me but doesn't hurt me, if that makes sense. I just don't want to be around it and would never live with her again. I'm so not looking for anyone to constantly scrutinize what I'm doing, where I'm going, what I'm eating/drinking, and to actively and obviously judge it and not even try to hide her reaction (which is usually negative and critical). My parents don't even do that! Thank God! If she does that to me, what does she do to herself, or to her partner? Man oh man... it must be hard to be her.
My life just keeps getting better and better, as I keep repeating in these posts. It's true though, and I'm so happy about it. I'm not always sunshine and rainbows, b/c the ungroundedness of my life at the moment can be really tough emotionally, and I keep an even keel when it comes to maintaining my sanity and connection to Source. I take off when I need to escape the house, I close my door when I need alone time, I'll go to the woods when I need Nature to help myself clear, I'll go on walks when I need to move the energy, I'll call friends when I need to hear their voice and to know they are there, and I'll go buy food when I need to eat. I'm taking care of myself in a way I've never done before and it feels so amazing, I'm so in love with my life.
I told Laura that my life is like a treasure hunt, I just keep moving forward and looking out for clues, and gems keep popping up in the form of friends, lessons, experiences, cafes, a ha! moments, music, etc... I just keep myself open, keep loving, keep staying connected, and it all works out! It all works out. It really does. I have total faith and trust and things just keep falling into place, one by one. I love it. Lovelovelove it. Thank you god, thank you universe, thank you friends and family, thank you everything and everyone! And thanks to me for making this happen, and allowing it to unfold. I'm living it! Go me!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Letting it all go
So lately I've felt the collective unease of all those around me, and it does not feel good. It seems like every single person I'm in contact with, aside from one, is going through some serious sh*t. Like, deep down questioning of Self and the Universe kind of sh*t. And that takes a LOT of energy to go through, and to listen to... I know b/c I'm going through it, kinda, and mostly listening other people just getting started. I'm lucky that I've already done the deep soul searching and now I'm out of the chrysalis and already the butterfly, and now just getting things going. I know what I want to do and who I am, and I'm in the process of creating the life I want to live. Those around me are mostly just starting to question their lives and leave their current vocations. That is very frightening and exciting, and I seem to be attracting them b/c I have done the same thing quite successfully. I was way more open to spirituality, though, than these folks seem to be. Some of them don't even believe in God or anything like that. I feel for them b/c without my faith and trust in the Universe I would be totally lost and not even know what the heck was going on. With the knowledge I have now, it's easier for me to let go, let God, and trust that it's all going to work out just fine. I know why I'm here and I know how to ask for help and how to tap in and figure out what I need to do. I'm really lucky that way.
I know when I need to just go outside and breathe fresh air and walk around the trees and just release into the moment. I know when I need to forget my worries, eat some good food, release my pent up emotions through writing or whatever, and not just dump my crap out on everyone around me. I think I'm noticing how much I don't vent and don't dump on everyone else, in hopes that they will fix me or tell me what to do. I really know that I'm the only one that can help me and no one wants to deal with my stuff b/c they have their own. If anything, I don't talk enough, I don't share enough of how I'm really feeling.
The reason that I've lost contact with a lot of people over the past few years is b/c I really don't like getting into my "story" and just focusing on the bad stuff that I was dealing with. And I was immersed in a difficult situation and so I refused to be that person. I refused to label myself as someone "going through a hard time" and I buckled down and got my sh*t together. I did it through yoga, through Leah's meditation/energetic healing classes, through time in Nature, through making spiritual friends, through reading the collective works of Doreen Virtue (I read just about all of them), through watching inspirational movies and documentaries, and through prayer. I did it all. I did it alone. I did it well.
And now I'm here, still frustrated with the lack of "what I want" in front of my face, but at least I know that I have gone through the ringer and I'm way stronger for it. I've doven into my center and I've found the pearls. I've dug deep and come out of it clear, strong, vibrant, and present. I am a good example for others to see, but I can't do it for them. I won't pretend to think I can do anything for them other than model right energy. It's so refreshing to know that I can let it all go and not worry about them, as they are in God's hands and nothing can really go wrong. If they don't learn it in this life, they will have many more chances after that.
I noticed today how non-judgmental I am, and I am so proud of myself. That is huge, for it shows that I am so much closer to not judging myself! I see that everyone has their own pace, their own process, and it's all good. I don't judge them for judging, I know that they will learn it eventually, and I am just happy to feel the acceptance and compassion that I hold for them. My housemate is really unhappy right now and she really just doesn't realize that it's totally coming out in how she is reacting to what I do in my life. She made a totally judgey yucky face at my breakfast, and when I told her what bank I use she made a face like, "woah, that bank is evil, how do you live with yourself?" she is so unhappy with herself that she can't help but let her emotions and feelings show. It made me want to just hold up a mirror and say, "this isn't very nice of you, is it?" but I just decided to let it go and figure that she'll learn someday, it's not really up to me to create more negative karma for her by reacting to it. I thoroughly enjoyed my healthy and delicious breakfast and I'm fine with my bank, it was definitely an opportunity for me to feel the lack of resentment towards her and the compassion for why she is acting that way towards me. I didn't take it personally and I didn't react at all. I'm really learning to not give a crap about how anyone else feels about my life. So freeing and refreshing. And empowering!
I know when I need to just go outside and breathe fresh air and walk around the trees and just release into the moment. I know when I need to forget my worries, eat some good food, release my pent up emotions through writing or whatever, and not just dump my crap out on everyone around me. I think I'm noticing how much I don't vent and don't dump on everyone else, in hopes that they will fix me or tell me what to do. I really know that I'm the only one that can help me and no one wants to deal with my stuff b/c they have their own. If anything, I don't talk enough, I don't share enough of how I'm really feeling.
The reason that I've lost contact with a lot of people over the past few years is b/c I really don't like getting into my "story" and just focusing on the bad stuff that I was dealing with. And I was immersed in a difficult situation and so I refused to be that person. I refused to label myself as someone "going through a hard time" and I buckled down and got my sh*t together. I did it through yoga, through Leah's meditation/energetic healing classes, through time in Nature, through making spiritual friends, through reading the collective works of Doreen Virtue (I read just about all of them), through watching inspirational movies and documentaries, and through prayer. I did it all. I did it alone. I did it well.
And now I'm here, still frustrated with the lack of "what I want" in front of my face, but at least I know that I have gone through the ringer and I'm way stronger for it. I've doven into my center and I've found the pearls. I've dug deep and come out of it clear, strong, vibrant, and present. I am a good example for others to see, but I can't do it for them. I won't pretend to think I can do anything for them other than model right energy. It's so refreshing to know that I can let it all go and not worry about them, as they are in God's hands and nothing can really go wrong. If they don't learn it in this life, they will have many more chances after that.
I noticed today how non-judgmental I am, and I am so proud of myself. That is huge, for it shows that I am so much closer to not judging myself! I see that everyone has their own pace, their own process, and it's all good. I don't judge them for judging, I know that they will learn it eventually, and I am just happy to feel the acceptance and compassion that I hold for them. My housemate is really unhappy right now and she really just doesn't realize that it's totally coming out in how she is reacting to what I do in my life. She made a totally judgey yucky face at my breakfast, and when I told her what bank I use she made a face like, "woah, that bank is evil, how do you live with yourself?" she is so unhappy with herself that she can't help but let her emotions and feelings show. It made me want to just hold up a mirror and say, "this isn't very nice of you, is it?" but I just decided to let it go and figure that she'll learn someday, it's not really up to me to create more negative karma for her by reacting to it. I thoroughly enjoyed my healthy and delicious breakfast and I'm fine with my bank, it was definitely an opportunity for me to feel the lack of resentment towards her and the compassion for why she is acting that way towards me. I didn't take it personally and I didn't react at all. I'm really learning to not give a crap about how anyone else feels about my life. So freeing and refreshing. And empowering!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
How does it get any better than this?
These days just keep getting better and better! I spent the day bonding with my housemates, the lovely Joanna and Scott :) I have made some really truly amazing friends and it's only been two weeks! Shannon makes three and Julie downstairs definitely counts, too. Four friends already! Go me!
AND I just met Bassnectar's assistant... a cool lady named Lia. I'm so going to meet Bassnectar in the foreseeable future... they just don't know it yet. I even know where he lives... woohoo!
i laughed a lot, connected a lot, shared a lot about my life and what I want to accomplish and really just was my true self all day long and didn't give a rat's behind what other people thought and felt about me. It is so nice and empowering! Go me!!
AND I just met Bassnectar's assistant... a cool lady named Lia. I'm so going to meet Bassnectar in the foreseeable future... they just don't know it yet. I even know where he lives... woohoo!
i laughed a lot, connected a lot, shared a lot about my life and what I want to accomplish and really just was my true self all day long and didn't give a rat's behind what other people thought and felt about me. It is so nice and empowering! Go me!!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Holy Wow
Oh my goodness, today was quite possibly one of the best days of my life. And I'm not even remotely dating anyone (which usually ups the awesomeness quotient of life, for sure). I don't even know anyone in Berkeley or the Bay to date. I am just stoked on life. My life. The life I have created for myself, not the life I've found. I just read a George Bernard Shaw quote that says just that: Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself.
I don't even know who that guy was but I'm sure Google and Wiki will tell me! Hmm an Irish playwright. Cool. I love the internet! I spent most of today online and I love it. Love love love it.
Today I really pieced together a lot of joy for myself, mainly by being open and willing to receive what was out there, no matter what it looked like or where it came from. I listened to my inner guidance and heaps of love and bounty were given to me all day long.
I started out by going to my first yoga class in Berkeley, and absolutely loving it. It was only an hour, so it was a perfect way to get back into it and sample a new teacher and studio. I talked with a few people there before the class and they of course were like-minded folks, and one woman was even from La Jolla and knew people at my high school and went to Cal, as well. Funny how that happens... of course I wouldn't have found that out if I didn't sordof force her into talking to me. I'm a more pushy friendly now :) I'll talk to people even if they aren't super open to it at first. I love it! You make your own fun that way and learn so much. It's great when you don't have many contacts somewhere, so you can get your people time regardless.
I was planning on asking about a work-trade but decided against it, then when I came out of class I decided to thank the front desk girl for her help and saw a note posted to the monitor announcing the availability of work trade positions! So I told her I was interested and she said they are really in need of people, and I can get free classes and workshops AND spend time working at an Anusara yoga studio! I love Anusara! I was wondering how I would do in the class, b/c I've only focused on Anusara for six months, but apparently Myriam did a good job b/c I did so well, I was really proud of myself. My practice is so strong and I'm so much more strong and flexible than I used to be on all levels.
AND I got another volunteer gig that might turn into paying position, at the Niroga Institute, and they bring yoga to at-risk and underserved populations. They go into schools, prisons, juvenile hall, drug recovery centers, troubled youth centers, etc... So I can help doing whatever they need. They are also doing research to prove the benefits of yoga and meditation.
I'm just literally watching my life and schedule fill up nicely before my eyes, with activities I love and feel passionate about! That's what I'm talkin' about! How does it get any better than this??
I don't even know who that guy was but I'm sure Google and Wiki will tell me! Hmm an Irish playwright. Cool. I love the internet! I spent most of today online and I love it. Love love love it.
Today I really pieced together a lot of joy for myself, mainly by being open and willing to receive what was out there, no matter what it looked like or where it came from. I listened to my inner guidance and heaps of love and bounty were given to me all day long.
I started out by going to my first yoga class in Berkeley, and absolutely loving it. It was only an hour, so it was a perfect way to get back into it and sample a new teacher and studio. I talked with a few people there before the class and they of course were like-minded folks, and one woman was even from La Jolla and knew people at my high school and went to Cal, as well. Funny how that happens... of course I wouldn't have found that out if I didn't sordof force her into talking to me. I'm a more pushy friendly now :) I'll talk to people even if they aren't super open to it at first. I love it! You make your own fun that way and learn so much. It's great when you don't have many contacts somewhere, so you can get your people time regardless.
I was planning on asking about a work-trade but decided against it, then when I came out of class I decided to thank the front desk girl for her help and saw a note posted to the monitor announcing the availability of work trade positions! So I told her I was interested and she said they are really in need of people, and I can get free classes and workshops AND spend time working at an Anusara yoga studio! I love Anusara! I was wondering how I would do in the class, b/c I've only focused on Anusara for six months, but apparently Myriam did a good job b/c I did so well, I was really proud of myself. My practice is so strong and I'm so much more strong and flexible than I used to be on all levels.
AND I got another volunteer gig that might turn into paying position, at the Niroga Institute, and they bring yoga to at-risk and underserved populations. They go into schools, prisons, juvenile hall, drug recovery centers, troubled youth centers, etc... So I can help doing whatever they need. They are also doing research to prove the benefits of yoga and meditation.
I'm just literally watching my life and schedule fill up nicely before my eyes, with activities I love and feel passionate about! That's what I'm talkin' about! How does it get any better than this??
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Paying Attention
I've had loads of free time on my hands and in an effort to keep my sanity in check, I've been taking advantage of my Netflix access and the instant view options that are on many of the films. They are helping me realize that there is a spiritual message in everything, even in really poorly acted indie films that are only tolerable for about ten minutes. Actually it's tolerable for five minutes, then it's so bad you wait another five in hopes that it will get marginally better... and when it doesn't, it's time to cut bait. And it's time to appreciate a line in the opening monologue that came right at the perfect time in my time/space continuum: "If you don't look a little deeper [at things], you might miss a lot of good stuff."
This came at the same time I am rereading The Celestine Prophecy, which basically is all about realizing that there are no coincidences in this world, and every single person that catches your eye, every flash of intuition, every feeling or daydream, they are ALL meaningful and ALL carry a message for you, to help you on your current path. You just have to pay attention and dig a little deeper, and the nugget will show itself to you through that experience.
Take my current housemate (the only one of four that is around enough for me to see more than once a week): she is pretty active and rarely home aside from some evenings and even then has been accompanied by a new beau... And it would be so easy for to just say brief hello and not dig deeper into why she happens to be around for me to connect with without other distractions (ie other housemates). And every time I've taken the time to have an in-depth discussion with her (which just naturally occurs, as we are both very introspective and analytical and spiritual: a recipe for long in-depth conversations about anything) some amazing Truth has come out of it all, if not more than one, and I have found an answer to a question I've had or feel better about the path I'm on, and I've seen amazing parallels between our two lives that, without a doubt, re-emphasize that nothing is an accident and we were really destined to meet right now, at this point in time, and the urgency I felt to drive up here at least by Friday, July 2, was so that I could be here a few days after something big happened in her life. And I got to know the other housemates a bit before they took off for ten days. So now I know what to expect when they come back and it won't be a huge shock to have the house full after it's been anything but.
THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS, PEOPLE. None. I've been given this amazing chance to really just be with myself in this lovely grounding house, with no one to answer to and nothing to do, except feel. I chuckle as I write that, b/c how long have I spent avoiding just that? Feeling stuff? Are you kidding me? That goes against every rule I've learned throughout my life. I am so sensitive, but I never let myself actually process it all and I ended up kicking myself while I was down, and I wonder why I was so unhappy for so long, you know? Hindsight is 20/20, and now I can see why it all played out the way it did. And still is...
So now that I've been sequestered here in this house, I've really felt and released some deep old issues that happened when I was super young. I guess this is what people mean by healing your inner child. I really felt these emotions come up that started (at least in this life) when I was like 5 and 8, and I've forgiven my parents and myself, and fully accepted that it was an experience. And I let it go. The first time it happened I felt myself get a cold for fifteen minutes, then it disappeared as soon as I released the energy of being irritated at my brothers. The second time (last night) I let some big stuff go, and then I woke up and feel like a new person. Still me, just more hopeful. More alive. More vibrant.
I was crying on the phone with Laura yesterday, listening to her tell me what I already know: I needed to be alone in the emptiness without the distraction of friends. What I didn't know was specifically why... So last night I couldn't sleep and was forced to go inside, and discovered that apparently I had a huge issue with being alone and not having friends! Hello! Life really is so simple, we complicate it all the time and wonder why we feel confused... So after I really explored the experience of being lonely and angry when I was so young (being the only girl, I was constantly left out and had to play by myself most of the time), and letting it all go, I felt so much lighter and went back to sleep pretty soundly for a few hours.
AND I'm not so grief-stricken and overwhelmed with this vast open world I'm in, alone. I mean, alone as in not having playmates in the Bay, I'm know I'm not alone alone. But it's all good. I'm also excited b/c Melissa is coming up for a few days and then she's going to be on a farm during the month of August and I can visit her! Yeay! I also love being able to support her and be a part of her process, as she is definitely a part of mine. Same with Laura, they are both such gifts and I am so grateful!!
I feel like I lost ten pounds last night, all in fear weight. I just don't have that nagging feeling like something is wrong or the anxiety I felt before. Like I told Melissa: it's not that I don't have anything to do, I have EVERYTHING to do! How awesome is that? I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, and I don't even have to worry about money for another month. I'm really being given this great opportunity for play, fun, exploration, and acceptance of what is.
And I've found an amazing place to volunteer: The Co-Op For Gifted Children. It's totally refreshing and innovative in terms of education, they are totally focused on star children, they are in Alameda (as Carol predicted), AND they loved my email where I detailed my dream and vision for my work with these kids. They said my email was "uplifting" :) I figure I can volunteer there for now and eventually get hired on or meet a family through the program, to get a paying gig. Either way I gain experience with the kids, a chance to see how this type of establishment works, and I get to spend time doing what I was sent here to do! Perfect! All it took was perseverance and flexibility with my craigslist searches. I had been pouring over other sections for days and days (focused in Berkeley), and the first time I looked under education jobs in Alameda, I found something for the Co-Op.
Just keep getting up and listening to your guidance, and don't take no for an answer. It's just the universe saying, keep trying, there will be a different path! Keep going! Keep opening your heart!
There are no coincidences and there are no closed doors. Your will leads your way. Take risks, or life will pass you by. You never know what is around the next corner. And call your friends! They are in your life for a reason :) Trust me... Getting through this time without L & M would be torturous... I love you ladies!! See you both very very soon!!
This came at the same time I am rereading The Celestine Prophecy, which basically is all about realizing that there are no coincidences in this world, and every single person that catches your eye, every flash of intuition, every feeling or daydream, they are ALL meaningful and ALL carry a message for you, to help you on your current path. You just have to pay attention and dig a little deeper, and the nugget will show itself to you through that experience.
Take my current housemate (the only one of four that is around enough for me to see more than once a week): she is pretty active and rarely home aside from some evenings and even then has been accompanied by a new beau... And it would be so easy for to just say brief hello and not dig deeper into why she happens to be around for me to connect with without other distractions (ie other housemates). And every time I've taken the time to have an in-depth discussion with her (which just naturally occurs, as we are both very introspective and analytical and spiritual: a recipe for long in-depth conversations about anything) some amazing Truth has come out of it all, if not more than one, and I have found an answer to a question I've had or feel better about the path I'm on, and I've seen amazing parallels between our two lives that, without a doubt, re-emphasize that nothing is an accident and we were really destined to meet right now, at this point in time, and the urgency I felt to drive up here at least by Friday, July 2, was so that I could be here a few days after something big happened in her life. And I got to know the other housemates a bit before they took off for ten days. So now I know what to expect when they come back and it won't be a huge shock to have the house full after it's been anything but.
THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS, PEOPLE. None. I've been given this amazing chance to really just be with myself in this lovely grounding house, with no one to answer to and nothing to do, except feel. I chuckle as I write that, b/c how long have I spent avoiding just that? Feeling stuff? Are you kidding me? That goes against every rule I've learned throughout my life. I am so sensitive, but I never let myself actually process it all and I ended up kicking myself while I was down, and I wonder why I was so unhappy for so long, you know? Hindsight is 20/20, and now I can see why it all played out the way it did. And still is...
So now that I've been sequestered here in this house, I've really felt and released some deep old issues that happened when I was super young. I guess this is what people mean by healing your inner child. I really felt these emotions come up that started (at least in this life) when I was like 5 and 8, and I've forgiven my parents and myself, and fully accepted that it was an experience. And I let it go. The first time it happened I felt myself get a cold for fifteen minutes, then it disappeared as soon as I released the energy of being irritated at my brothers. The second time (last night) I let some big stuff go, and then I woke up and feel like a new person. Still me, just more hopeful. More alive. More vibrant.
I was crying on the phone with Laura yesterday, listening to her tell me what I already know: I needed to be alone in the emptiness without the distraction of friends. What I didn't know was specifically why... So last night I couldn't sleep and was forced to go inside, and discovered that apparently I had a huge issue with being alone and not having friends! Hello! Life really is so simple, we complicate it all the time and wonder why we feel confused... So after I really explored the experience of being lonely and angry when I was so young (being the only girl, I was constantly left out and had to play by myself most of the time), and letting it all go, I felt so much lighter and went back to sleep pretty soundly for a few hours.
AND I'm not so grief-stricken and overwhelmed with this vast open world I'm in, alone. I mean, alone as in not having playmates in the Bay, I'm know I'm not alone alone. But it's all good. I'm also excited b/c Melissa is coming up for a few days and then she's going to be on a farm during the month of August and I can visit her! Yeay! I also love being able to support her and be a part of her process, as she is definitely a part of mine. Same with Laura, they are both such gifts and I am so grateful!!
I feel like I lost ten pounds last night, all in fear weight. I just don't have that nagging feeling like something is wrong or the anxiety I felt before. Like I told Melissa: it's not that I don't have anything to do, I have EVERYTHING to do! How awesome is that? I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, and I don't even have to worry about money for another month. I'm really being given this great opportunity for play, fun, exploration, and acceptance of what is.
And I've found an amazing place to volunteer: The Co-Op For Gifted Children. It's totally refreshing and innovative in terms of education, they are totally focused on star children, they are in Alameda (as Carol predicted), AND they loved my email where I detailed my dream and vision for my work with these kids. They said my email was "uplifting" :) I figure I can volunteer there for now and eventually get hired on or meet a family through the program, to get a paying gig. Either way I gain experience with the kids, a chance to see how this type of establishment works, and I get to spend time doing what I was sent here to do! Perfect! All it took was perseverance and flexibility with my craigslist searches. I had been pouring over other sections for days and days (focused in Berkeley), and the first time I looked under education jobs in Alameda, I found something for the Co-Op.
Just keep getting up and listening to your guidance, and don't take no for an answer. It's just the universe saying, keep trying, there will be a different path! Keep going! Keep opening your heart!
There are no coincidences and there are no closed doors. Your will leads your way. Take risks, or life will pass you by. You never know what is around the next corner. And call your friends! They are in your life for a reason :) Trust me... Getting through this time without L & M would be torturous... I love you ladies!! See you both very very soon!!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
my jobby job
Once again I've found myself at my "job": in a cafe, drinking a soy chai latte, surrounded by Berkeley students and apparently blending in as one (a few people have openly assumed I am a student and I didn't necessarily correct them... hopefully I'll get some sort of discount as some point. One of them also said I was probably 22 or 23. I'll take that :) I knew I should've gotten that fake student ID card in Bangkok, it would have come in handy so many times already! especially for airline tickets...)
anyway, this seems to be my daily task: walk 5 miles roundtrip, spend time blogging / craigslisting / emailing / researching, stare out window at passerbys and wonder where they are going and what their life is like, and pray that my life will fall into place as well as I would LOVE it to. I'm doing the work, I'm following the guidance, I'm working very hard and not freaking out when things don't work out the way I would like them to, and I'm calling friends when I absolutely cannot take the silence anymore. Even if you all don't answer, at least I hear your voice and can make some sort of indirect contact. Thank God for cell phones and the internet. I seriously have really really begun to fully appreciate the technological age in which we currently live. It is SO easy to get places, to meet people, to keep in touch, to learn about life outside of your little bubble, and to just experience the variety of life that used to be completely untouchable.
I watched "Sense and Sensibility" the other night, and realized how crazy I would be if I wasn't able to fully express myself, or do something to be in some control of my own life, and to not even be able to walk a man to the gate outside of my house alone for fear of societal reproach. I mean, c'mon! I guess that is why Indigos are here now and not then ;) that would've been some show!
So now we have cell phones, cars, planes, computers, computers in our phones, and an amazing capability of communication and connection that we have NEVER known before. This is huge, people! This type of life has NEVER been lived before. Aside from the inevitable magnetic fields and radiation and waste that accompanies such objects, they are truly a gift and I fully embrace them all and love the chance that i've been given in this life. I have a freakin iPhone, MacBook, iPod, and sweet digital Camera, and a nice car that isn't too nice so as to not attract unwanted attention... all this without a job. I mean, c'mon. I am so lucky. It doesn't go to my head nor give me "white man's guilt" anymore, I just fully appreciate what I have been blessed with in this life.
I had this thought the other day: how can people be racist, especially if they believe in God, b/c God is the one who created our situation, not me. So according to that philosophy: God made me white, born into my well-to-do and generous family, and it wasn't something I decided upon so as to make other people "less than" and suffer. They shouldn't be mad at anyone, if anything they should be mad at God.
Oh, well. I know it's something they have to learn and it's not for me to question their process. Just something that has come up recently. I just know it's in my face b/c I now live in "the ghetto" for this month, according to some kid I overheard as I was walking today. He was walking with some friends and said, "yeah, over there, past that street, that's the ghetto." I just laughed and thought back to my days of living in lower Haight in SF, when crackheads roamed the street and gunshots were not so surprising... It has affected me more this time. Maybe b/c I know more than I did then, and I was way more careless then. I also lived there with three of my good friends. This time it's just me and it's not that I'm not scared at all, if anything the people have been super nice and way more friendly than Del Mar people have ever been, it's just different. It adds to the huge adjustment I am not making by being up here.
It shows how much I trust people and the universe, for I absolutely know in my heart, without question, that I am perfectly safe at all times. And so is my stuff. I just know. What is more difficult for me, is seeing the degradation of the neighborhood; trash everywhere and people driving around without stopping at stop signs, nonchalantly walking across a busy major street when their light is red... and not being able to talk to anyone without them hitting on me and making it absolutely imperative to not talk to them again. They just take it to a level that is so not necessary.
I know I'm a young woman, pretty attractive, very friendly, and obviously not scared to live in the ghetto... but I do not need to always get asked if I'm single, what I'm doing later, and other obviously slimy comments. It's just so not necessary. I guess now I just need to see why this is happening to me and what I'm supposed to learn from it. I know that I'm not letting it get to me like it would in the past. I used to get so scared by it and not have any boundaries, and get upset when people didn't respect the boundaries I thought they should just expect that I have, if that makes any sense. I expected other people to create my boundaries for me, and then respect them. Ha! Fat chance.
So now I am fully aware of my big ol' fat boundaries and I'm so not letting anyone beyond those. As soon as they get into the schmoozy energy, I am out of there. I give them a chance, and then that's it. I then become married to a big ol' wrestler with anger and jealousy issues, who just got out of jail for attacking someone who asked me what time it was... oh, and he breeds pitbulls for fun. The mean kind...
I did not know this post was going in this direction, but that is what I've been dealing with recently. So there you go.
anyway, this seems to be my daily task: walk 5 miles roundtrip, spend time blogging / craigslisting / emailing / researching, stare out window at passerbys and wonder where they are going and what their life is like, and pray that my life will fall into place as well as I would LOVE it to. I'm doing the work, I'm following the guidance, I'm working very hard and not freaking out when things don't work out the way I would like them to, and I'm calling friends when I absolutely cannot take the silence anymore. Even if you all don't answer, at least I hear your voice and can make some sort of indirect contact. Thank God for cell phones and the internet. I seriously have really really begun to fully appreciate the technological age in which we currently live. It is SO easy to get places, to meet people, to keep in touch, to learn about life outside of your little bubble, and to just experience the variety of life that used to be completely untouchable.
I watched "Sense and Sensibility" the other night, and realized how crazy I would be if I wasn't able to fully express myself, or do something to be in some control of my own life, and to not even be able to walk a man to the gate outside of my house alone for fear of societal reproach. I mean, c'mon! I guess that is why Indigos are here now and not then ;) that would've been some show!
So now we have cell phones, cars, planes, computers, computers in our phones, and an amazing capability of communication and connection that we have NEVER known before. This is huge, people! This type of life has NEVER been lived before. Aside from the inevitable magnetic fields and radiation and waste that accompanies such objects, they are truly a gift and I fully embrace them all and love the chance that i've been given in this life. I have a freakin iPhone, MacBook, iPod, and sweet digital Camera, and a nice car that isn't too nice so as to not attract unwanted attention... all this without a job. I mean, c'mon. I am so lucky. It doesn't go to my head nor give me "white man's guilt" anymore, I just fully appreciate what I have been blessed with in this life.
I had this thought the other day: how can people be racist, especially if they believe in God, b/c God is the one who created our situation, not me. So according to that philosophy: God made me white, born into my well-to-do and generous family, and it wasn't something I decided upon so as to make other people "less than" and suffer. They shouldn't be mad at anyone, if anything they should be mad at God.
Oh, well. I know it's something they have to learn and it's not for me to question their process. Just something that has come up recently. I just know it's in my face b/c I now live in "the ghetto" for this month, according to some kid I overheard as I was walking today. He was walking with some friends and said, "yeah, over there, past that street, that's the ghetto." I just laughed and thought back to my days of living in lower Haight in SF, when crackheads roamed the street and gunshots were not so surprising... It has affected me more this time. Maybe b/c I know more than I did then, and I was way more careless then. I also lived there with three of my good friends. This time it's just me and it's not that I'm not scared at all, if anything the people have been super nice and way more friendly than Del Mar people have ever been, it's just different. It adds to the huge adjustment I am not making by being up here.
It shows how much I trust people and the universe, for I absolutely know in my heart, without question, that I am perfectly safe at all times. And so is my stuff. I just know. What is more difficult for me, is seeing the degradation of the neighborhood; trash everywhere and people driving around without stopping at stop signs, nonchalantly walking across a busy major street when their light is red... and not being able to talk to anyone without them hitting on me and making it absolutely imperative to not talk to them again. They just take it to a level that is so not necessary.
I know I'm a young woman, pretty attractive, very friendly, and obviously not scared to live in the ghetto... but I do not need to always get asked if I'm single, what I'm doing later, and other obviously slimy comments. It's just so not necessary. I guess now I just need to see why this is happening to me and what I'm supposed to learn from it. I know that I'm not letting it get to me like it would in the past. I used to get so scared by it and not have any boundaries, and get upset when people didn't respect the boundaries I thought they should just expect that I have, if that makes any sense. I expected other people to create my boundaries for me, and then respect them. Ha! Fat chance.
So now I am fully aware of my big ol' fat boundaries and I'm so not letting anyone beyond those. As soon as they get into the schmoozy energy, I am out of there. I give them a chance, and then that's it. I then become married to a big ol' wrestler with anger and jealousy issues, who just got out of jail for attacking someone who asked me what time it was... oh, and he breeds pitbulls for fun. The mean kind...
I did not know this post was going in this direction, but that is what I've been dealing with recently. So there you go.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
A tide has turned
Today is like a breath of fresh air. I still feel energetically tired, but in my heart I feel happy and blissful and I have had a smile on face most of the day (except when I was reading "The Omnivore's Dilemma" and started to get a bit riled up about corn, of all things. Random, yes, but don't get me started...) I am very much aware of my present situation and what is going on with me and my environment. I am here now, given an opportunity for much needed rest, clearing, and preparation for what is to come. I am going to be very very busy in the near future, and in order to do what I need to do most efficiently and successfully, I need to be at my best and brightest without any doubt in my mind.
So I have been given this impeccably timed week where I just arrived, and two of my three flatmates are out of town for ten days, the third is not around so much, and the downstairs neighbor is dogsitting this week. At first I was a bit upset b/c I wanted to be surrounded by laughter and people and activities and collective meals... only to wake up day after day alone and occasionally having a quick convo with Julie or Shannon, and that is it. Plus the internet connection isn't sufficient for proper streaming of movies or quick clips, so youtube and hulu and all that are totally out of the question. I often wondered what I would do if there were no TV around and I was as exhausted as I am now. The TV at my house in San Diego had super cable and lots of movies and documentaries and I could always find something intellectually stimulating if not just entertaining.
Now I'm finding out what it's like to really make good use of this freedom... I haven't even been called to do much crafty work or drawing, other than what I did on Sunday while listening to the campanile concert on campus, so it's no wonder I felt that I was going slowly insane until yesterday, when I rediscovered my writing. And then I had a great conversation with Melissa in the evening, and I just felt... well, like me again. I hadn't felt that present or stable since Saturday. It had been a long four days, let me tell you.
Today I've been doing stuff all day, but not in the way I thought I "should" before. I already have an interview tonight for a room in a big co-op and it seems like a great way to connect with other people. I've responded to some job postings and I keep getting shown these little teasers, little reminders of why I'm here and what I will be doing very soon. They aren't exactly what I'm looking for, b/c I have to create the program myself, but they are just enough to keep me on track and to know that I am totally supported and guided at all times.
I'm realizing just how passionate I am about food, farming, the direction of this country, and even the world. We are moving away from sustainability, reliability, accountability, and community. I don't get saddened or disheartened by any of this. It really makes me want to work even harder with the children so they will be aware of all this. People just don't know what is going on and are so distracted by the media, they don't even think to question the food they are putting in their mouths and their children's bodies. When I sat down with my parents and very calmly explained all that I've learned about food production and farming, my dad just said, "well, I believe that you are totally right about this." No arguments, no questioning of sources, just total acceptance of the truth. He knew I did my homework and b/c I didn't get outraged and yell at him about the food on his plate, he was really open to what I was telling him.
I don't know if he will change his eating habits at all, but at least he is aware. Or was aware for the twenty minutes I was talking. It made me really understand the power of knowledge and of a calm demeanor. I read somewhere recently that if you discuss something in a calm and friendly manner, people are bound to think you wise. If you argue about the same topic, people will think you pompous and irritating and will most likely become defensive. So if you want someone to listen to you, be friendly. Know the facts, and say them with a smile and earnestness. Passion doe not mean screaming in someone's face. It means walking your talk and using your own life as an example.
I know that nutrition, yoga, meditation, and travel have all changed my life. Saved me from the doldrums of ordinary existence. I will be so happy when I can share this with kiddos and have them experience it for themselves. I had a conversation with myself today and basically explained what I want to do with kids and why, and I was so impressed with my clarity of vision. I know what I want to do, I know what I want to say, and I know that I am fully capable of doing it right now. Just like Carol said, I don't need any further training to do what I'm here to do. She said, there might be a one year certificate I feel that I need, but I really don't need anything. That certificate may be the yoga training at the Niroga Institute, although I'm not sure if I really want to do that just yet.
Yesterday I was chomping at the bit, ready to go full speed ahead, into the next big thing. Today I am sitting back, realizing that I'm in the middle of something huge already, and I'm enjoying the ride. Deep breaths, upturned corners of my mouth, and warm fuzzies in my heart... what else could a girl ask for...
So I have been given this impeccably timed week where I just arrived, and two of my three flatmates are out of town for ten days, the third is not around so much, and the downstairs neighbor is dogsitting this week. At first I was a bit upset b/c I wanted to be surrounded by laughter and people and activities and collective meals... only to wake up day after day alone and occasionally having a quick convo with Julie or Shannon, and that is it. Plus the internet connection isn't sufficient for proper streaming of movies or quick clips, so youtube and hulu and all that are totally out of the question. I often wondered what I would do if there were no TV around and I was as exhausted as I am now. The TV at my house in San Diego had super cable and lots of movies and documentaries and I could always find something intellectually stimulating if not just entertaining.
Now I'm finding out what it's like to really make good use of this freedom... I haven't even been called to do much crafty work or drawing, other than what I did on Sunday while listening to the campanile concert on campus, so it's no wonder I felt that I was going slowly insane until yesterday, when I rediscovered my writing. And then I had a great conversation with Melissa in the evening, and I just felt... well, like me again. I hadn't felt that present or stable since Saturday. It had been a long four days, let me tell you.
Today I've been doing stuff all day, but not in the way I thought I "should" before. I already have an interview tonight for a room in a big co-op and it seems like a great way to connect with other people. I've responded to some job postings and I keep getting shown these little teasers, little reminders of why I'm here and what I will be doing very soon. They aren't exactly what I'm looking for, b/c I have to create the program myself, but they are just enough to keep me on track and to know that I am totally supported and guided at all times.
I'm realizing just how passionate I am about food, farming, the direction of this country, and even the world. We are moving away from sustainability, reliability, accountability, and community. I don't get saddened or disheartened by any of this. It really makes me want to work even harder with the children so they will be aware of all this. People just don't know what is going on and are so distracted by the media, they don't even think to question the food they are putting in their mouths and their children's bodies. When I sat down with my parents and very calmly explained all that I've learned about food production and farming, my dad just said, "well, I believe that you are totally right about this." No arguments, no questioning of sources, just total acceptance of the truth. He knew I did my homework and b/c I didn't get outraged and yell at him about the food on his plate, he was really open to what I was telling him.
I don't know if he will change his eating habits at all, but at least he is aware. Or was aware for the twenty minutes I was talking. It made me really understand the power of knowledge and of a calm demeanor. I read somewhere recently that if you discuss something in a calm and friendly manner, people are bound to think you wise. If you argue about the same topic, people will think you pompous and irritating and will most likely become defensive. So if you want someone to listen to you, be friendly. Know the facts, and say them with a smile and earnestness. Passion doe not mean screaming in someone's face. It means walking your talk and using your own life as an example.
I know that nutrition, yoga, meditation, and travel have all changed my life. Saved me from the doldrums of ordinary existence. I will be so happy when I can share this with kiddos and have them experience it for themselves. I had a conversation with myself today and basically explained what I want to do with kids and why, and I was so impressed with my clarity of vision. I know what I want to do, I know what I want to say, and I know that I am fully capable of doing it right now. Just like Carol said, I don't need any further training to do what I'm here to do. She said, there might be a one year certificate I feel that I need, but I really don't need anything. That certificate may be the yoga training at the Niroga Institute, although I'm not sure if I really want to do that just yet.
Yesterday I was chomping at the bit, ready to go full speed ahead, into the next big thing. Today I am sitting back, realizing that I'm in the middle of something huge already, and I'm enjoying the ride. Deep breaths, upturned corners of my mouth, and warm fuzzies in my heart... what else could a girl ask for...
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
I have landed...
...and kicked up so much dust in my present place of existence, sometimes it's hard to see my hands in front of my face. Feeling my feet on the ground is even more difficult, partly b/c I'm flying on a cloud right now, and partly b/c the energy of this place is so fantastically different than anywhere I've been in a long time. Probably since I left the Bay back in 2006. And even then I rarely made the trek over here since 2004. Regardless, it's so good to be back.
It's like reuniting with an old lover from your youth. You have both changed, yet remain very much the same. It's familiar and awkward to the extreme, varying with your mood, the time of day, and the places you go. At times I am happier than I've been in my life, and at times I'm more sad that I can remember. So much loss and pain and suffering happened at the hands of this lover, and so much forgiveness and love and acceptance are being issued. The hatred is quickly being replaced with the golden rays of sunshine, and I am in the middle, watching the exchange take place, taking great care to not grasp the shreds of fear and memories as they flow down the drain of release.
The dust that was kicked up by my landing is slowly settling, and I have been aware that sitting quietly and still are of the utmost importance. Only that way will I not inhale and reintroduce the previous patterns and beliefs of my follied youth. I have spent much time in solace, nursing my wounds that have been reopened and manipulated so as to allow for the most efficient and healthy healing process. Basically it's super painful and hard to move at many points during the days and nights. Even as I write this tears form in my eyes and I am in awe of my own courage and strength, as this is no easy task that I am in the process of successfully completing: following my heart and soul to really create a life of bliss, purpose, and change. No, this is no easy task. Easy is not even in the same area code.
I thank my teachers of the past for helping me see my potential, for helping me cleanse myself of the inner clutter and opening up to the will of a bigger and greater purpose than that of just little ol' me. I was so unhappy living for myself, working to pay my bills and just keep my head above water. I always felt that there was so much more, something I was missing, and I didn't shy away from opening the door to my salvation.
So even as I sit in this cafe, with more emotions going on in my heart than people drinking caffeinated beverages around me, I know that I am "sitting in limbo" just like the lyrics to the song that played overhead when I first got here. Talk about a message from Spirit. I'm always getting these little flickers of divine guidance on the radio, wherever I am. Keeps me connected and happy and listening to music. They definitely know what they are doing...
And so do I, it turns out. From my own little psychic reading today, I realized that I am almost to the finish line in this epic race, and yes I am exhausted, yes I am worn to the bone, yes it would be so easy to just lay down right here and catch my breath and ease my aching being, but the finish line is just over there and I can see the shining flags of patience, fortitude, stick-to-it-iveness, and that is what keeps me going. I know that the gifts I will receive once I reach my goal are so out of my comprehension levels right now I can't even fathom how amazing they are and how they will feel, and that alone is worth it all. So I pick my head and heart back up, carry them with the strength of Spirit by my side and in my soul, and keep moving toward the finish line. I am so close, too close to give up now.
I have been gifted an amazing strength of will, and I can withstand a heck of a lot, and then revive myself back to a state of even more strength and willfulness, and keep on fighting the good fight. Even though it's not really a fight, it's a balancing act. Balancing self care with motivation, fear with courage, strength with gentleness, freedom with comfort, and light with shadow.
These past few days have been more difficult than any other time of my life, for I have no distractions, nothing to fill myself up with, and I am left with only the awareness of what is. Can't count of my hand how many people I know that can say that same thing... not that it makes me feel better about myself, it actually reminds me of just how much of an Indigo I really am. Sometimes I think we were all crazy for agreeing to these conditions... and then I read about the oil spill, or Arizona's immigration law, or children not able to go to school simply b/c of where they live, and I remember why we agreed to sacrifice so much to cause so much change in our world. And maybe agreed is not the right word, we probably literally jumped out of our heavenly seats, shouting, "Me! Me! Let me do it! Send me down there, I want to do it!!" and now here we are... in our human body vehicles, and so confused as to what the heck happened and why no one understands us... If we can't understand ourselves, how can anyone else get a clue? That is the funniest part of it all. We truly are unique and fiery. Talk about a square peg in a round hole...
I am so glad that I remembered this blog, as a means of expressing myself to others and put my writing talents to use. It always felt so good to get out on paper or the screen all the stuff bouncing around my head and weighing my heart down. And maybe, it sparks something inside of you, and makes you laugh, cry, cringe, and get outside of yourself long enough to get some new perspective on your own life. Sometimes that is all it takes. After all, isn't that what friends are for?
It's like reuniting with an old lover from your youth. You have both changed, yet remain very much the same. It's familiar and awkward to the extreme, varying with your mood, the time of day, and the places you go. At times I am happier than I've been in my life, and at times I'm more sad that I can remember. So much loss and pain and suffering happened at the hands of this lover, and so much forgiveness and love and acceptance are being issued. The hatred is quickly being replaced with the golden rays of sunshine, and I am in the middle, watching the exchange take place, taking great care to not grasp the shreds of fear and memories as they flow down the drain of release.
The dust that was kicked up by my landing is slowly settling, and I have been aware that sitting quietly and still are of the utmost importance. Only that way will I not inhale and reintroduce the previous patterns and beliefs of my follied youth. I have spent much time in solace, nursing my wounds that have been reopened and manipulated so as to allow for the most efficient and healthy healing process. Basically it's super painful and hard to move at many points during the days and nights. Even as I write this tears form in my eyes and I am in awe of my own courage and strength, as this is no easy task that I am in the process of successfully completing: following my heart and soul to really create a life of bliss, purpose, and change. No, this is no easy task. Easy is not even in the same area code.
I thank my teachers of the past for helping me see my potential, for helping me cleanse myself of the inner clutter and opening up to the will of a bigger and greater purpose than that of just little ol' me. I was so unhappy living for myself, working to pay my bills and just keep my head above water. I always felt that there was so much more, something I was missing, and I didn't shy away from opening the door to my salvation.
So even as I sit in this cafe, with more emotions going on in my heart than people drinking caffeinated beverages around me, I know that I am "sitting in limbo" just like the lyrics to the song that played overhead when I first got here. Talk about a message from Spirit. I'm always getting these little flickers of divine guidance on the radio, wherever I am. Keeps me connected and happy and listening to music. They definitely know what they are doing...
And so do I, it turns out. From my own little psychic reading today, I realized that I am almost to the finish line in this epic race, and yes I am exhausted, yes I am worn to the bone, yes it would be so easy to just lay down right here and catch my breath and ease my aching being, but the finish line is just over there and I can see the shining flags of patience, fortitude, stick-to-it-iveness, and that is what keeps me going. I know that the gifts I will receive once I reach my goal are so out of my comprehension levels right now I can't even fathom how amazing they are and how they will feel, and that alone is worth it all. So I pick my head and heart back up, carry them with the strength of Spirit by my side and in my soul, and keep moving toward the finish line. I am so close, too close to give up now.
I have been gifted an amazing strength of will, and I can withstand a heck of a lot, and then revive myself back to a state of even more strength and willfulness, and keep on fighting the good fight. Even though it's not really a fight, it's a balancing act. Balancing self care with motivation, fear with courage, strength with gentleness, freedom with comfort, and light with shadow.
These past few days have been more difficult than any other time of my life, for I have no distractions, nothing to fill myself up with, and I am left with only the awareness of what is. Can't count of my hand how many people I know that can say that same thing... not that it makes me feel better about myself, it actually reminds me of just how much of an Indigo I really am. Sometimes I think we were all crazy for agreeing to these conditions... and then I read about the oil spill, or Arizona's immigration law, or children not able to go to school simply b/c of where they live, and I remember why we agreed to sacrifice so much to cause so much change in our world. And maybe agreed is not the right word, we probably literally jumped out of our heavenly seats, shouting, "Me! Me! Let me do it! Send me down there, I want to do it!!" and now here we are... in our human body vehicles, and so confused as to what the heck happened and why no one understands us... If we can't understand ourselves, how can anyone else get a clue? That is the funniest part of it all. We truly are unique and fiery. Talk about a square peg in a round hole...
I am so glad that I remembered this blog, as a means of expressing myself to others and put my writing talents to use. It always felt so good to get out on paper or the screen all the stuff bouncing around my head and weighing my heart down. And maybe, it sparks something inside of you, and makes you laugh, cry, cringe, and get outside of yourself long enough to get some new perspective on your own life. Sometimes that is all it takes. After all, isn't that what friends are for?
Monday, July 27, 2009
Fernando
How I ended up in Laos for the 3rd time in two months is a miracle and a sob story all rolled into one. Kinda like life itself. We’re constantly getting over something rough only to have our hearts burst open from beauty, leaving us with confusion and joy and a question mark on the tip of our tongue.
I think I would’ve gone completely nuts had it not been for the constant “Sa Bai Dee” (hello) and “Kawp Jai Lai Lai” (thank you). I always loved the “lai lai” (pronounced like “lie”), how better to say “very much” than with an expression of delight. You can’t help but smile and feel a lightness in your chest when you hear a grown man say “Lai Lai” – or hear it coming from your own two lips.
This had come after a few weeks of pain and agony and ever-increasing love for the tattooed crazyman from Brazil. I couldn’t help myself but to keep traveling with this man, who I knew less and less as the days wore on. I continued to retreat even more into my deepest and darkest corner, waiting impatiently for him to light the match, to show me the way back to Life, back to reality, out of this sordid and confusing labyrinth of passion and power-play.
But he never did.
The only matches he lit were to light his never-ending joints and the incense that barely covered his stench. His infrequent showers and sweaty feet made our week of separate beds a blessing.
It was no surprise to me that a memory card virus destroyed all the pictures of him, of Viet Nam. An entire month wiped out: a weekend in Ha Long Bay, two weeks in Ha Noi, and a few days in my dad's old stomping grounds from his time in the Navy. This was a sad fact I learned months later in India while flirting with a brilliant internet café owner who made me feel more beautiful in five minutes than Fernando did in three months.
I can’t necessarily blame Fernando, for he did only as he knew best. He hated himself and his obvious weakness and internal ugliness, so he took it out on me.
I was just another lost soul filled with confusion, pain, fear, yet desperately hoping for someone to save me from myself. Sadly, we did not recognize that we could not save each other if we could not save ourselves, until it was too late.
We were the blind leading the blind. Or, in our case, the stoned ignoring the sad.
The night we said goodbye was the happiest and saddest day of my life up to that point. I shed not one tear at the airport (he had them pouring down his beautiful face), for I had watered the earth enough in the days previous and in the cab ride earlier that evening when he held my hand and lamented not having kissed me more and just how much he was really going to miss me. You think you want to hear how the one you love regrets not having loved you more, until these words ring throughout your empty chest, wishing he would just go away and leave you in peace.
But I was filled with excitement, jubilation, and a knowledge that once he was gone I could go back to being alive again. No longer would I be a slave to his insults, his control, his neglect. I was to be reborn in the very country where Mankind gave birth to itself. That very night I, and I alone, was going to India.
I knew I would cry the minute I stepped foot onto the sweet soil of the mother, and I was right. I was also deeply depressed. For not only was Fernando the proverbial thorn in my side for the previous three months, he was also the hand that I held, the warm body I slept next to, the lips that I kissed, the person I wanted to be with most in the world.
And now he was gone.
All I had left of him was the pit in my stomach and the pain in what was left of my heart.
It took about a month for me to realize it was truly over between us. I sat on a Pushkar rooftop in the morning sun, tears running down my face with a confused Sylvie by my side.
“Oh, honey, I thought you were over him,” she worried aloud.
“No, not yet apparently,” I took a deep and jagged breath, “I just now realized that we are never going to be together.”
No email had come, begging my forgiveness, him having seen the error of his ways once he got back home—realizing that I was “the one” and he was a fool to not have seen it before.
Nope… never came.
Better that way, I suppose, allowing me to truly get over him while wandering about on my solo spiritual quest, the plan that started this whole traveling thing in the first place.
I used to look back in shame that I almost gave up part of my India trip for him. Now I look back with pride for that shows just how much and how big I am capable of loving.
And I guess I always knew that where you seek your Truth is of no consequence—for it always is to be found wherever you are. You are the Truth. You are the Love. You are that which you seek.
I am Lucky.
I have Hope. I have Love. I have Peace.
I can only dream that Fernando has found this, as well. I pray that he knows his own Divinity, that he’s more than this tattoos, his stoned showers, his stinky feet, and his fierce Brazilian passion.
I have forgiven him as I have forgiven God, and therefore myself.
I can only hope that he can forgive us, as well.
I think I would’ve gone completely nuts had it not been for the constant “Sa Bai Dee” (hello) and “Kawp Jai Lai Lai” (thank you). I always loved the “lai lai” (pronounced like “lie”), how better to say “very much” than with an expression of delight. You can’t help but smile and feel a lightness in your chest when you hear a grown man say “Lai Lai” – or hear it coming from your own two lips.
This had come after a few weeks of pain and agony and ever-increasing love for the tattooed crazyman from Brazil. I couldn’t help myself but to keep traveling with this man, who I knew less and less as the days wore on. I continued to retreat even more into my deepest and darkest corner, waiting impatiently for him to light the match, to show me the way back to Life, back to reality, out of this sordid and confusing labyrinth of passion and power-play.
But he never did.
The only matches he lit were to light his never-ending joints and the incense that barely covered his stench. His infrequent showers and sweaty feet made our week of separate beds a blessing.
It was no surprise to me that a memory card virus destroyed all the pictures of him, of Viet Nam. An entire month wiped out: a weekend in Ha Long Bay, two weeks in Ha Noi, and a few days in my dad's old stomping grounds from his time in the Navy. This was a sad fact I learned months later in India while flirting with a brilliant internet café owner who made me feel more beautiful in five minutes than Fernando did in three months.
I can’t necessarily blame Fernando, for he did only as he knew best. He hated himself and his obvious weakness and internal ugliness, so he took it out on me.
I was just another lost soul filled with confusion, pain, fear, yet desperately hoping for someone to save me from myself. Sadly, we did not recognize that we could not save each other if we could not save ourselves, until it was too late.
We were the blind leading the blind. Or, in our case, the stoned ignoring the sad.
The night we said goodbye was the happiest and saddest day of my life up to that point. I shed not one tear at the airport (he had them pouring down his beautiful face), for I had watered the earth enough in the days previous and in the cab ride earlier that evening when he held my hand and lamented not having kissed me more and just how much he was really going to miss me. You think you want to hear how the one you love regrets not having loved you more, until these words ring throughout your empty chest, wishing he would just go away and leave you in peace.
But I was filled with excitement, jubilation, and a knowledge that once he was gone I could go back to being alive again. No longer would I be a slave to his insults, his control, his neglect. I was to be reborn in the very country where Mankind gave birth to itself. That very night I, and I alone, was going to India.
I knew I would cry the minute I stepped foot onto the sweet soil of the mother, and I was right. I was also deeply depressed. For not only was Fernando the proverbial thorn in my side for the previous three months, he was also the hand that I held, the warm body I slept next to, the lips that I kissed, the person I wanted to be with most in the world.
And now he was gone.
All I had left of him was the pit in my stomach and the pain in what was left of my heart.
It took about a month for me to realize it was truly over between us. I sat on a Pushkar rooftop in the morning sun, tears running down my face with a confused Sylvie by my side.
“Oh, honey, I thought you were over him,” she worried aloud.
“No, not yet apparently,” I took a deep and jagged breath, “I just now realized that we are never going to be together.”
No email had come, begging my forgiveness, him having seen the error of his ways once he got back home—realizing that I was “the one” and he was a fool to not have seen it before.
Nope… never came.
Better that way, I suppose, allowing me to truly get over him while wandering about on my solo spiritual quest, the plan that started this whole traveling thing in the first place.
I used to look back in shame that I almost gave up part of my India trip for him. Now I look back with pride for that shows just how much and how big I am capable of loving.
And I guess I always knew that where you seek your Truth is of no consequence—for it always is to be found wherever you are. You are the Truth. You are the Love. You are that which you seek.
I am Lucky.
I have Hope. I have Love. I have Peace.
I can only dream that Fernando has found this, as well. I pray that he knows his own Divinity, that he’s more than this tattoos, his stoned showers, his stinky feet, and his fierce Brazilian passion.
I have forgiven him as I have forgiven God, and therefore myself.
I can only hope that he can forgive us, as well.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Divine Inspiration
I cannot change
The shape of my face
I need to remember
I am full of God's grace
My body is not the same
as what you see on TV
I'm a natural woman
I have hills and valleys
I am beautiful and strong
I am a warrior, I am fierce
I've built an army of love
From my pain, from my tears
I can't help who I am
I must be true to my soul
My heart yearns to be seen
I must relinquish control
For the grace of God
flows through this pen
And when I allow it
I am peace, I am zen
divine inspiration
is the ultimate goal
I must share my light
The Truth must be told
I am me
I can't be you
To my own self
I must be true
I am me
I can't be you
To my own self
I must be true
The shape of my face
I need to remember
I am full of God's grace
My body is not the same
as what you see on TV
I'm a natural woman
I have hills and valleys
I am beautiful and strong
I am a warrior, I am fierce
I've built an army of love
From my pain, from my tears
I can't help who I am
I must be true to my soul
My heart yearns to be seen
I must relinquish control
For the grace of God
flows through this pen
And when I allow it
I am peace, I am zen
divine inspiration
is the ultimate goal
I must share my light
The Truth must be told
I am me
I can't be you
To my own self
I must be true
I am me
I can't be you
To my own self
I must be true
Strength in Numbers
It's rough out there
in this world of ours
We keep working harder
To cover up our scars
but in those scars
there's beauty to behold
they are your truth
they're the story of your soul
You may hide your face
when the tears wash down
but takes a lot of strength
to keep your feet on the ground
if we could learn
to share our pain
there'd be no more fear
only love would remain
we have strength in numbers
we are here for each other
so take my hand
you're my sister and my brother
we have strength in numbers
we are here for each other
so take my hand
you're my sister and my brother
I'm all about the love
And I am blessed
I have a huge heart
Inside my chest
There's more than enough
To go around
If you're searching for truth
In here it's found
Life is not just
Black and White
Open up your mind
And see the light
Let go of fear
Stand up and be proud
What does your heart say
Scream it out loud
I'm here to listen
I want to know
I want the story
Of your soul to be told
we have strength in numbers
we are here for each other
so take my hand
you're my sister and my brother
we have strength in numbers
we are here for each other
so take my hand
you're my sister and my brother
I hear you say
That I am wise
It's cuz I'm an old soul
Look into these eyes
You'll see no fear
And only joy
Come and gather round
All you girls and boys
we have strength in numbers
we are here for each other
so take my hand
you're my sister and my brother
we have strength in numbers
we are here for each other
so take my hand
you're my sister and my brother
in this world of ours
We keep working harder
To cover up our scars
but in those scars
there's beauty to behold
they are your truth
they're the story of your soul
You may hide your face
when the tears wash down
but takes a lot of strength
to keep your feet on the ground
if we could learn
to share our pain
there'd be no more fear
only love would remain
we have strength in numbers
we are here for each other
so take my hand
you're my sister and my brother
we have strength in numbers
we are here for each other
so take my hand
you're my sister and my brother
I'm all about the love
And I am blessed
I have a huge heart
Inside my chest
There's more than enough
To go around
If you're searching for truth
In here it's found
Life is not just
Black and White
Open up your mind
And see the light
Let go of fear
Stand up and be proud
What does your heart say
Scream it out loud
I'm here to listen
I want to know
I want the story
Of your soul to be told
we have strength in numbers
we are here for each other
so take my hand
you're my sister and my brother
we have strength in numbers
we are here for each other
so take my hand
you're my sister and my brother
I hear you say
That I am wise
It's cuz I'm an old soul
Look into these eyes
You'll see no fear
And only joy
Come and gather round
All you girls and boys
we have strength in numbers
we are here for each other
so take my hand
you're my sister and my brother
we have strength in numbers
we are here for each other
so take my hand
you're my sister and my brother
Be the Change
Let's make a difference
In this world today
Let's be the change
We'll show them the way
To open up
and receive God's grace
And keep the that smile
Upon your face
Let's be the change
That we're lookin' for
We don't want no more sorrow
We don't want no more war
Peace can reign
If we let it be
Let's be the change
That we want to see
chorus
So get your act
together my friend
Cuz lovin' the earth
is the new fashion trend
We don't own the land
We don't own the sea
All the birds in the sky
They're not our property
We're all a part
of the precious earth
It's from her womb
We were all given birth
It's all her air
In which we breathe
Again, be the change
that you wish to see
chorus
So keep it real
and get it straight
It's up to us
to appreciate
all the beauty and love
around us all the time
just open your eyes
and step out of your mind
In this world today
Let's be the change
We'll show them the way
To open up
and receive God's grace
And keep the that smile
Upon your face
Let's be the change
That we're lookin' for
We don't want no more sorrow
We don't want no more war
Peace can reign
If we let it be
Let's be the change
That we want to see
chorus
So get your act
together my friend
Cuz lovin' the earth
is the new fashion trend
We don't own the land
We don't own the sea
All the birds in the sky
They're not our property
We're all a part
of the precious earth
It's from her womb
We were all given birth
It's all her air
In which we breathe
Again, be the change
that you wish to see
chorus
So keep it real
and get it straight
It's up to us
to appreciate
all the beauty and love
around us all the time
just open your eyes
and step out of your mind
Word Up
True happiness comes
from within, no doubt
There's no need to be
livin' without
For joy is the only
truth today
without truth
there is no game to play
No life to lead
For you're not in control
Let go of constraints
step into your soul
Word up, I manifest love
Word up, I have help from above
Word up, Let it flow from within
Word up, It's the only way to win
Life is a game
It's your turn at bat
Make sure you know
Where your team is at
You need a friend
To catch you when you fall
You are not alone
Not now, not at all
Reach out and take
that outstretched hand
we all walk together
we are all part of the land
Take comfort in knowing
we all have God's love
and whenever you ask
you get help from above
Word up, I manifest love
Word up, I have help from above
Word up, Let it flow from within
Word up, It's the only way to win
from within, no doubt
There's no need to be
livin' without
For joy is the only
truth today
without truth
there is no game to play
No life to lead
For you're not in control
Let go of constraints
step into your soul
Word up, I manifest love
Word up, I have help from above
Word up, Let it flow from within
Word up, It's the only way to win
Life is a game
It's your turn at bat
Make sure you know
Where your team is at
You need a friend
To catch you when you fall
You are not alone
Not now, not at all
Reach out and take
that outstretched hand
we all walk together
we are all part of the land
Take comfort in knowing
we all have God's love
and whenever you ask
you get help from above
Word up, I manifest love
Word up, I have help from above
Word up, Let it flow from within
Word up, It's the only way to win
Friday, May 1, 2009
Maintaining the Bliss
Coming back *again* is a bit different...but the same. Same same but different ;) I'm different. This place is different. Sordof the same but different. More open to me, to my heart, to my spirituality. Instead of sucking it from me San Diego is feeding me. Feeding my intense desire to stay on my path. To run on my path. To help others find their path.
My Truth is so sweetly delicious and gorgeous, I love it. I have so many to thank for helping me see who I really am, and what I am not. I am not flesh and blood, not really. Only on this earthly plane. I can feel, taste, see, hear, and cry. So much to know and learn while we are here, in such short time. Gotta be open to it all. Gotta embrace the energy flow, gotta be real.
I have pain in my shoulders, my legs, my heart, but all in all I am so good. So so good. So open, so integrated, so loved and loving. Just a few hours ago it really hit me that I'm not in Bali anymore. I'm not with Larisa, the tribe, and my family. I'm with my blood family but not my spiritual family. It's hard but not as hard as I thought it would be.
I think I've found a family in my own heart, in my Self, in my soul. I'm always here and I'm never going anywhere else. I can't wait to go back to Bali, back to Thailand, Laos, India...and now I know it will be even better than before. I bring so much light to me wherever I go, so many amazing creatures to play with and open my heart to. I love that mirror, when you can truly see the light in someone else and know that it is the Divine, the same light in my own.
I dearly miss my Bali brethren. We are soon to be reunited, once my body has landed completely in this time zone. Man, I love Asia. Amana said I'm "asia-fied" and she is right! I lovelovelove Asia and she loves me, too. Can't wait to go back!!
My Truth is so sweetly delicious and gorgeous, I love it. I have so many to thank for helping me see who I really am, and what I am not. I am not flesh and blood, not really. Only on this earthly plane. I can feel, taste, see, hear, and cry. So much to know and learn while we are here, in such short time. Gotta be open to it all. Gotta embrace the energy flow, gotta be real.
I have pain in my shoulders, my legs, my heart, but all in all I am so good. So so good. So open, so integrated, so loved and loving. Just a few hours ago it really hit me that I'm not in Bali anymore. I'm not with Larisa, the tribe, and my family. I'm with my blood family but not my spiritual family. It's hard but not as hard as I thought it would be.
I think I've found a family in my own heart, in my Self, in my soul. I'm always here and I'm never going anywhere else. I can't wait to go back to Bali, back to Thailand, Laos, India...and now I know it will be even better than before. I bring so much light to me wherever I go, so many amazing creatures to play with and open my heart to. I love that mirror, when you can truly see the light in someone else and know that it is the Divine, the same light in my own.
I dearly miss my Bali brethren. We are soon to be reunited, once my body has landed completely in this time zone. Man, I love Asia. Amana said I'm "asia-fied" and she is right! I lovelovelove Asia and she loves me, too. Can't wait to go back!!
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
my saving grace
it is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society
-krishnamurti
i am not crazy
i am not lazy
i am not sick
i am not a loser
i am not to be pitied
i am not to be judged
i am not to be anything other than me
well adjusted
in my world
a good world
full of heart
love
compassion
and freedom
so green
come play with me!
-krishnamurti
i am not crazy
i am not lazy
i am not sick
i am not a loser
i am not to be pitied
i am not to be judged
i am not to be anything other than me
well adjusted
in my world
a good world
full of heart
love
compassion
and freedom
so green
come play with me!
Friday, October 24, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
searching for Truth
Sadness flies
on the wings of the morning
and out of the heart of darkness
comes the light.
-Jean Giraudoux
Monday, September 8, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Journal entry 23/6/08, the christening of my truly Liz-style artistic venture
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
-Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
Today I recognized that I am a healer :) With the help of Daisy, my fellow American expat, I successfully helped her in her spiritual path, through the act of opening myself up and giving her my love, not just universal love (i.e. reiki). I gave selfelssly from myself to another being, and it's amazing that I helped to heal her cakra blockage. I channeled her spirit guides, giving her a message that she's been waiting to hear for some months. It was a healing exchange. Oftentimes I wished for some healing abilities, when really I just needed to recognize the abilities that I already have. I do have potential for more learning, but the talent has already manifested inside of me, just needed me to look at it and see myself for what I really am.
I am not tied down by labels
I am not tied down by ego
I am not tied down by obligation
expectation
reservation
I am FREE
Free to be me
Free to be no one
Free to be everyone
And Everything
Right now I sit in McLeod Ganj, Dharamsala, Himachal Pradesh, India. But I am surrounded by the same conciousness that surrounds one in London, Paris, New York, LA. Even SD. We are all one, and we are all nothing. We are the same in emptiness and fullness.
Humanity is a blip in the universe, a falsity in the home of Truth. But we still ARE.
So much to learn, or remember.
I am an old soul but this is not my last visit here. Definitely not.
If anything, I'll come back for the coffee :)
-Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
Today I recognized that I am a healer :) With the help of Daisy, my fellow American expat, I successfully helped her in her spiritual path, through the act of opening myself up and giving her my love, not just universal love (i.e. reiki). I gave selfelssly from myself to another being, and it's amazing that I helped to heal her cakra blockage. I channeled her spirit guides, giving her a message that she's been waiting to hear for some months. It was a healing exchange. Oftentimes I wished for some healing abilities, when really I just needed to recognize the abilities that I already have. I do have potential for more learning, but the talent has already manifested inside of me, just needed me to look at it and see myself for what I really am.
I am not tied down by labels
I am not tied down by ego
I am not tied down by obligation
expectation
reservation
I am FREE
Free to be me
Free to be no one
Free to be everyone
And Everything
Right now I sit in McLeod Ganj, Dharamsala, Himachal Pradesh, India. But I am surrounded by the same conciousness that surrounds one in London, Paris, New York, LA. Even SD. We are all one, and we are all nothing. We are the same in emptiness and fullness.
Humanity is a blip in the universe, a falsity in the home of Truth. But we still ARE.
So much to learn, or remember.
I am an old soul but this is not my last visit here. Definitely not.
If anything, I'll come back for the coffee :)
Saturday, June 21, 2008
a beautiful passage
i just read this on a friend's facebook page and it brought tears to my eyes. this is about truly living, not through fear or the lower cakras, but truly living from your heart and your conciousness. enjoy.
The Invitation
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living, I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are, I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon... I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed, from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain mine or your own without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!!"
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
Oriah Mountain Dreamer From "The Invitation" © 1999 Oriah Mountain Dreamer published by HarperSanFrancisco
The Invitation
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living, I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are, I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon... I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed, from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain mine or your own without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!!"
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
Oriah Mountain Dreamer From "The Invitation" © 1999 Oriah Mountain Dreamer published by HarperSanFrancisco
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
quick update
still in india for about another three weeks...
found amazing yoga practice and energetically cleansing/growing daily
vegan AGAIN, for real this time (as much as possible in India, anyway)
so immensely grateful for everyone and everything, i love you all
Sunday, May 25, 2008
the return of the rishi
serious realizations have occured and i am now ready to return to my country/state/city/town/house of birth :) man oh man am i ever excited. i will appreciate the west more than i ever thought possible. being able to eat food and drink beverages w/o wondering what is in it or where it came from, and w/o getting sick all the time, will be a blessing i am not soon to forget.
so in ten days time, i am leaving the subcontinent with a pitstop in bangkok, then to sunny southern california. right now i'm in the himalayas, in a tibetan area called Dharamsala. so beautiful and peaceful, so NOT india. a welcome respite from the insanity that prevails everywhere else.
i have decided my future, or rather, realized my true calling. i always knew where it would lead me, just didn't know how/when/why/where, etc....but i am coming home to start preparing for medical school. i plan on becoming an MD/ND (i like using slashes a lot in this post) so i have to retake my prereq's and the MCAT, and i'm so excited to do so. then in the future i will work to heal developing countries and impoverished nations. it's taken almost eight months to figure this out, but it's none too soon.
i'm so tired from my travels, i am really ready to settle down, not live out of my backpack, have more than two choices of clothes to wear, have a kitchen, my family, friends, and cat....and my country. i have so many stories, met so many people, been to so many places, i'm full of my travels. it will be hard to "tell about my trip" but i will do the best i can!
let's just say that now i wake up with the sunrise, don't eat a lot of sugar, drink minimal caffeinated beverages, go walking at least twice a day, do yoga and meditate as much as possible, read constantly, and don't talk all that much. sound like me? it's the new and improved liz. and i'm so much happier and more content. but that is not to say that i can't be put into a room full of strangers and make friends quickly. i am still social and friendly, and way moreso than before, i just realize the loss of energy that occurs in nonsense mouth flapping and eating unhealthfully.
anyway, that is where i am right now. loving the mountains, and about to embark on a serious journey home: an overnight bus trip, five plane rides, then i will step onto the land of my birth. and eat some good mexican food :) man i miss mexican food. it's funny the little things that get you when you are gone for so long. it's only been just over seven months chronologically, but it's been a lifetime and a half of experiences and growth and healing.
much love and light to you all!!
om shanti shanti shanti
so in ten days time, i am leaving the subcontinent with a pitstop in bangkok, then to sunny southern california. right now i'm in the himalayas, in a tibetan area called Dharamsala. so beautiful and peaceful, so NOT india. a welcome respite from the insanity that prevails everywhere else.
i have decided my future, or rather, realized my true calling. i always knew where it would lead me, just didn't know how/when/why/where, etc....but i am coming home to start preparing for medical school. i plan on becoming an MD/ND (i like using slashes a lot in this post) so i have to retake my prereq's and the MCAT, and i'm so excited to do so. then in the future i will work to heal developing countries and impoverished nations. it's taken almost eight months to figure this out, but it's none too soon.
i'm so tired from my travels, i am really ready to settle down, not live out of my backpack, have more than two choices of clothes to wear, have a kitchen, my family, friends, and cat....and my country. i have so many stories, met so many people, been to so many places, i'm full of my travels. it will be hard to "tell about my trip" but i will do the best i can!
let's just say that now i wake up with the sunrise, don't eat a lot of sugar, drink minimal caffeinated beverages, go walking at least twice a day, do yoga and meditate as much as possible, read constantly, and don't talk all that much. sound like me? it's the new and improved liz. and i'm so much happier and more content. but that is not to say that i can't be put into a room full of strangers and make friends quickly. i am still social and friendly, and way moreso than before, i just realize the loss of energy that occurs in nonsense mouth flapping and eating unhealthfully.
anyway, that is where i am right now. loving the mountains, and about to embark on a serious journey home: an overnight bus trip, five plane rides, then i will step onto the land of my birth. and eat some good mexican food :) man i miss mexican food. it's funny the little things that get you when you are gone for so long. it's only been just over seven months chronologically, but it's been a lifetime and a half of experiences and growth and healing.
much love and light to you all!!
om shanti shanti shanti
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Himalayas, here I come
Tomorrow morning I leave the 40 degree Celcius heat of Varanasi (that doesn't let up much in the night) and head to the cooler recourse of Rishikesh.... **sigh** I can't wait. This is where I plan to spend a month, if it works out: http://sadhanamandir.org/index.html
The research center sounds amazing, I might help out of possible. I have a few ideas for my future career, some involving Ayurveda and almost all involving medicine of some sort. Where I will study is the biggest question: India, the U.S., or both... I'm not sure. Everyday is different, so my opinion is constantly changing.
I get really fed up with the intensity of this area, and I hope the North is more like the South: relaxed, less populous, and cooler (temperature-wise). If anyone plans to travel to India, the area including Jaipur, Agra, Delhi, and Varanasi does not give you a good idea of what India is all about. I just met a very nice couple from the South and they also agreed that this area is "crazy."
It is so hot here, I really think I am melting. It is hard to cool off, sitting in the shade with a fan doesn't work, it makes it hard to function when you always feel like your brain is shutting off. Getting to the railway station tomorrow morning won't be so fun but what can i do?
I've met many cool people in the past few days, a lot of local interaction. Being alone is a welcome sign for everyone to come talk to you, thankfully a lot of children and some women have been included. I am so sick of the men, I just ignore them completely now. It is so normal to be rude to them, they expect it and if you are nice they just take advantage of the situation and always always always come on to you or try to sell you something.
But Rishikesh will be a retreat, for sure. Man, I am so excited. Enlightenment, here I come :)
The research center sounds amazing, I might help out of possible. I have a few ideas for my future career, some involving Ayurveda and almost all involving medicine of some sort. Where I will study is the biggest question: India, the U.S., or both... I'm not sure. Everyday is different, so my opinion is constantly changing.
I get really fed up with the intensity of this area, and I hope the North is more like the South: relaxed, less populous, and cooler (temperature-wise). If anyone plans to travel to India, the area including Jaipur, Agra, Delhi, and Varanasi does not give you a good idea of what India is all about. I just met a very nice couple from the South and they also agreed that this area is "crazy."
It is so hot here, I really think I am melting. It is hard to cool off, sitting in the shade with a fan doesn't work, it makes it hard to function when you always feel like your brain is shutting off. Getting to the railway station tomorrow morning won't be so fun but what can i do?
I've met many cool people in the past few days, a lot of local interaction. Being alone is a welcome sign for everyone to come talk to you, thankfully a lot of children and some women have been included. I am so sick of the men, I just ignore them completely now. It is so normal to be rude to them, they expect it and if you are nice they just take advantage of the situation and always always always come on to you or try to sell you something.
But Rishikesh will be a retreat, for sure. Man, I am so excited. Enlightenment, here I come :)
Friday, April 11, 2008
India at last
I have made it to this wondrous land, full of adventure, excitement, thrills, and anxiety....this place is crazy. Not as bad as I had expected, but still more intense than you can really imagine. Between the people, the heat, the dirt, the horns, the trains, the buses, the cows, and the children...you become worn out the minute you open your eyes.
It has been two months, in a few days, that I have roamed these lands. The first two weeks were spent in a lovely yoga ashram just outside of Trivandru, Kerala. Southern India is so laid back and peaceful compared to the north. I would still be there if it weren't for the heat and rain that pushed my travel companion and I to head up north through Bombay to Rajasthan and now I'm in the tourist cyclone that is Utter Pradesh. Agra holds the Taj Mahal, Varanasi has the burning ghats and they mystical Ganges River, and Delhi is just full of insanity (i have yet to experience the latter). I cannot wait to escape further north into the himalayas, first stop is Haridwar and then Rishikesh for more meditation and yoga retreats. Then to Dharamsala to visit my old travel buddy and to hopefully see the Dalai Lama, and help out by volunteering with some Tibetan Refugees.
It is very hard to travel in India as a lone female, but I feel like I get stronger each day and soon I will be able to handle the most aggressive tout with a good balance of grace and sternness. Ignoring them usually works, but not always.
Lonliness has plagued my mind over the past week, it doesn't help that Indian women are not too friendly and also travel together and with their husbands/families, and are rarely outside of the home unless they are shopping. Only men hang out in the street and talking with them always leads to the wrong path, where the conversation ends with me running away.
I have done much reading and contemplating, and not enough yoga. But soon that will change, as the ashram life will afford me the time and schedule to get serious for a little while. I plan on staying in an ashram for at least a month, and then later taking a course in Ayurveda, but I'm not sure when that will be. They can be costly and you have find a good center which isn't always the easiest thing to do.
Wow the heat is intense, the sun shines upon your head at6:30 and by 7:30 and you already break into a sweat. One must wake up very early, then take rest during the day, then wake up again for the evening. A tiring schedule, indeed. It makes for a hard time when it is dangerous to be outside alone and you are alone....more time to read and write and meditate.
Eating healthfully is also not really an option, as everything is fried, full of oil/ghee (clarified butter), or sugar. I hope to find a room somewhere with a kitchen or at least an ashram with a healthy menu. We shall see...
It has been two months, in a few days, that I have roamed these lands. The first two weeks were spent in a lovely yoga ashram just outside of Trivandru, Kerala. Southern India is so laid back and peaceful compared to the north. I would still be there if it weren't for the heat and rain that pushed my travel companion and I to head up north through Bombay to Rajasthan and now I'm in the tourist cyclone that is Utter Pradesh. Agra holds the Taj Mahal, Varanasi has the burning ghats and they mystical Ganges River, and Delhi is just full of insanity (i have yet to experience the latter). I cannot wait to escape further north into the himalayas, first stop is Haridwar and then Rishikesh for more meditation and yoga retreats. Then to Dharamsala to visit my old travel buddy and to hopefully see the Dalai Lama, and help out by volunteering with some Tibetan Refugees.
It is very hard to travel in India as a lone female, but I feel like I get stronger each day and soon I will be able to handle the most aggressive tout with a good balance of grace and sternness. Ignoring them usually works, but not always.
Lonliness has plagued my mind over the past week, it doesn't help that Indian women are not too friendly and also travel together and with their husbands/families, and are rarely outside of the home unless they are shopping. Only men hang out in the street and talking with them always leads to the wrong path, where the conversation ends with me running away.
I have done much reading and contemplating, and not enough yoga. But soon that will change, as the ashram life will afford me the time and schedule to get serious for a little while. I plan on staying in an ashram for at least a month, and then later taking a course in Ayurveda, but I'm not sure when that will be. They can be costly and you have find a good center which isn't always the easiest thing to do.
Wow the heat is intense, the sun shines upon your head at6:30 and by 7:30 and you already break into a sweat. One must wake up very early, then take rest during the day, then wake up again for the evening. A tiring schedule, indeed. It makes for a hard time when it is dangerous to be outside alone and you are alone....more time to read and write and meditate.
Eating healthfully is also not really an option, as everything is fried, full of oil/ghee (clarified butter), or sugar. I hope to find a room somewhere with a kitchen or at least an ashram with a healthy menu. We shall see...
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Okay so I am alive and well in India :) so much has happened in the past month, I absolutely adore India, I am so glad I have a 10 year tourist visa so that I am able to stay here as long as I want and/or visit w/o having to deal with getting visas....sweeeeeeeeeet. India is amazing, I say almost everyday that I love this country. Even when I feel like total poop and I am crammed in a train with fifteen people where six people should sit, and babies are crying
Thursday, February 21, 2008
i am strong, i am beautiful, i am me
I AM NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHING
by yogi sivananda
Let the whole world oppose me,
Let all turn out as my enemies,
Let all my friends and disciples leave me.
Let me be put in the prison,
Let me be sent on lifelong exile,
Let me be burnt alive,
Let me die of hunger.
Let me be poisoned or crucified,
Let my body be cut into pieces,
Let people come to stab or cut my throat,
Let me remain without anybody to help me.
Let thunderbolt fall upon my head.
Let me be thrown into the sea.
Let me be trampled under the feet of an elephant,
Let me be rolled down from the summit of a mountain.
There is no fear in my heart: none.
I am immortal Soul, Sivoham, Sivoham !
I have powdered Death, and Maya and its effects.
let's just say that this is how a broken heart feels, and i have overcome that obstacle recently. i'm still in pain and so confused in love's game, but i still feel my strength underneath it all and i know i will survive, and be a better person b/c of it. i've even started writing really good poetry, i see why so many great songs and poems come from heartbreak. i'm really impressed with myself, i will post some up here but some are a little too harsh and have too many bad words in them ;) those of you out there in love and with love, cherish it but don't let it blind you to who you really are. those of you w/o love, embrace your independence and do not wish for that which you don't have. be happy no matter what, with or without someone else's love you are still you and you are still beautiful. yes i am waxing poetic but i'm a poet now, goddamit :)
oh and i'm leaving southeast asia tomorrow morning and heading to India!! finally...wow i can't believe i'm actually leaving a love in SEA (southeast asia) and heading to the motherland. my pride and heart are in need of some comfort and care. my new adventures, wow. it's like a whole new trip for me. i'm a different person than when i left california. so much stronger, more open, confident, loving, and humbled. i never thought i would be able to go through what i've been through the past four months. it feels like it's been a year. but in SEA four months is like a year, it's comparable to 9 months in europe. backpacking here is easy but conditions aren't: guesthouses can be shite, food is rough, and locals can be very difficult. but it is so worth it and i wouldn't give it up for anything.
i'm ready for india, SEA is like bootcamp for india. i've stayed in rooms that were no more than a dirty dirty dirty mattress on the floor of someone's attic, with no toilet in the entire town (that pretty much consisted of a hundred people or so). i've starved while trekking for 8 hours up a mountain only to be squished by 6 other people in a double bed. i've eaten meat that would make a nutritionist cringe. i've been on buses for 10 hours packed with livestock and locals. i've held my heart and hand open to those in need and those that others would turn away, and i have no regrets.
tears come to my eyes right now b/c i'm at a crossroads and have made a very difficult decision, but i am choosing me for the first time in my life. i might be giving up something truly special but i will never know unless i let it go. if it comes back, then it was meant to be. but that letting go is so painful. i'm doing it even though it would be so easy for me not to, but i am. thanks to the support and love from my friends i am holding on to my integrity. i am so thankful for the experiences i've had and keep having. i'm so blessed in this life.
for today only anger not, worry not
be humble
with gratitude work on myself
be kind to all
by yogi sivananda
Let the whole world oppose me,
Let all turn out as my enemies,
Let all my friends and disciples leave me.
Let me be put in the prison,
Let me be sent on lifelong exile,
Let me be burnt alive,
Let me die of hunger.
Let me be poisoned or crucified,
Let my body be cut into pieces,
Let people come to stab or cut my throat,
Let me remain without anybody to help me.
Let thunderbolt fall upon my head.
Let me be thrown into the sea.
Let me be trampled under the feet of an elephant,
Let me be rolled down from the summit of a mountain.
There is no fear in my heart: none.
I am immortal Soul, Sivoham, Sivoham !
I have powdered Death, and Maya and its effects.
let's just say that this is how a broken heart feels, and i have overcome that obstacle recently. i'm still in pain and so confused in love's game, but i still feel my strength underneath it all and i know i will survive, and be a better person b/c of it. i've even started writing really good poetry, i see why so many great songs and poems come from heartbreak. i'm really impressed with myself, i will post some up here but some are a little too harsh and have too many bad words in them ;) those of you out there in love and with love, cherish it but don't let it blind you to who you really are. those of you w/o love, embrace your independence and do not wish for that which you don't have. be happy no matter what, with or without someone else's love you are still you and you are still beautiful. yes i am waxing poetic but i'm a poet now, goddamit :)
oh and i'm leaving southeast asia tomorrow morning and heading to India!! finally...wow i can't believe i'm actually leaving a love in SEA (southeast asia) and heading to the motherland. my pride and heart are in need of some comfort and care. my new adventures, wow. it's like a whole new trip for me. i'm a different person than when i left california. so much stronger, more open, confident, loving, and humbled. i never thought i would be able to go through what i've been through the past four months. it feels like it's been a year. but in SEA four months is like a year, it's comparable to 9 months in europe. backpacking here is easy but conditions aren't: guesthouses can be shite, food is rough, and locals can be very difficult. but it is so worth it and i wouldn't give it up for anything.
i'm ready for india, SEA is like bootcamp for india. i've stayed in rooms that were no more than a dirty dirty dirty mattress on the floor of someone's attic, with no toilet in the entire town (that pretty much consisted of a hundred people or so). i've starved while trekking for 8 hours up a mountain only to be squished by 6 other people in a double bed. i've eaten meat that would make a nutritionist cringe. i've been on buses for 10 hours packed with livestock and locals. i've held my heart and hand open to those in need and those that others would turn away, and i have no regrets.
tears come to my eyes right now b/c i'm at a crossroads and have made a very difficult decision, but i am choosing me for the first time in my life. i might be giving up something truly special but i will never know unless i let it go. if it comes back, then it was meant to be. but that letting go is so painful. i'm doing it even though it would be so easy for me not to, but i am. thanks to the support and love from my friends i am holding on to my integrity. i am so thankful for the experiences i've had and keep having. i'm so blessed in this life.
for today only anger not, worry not
be humble
with gratitude work on myself
be kind to all
Sunday, January 20, 2008
these are beautiful pics for me b/c they were taken in my hometown: Del Mar, California. I love nothing more than blue sky and clouds above my head, and soft sand between my toes. I have had a severe lack of such things in SE Asia, which seems contradictory but it's true. Most of my time here has been in cities and on rivers, but not the beach. So I really miss Cali when I'm freezing my butt off in Viet Nam.
Here are some amazing pics from Viet Nam:
this is in a random alleyway in Ha Noi, so many motorbikes and these random tags on the buildings, I still haven't figured out what they mean...
i love this tower, it was at the Army Museum in Ha Noi. The Vietnamese flag is so simple, strong, and powerful. Perfect for this challenging and challenged country.
This amazing sight is Had Yao beach in Ko Pha-Ngan, Thailand ( the view from my guesthouse restaurant/bar, complete with lounging pillows, super energy leaves, and the most perfect Mojito EVER). The sand and the water was amazing. I had only one day of sunshine and four days of rain/clouds, but playing cards and drinking beers with my girl, Chantelle, and some Aussies, made the days pass by w/o worry. Isn't the water gorgeous? I can't wait to experience the other islands, but not without my Fernando, I promise.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
I heart myself
Speak measured words, and control lingual diarrhoea. Develop the power of endurance. Lead a hard life.
-- Sri Swami Sivananda
i can't even begin to fully explain the importance of this quote. this is the exact lesson that i learned yesterday and now my heart has fully opened up to happiness, love, and loss of expectations.
since my last post i went to Si Phan Don, the 4000 islands in southern Laos, then back to Thailand (Bangkok and to Ko Pha-Ngan for NYE and back again to Bangkok), and now I am in Viet Nam on an island with one of the most amazing and beautiful people I have ever met.
all i can say is, keep your heart and eyes open and all will work out. when the worst situation in the world confronts you, do not run. follow your heart no matter how much it hurts and how scared you feel. i did just that and now i feel like i'm in a dream.
it's funny, so much has changed in the past month and a half but my plans to go to india and south america are the same. i have found so much during this trip, in me and in the world, and also in others. people are what make life worth living, people you love or people you can't stand, it doesn't matter.
the world is huge but also soooo small. i came to viet nam with anxiety like you would never believe. it was like i knew something huge was about to happen and man, was i right. i write this now as a different person than i was two days ago, let alone three months ago. i have been humbled. i respect the world in a different way. i have gone from hating my country to being proud to be american. i am proud to be myself. i can't be anyone else.
i highly suggest traveling in SE Asia or really anywhere that isn't a first world country, if that is all you know. open your mind and happiness follows. sorrow and hardship are best friends of happiness, but it is how you deal with them and overcome them, that really truly brings about bliss and contentment.
going to india is something i have to do, she calls to me all the time, but i think i found something in SE Asia that i've been looking for all my life: a mirror from which i cannot hide. once you face your fears headon there is no stopping you. strength and commitment to living abound. love conquers all.
be blessed my friends, you are all deeply loved and missed every day. i can't wait to see you all again and look into your eyes and give you all a big hug.
much love from Asia, the land of dreams :)
-- Sri Swami Sivananda
i can't even begin to fully explain the importance of this quote. this is the exact lesson that i learned yesterday and now my heart has fully opened up to happiness, love, and loss of expectations.
since my last post i went to Si Phan Don, the 4000 islands in southern Laos, then back to Thailand (Bangkok and to Ko Pha-Ngan for NYE and back again to Bangkok), and now I am in Viet Nam on an island with one of the most amazing and beautiful people I have ever met.
all i can say is, keep your heart and eyes open and all will work out. when the worst situation in the world confronts you, do not run. follow your heart no matter how much it hurts and how scared you feel. i did just that and now i feel like i'm in a dream.
it's funny, so much has changed in the past month and a half but my plans to go to india and south america are the same. i have found so much during this trip, in me and in the world, and also in others. people are what make life worth living, people you love or people you can't stand, it doesn't matter.
the world is huge but also soooo small. i came to viet nam with anxiety like you would never believe. it was like i knew something huge was about to happen and man, was i right. i write this now as a different person than i was two days ago, let alone three months ago. i have been humbled. i respect the world in a different way. i have gone from hating my country to being proud to be american. i am proud to be myself. i can't be anyone else.
i highly suggest traveling in SE Asia or really anywhere that isn't a first world country, if that is all you know. open your mind and happiness follows. sorrow and hardship are best friends of happiness, but it is how you deal with them and overcome them, that really truly brings about bliss and contentment.
going to india is something i have to do, she calls to me all the time, but i think i found something in SE Asia that i've been looking for all my life: a mirror from which i cannot hide. once you face your fears headon there is no stopping you. strength and commitment to living abound. love conquers all.
be blessed my friends, you are all deeply loved and missed every day. i can't wait to see you all again and look into your eyes and give you all a big hug.
much love from Asia, the land of dreams :)
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Cambodia is crazy
Wow, I am in Cambodia. I left Laos a few days ago planning on spending time in Bangkok, like longer than two hours, but then ended up on a bus to Siem Reap... funny how traveling works sometimes. Three countries in just over 24 hours. Wow.
Laos is great, I don't even know where to begin. Best place ever. Luang Prabang is probably my favorite city in the world right now, I LOVE IT SO MUCH. I didn't mean to capitolize that last part but this janky keyboard keeps making me yell....
Traveling is amazing I dont' even know what to say. I feel more alive now than I ever have in my life. So centered, so grounded, so "in the moment." I just formulated a plan to travel from SE Asia to India and Nepal and then South America. Wow. I keep saying that but being in Cambodia is really a trip. You can't understand it until you come here. Especially right after spending so much time in Laos, which is so laid back and gorgeous. I am so going back to Laos asap. Literally. Maybe in a week or so. To the south where I have not been yet. And then maybe Viet Nam or the Thaislands (i just made that up) for the holidays. Not sure yet. Hard to plan further than one week or even 2 days ahead.
Okay this keyboard is getting to me and I am exhausted and will try to get up to see the sunrise in Angkor, so I bid you all farewell and lots of love!
Laos is great, I don't even know where to begin. Best place ever. Luang Prabang is probably my favorite city in the world right now, I LOVE IT SO MUCH. I didn't mean to capitolize that last part but this janky keyboard keeps making me yell....
Traveling is amazing I dont' even know what to say. I feel more alive now than I ever have in my life. So centered, so grounded, so "in the moment." I just formulated a plan to travel from SE Asia to India and Nepal and then South America. Wow. I keep saying that but being in Cambodia is really a trip. You can't understand it until you come here. Especially right after spending so much time in Laos, which is so laid back and gorgeous. I am so going back to Laos asap. Literally. Maybe in a week or so. To the south where I have not been yet. And then maybe Viet Nam or the Thaislands (i just made that up) for the holidays. Not sure yet. Hard to plan further than one week or even 2 days ahead.
Okay this keyboard is getting to me and I am exhausted and will try to get up to see the sunrise in Angkor, so I bid you all farewell and lots of love!
Sunday, November 18, 2007
same same but different
so if you have ever been to SEA you will be very familiar with that phrase...everything is same same but different. even if it is really different. like laos and thailand. laos is what thailand used to be, and it's scary to see what it might become. i'm totally going to be one of those people sayin "laos was so much better 5/10/15 years ago."
i spent a great few days in luang prabang. the trip there was rather intense. the slow boat from thailand is something beyond explanation. it is rough. being squished on this boat with so many people for so long, you can't help but forge friendships with your fellow captives. i almost went crazy, especially when the tripped out old hippy dude started telling me he was taken over by an evil spirit back in 1975, and this was barely an hour into the first of a two days 14 hr boat ride.
luckily i had some canadian and british folk all around to keep my sane. i seem to keep finding dudes to travel with. after leaving the first group of four back in thailand, i immediately found three more. luckily i was saved by four girls, two welsh and two irish, and had a big transition into the land if girlyness. that only lasted for a few days, then they headed south and i headed north with one of the guys i met in thailand (found him again in luang prabang) and spent a week with him, trekking out of muang sing, and now i'm off on my own again over to the east and do some more trekking. maybe not the intense 3 days 45km trek that i've done a couple times now, but who knows. keeps me in good shape.
there are mosquitos the size of butterflies about, so i need to put on some more repellant and not forget to take my doxy! that is the malaria prevention of choice, apparently. i'm taking it, dad!
i will be in more places w/o internet so my next submission might not be for a while and emails will be few and far between. but happy thanksgiving to you all and happy birthday dad!
i spent a great few days in luang prabang. the trip there was rather intense. the slow boat from thailand is something beyond explanation. it is rough. being squished on this boat with so many people for so long, you can't help but forge friendships with your fellow captives. i almost went crazy, especially when the tripped out old hippy dude started telling me he was taken over by an evil spirit back in 1975, and this was barely an hour into the first of a two days 14 hr boat ride.
luckily i had some canadian and british folk all around to keep my sane. i seem to keep finding dudes to travel with. after leaving the first group of four back in thailand, i immediately found three more. luckily i was saved by four girls, two welsh and two irish, and had a big transition into the land if girlyness. that only lasted for a few days, then they headed south and i headed north with one of the guys i met in thailand (found him again in luang prabang) and spent a week with him, trekking out of muang sing, and now i'm off on my own again over to the east and do some more trekking. maybe not the intense 3 days 45km trek that i've done a couple times now, but who knows. keeps me in good shape.
there are mosquitos the size of butterflies about, so i need to put on some more repellant and not forget to take my doxy! that is the malaria prevention of choice, apparently. i'm taking it, dad!
i will be in more places w/o internet so my next submission might not be for a while and emails will be few and far between. but happy thanksgiving to you all and happy birthday dad!
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Goodbye Thailand, Hello Laos
okay so still no pics, but i will try to post some as soon as i get to laos. i head out of thailand tomorrow and i'm on my way to luang prabang. not really sure why i booked the package that gets me from pai straight to luang prabang...but i did. sometimes these decisions just make themselves.
i was thinking about heading back to chiang mai for a few days, and checking out some temples i didn't get to see b/c i was lost on my bike down by the airport and it took a little while of walking along a highway until i ended up back in the walls surrounding central chiang mai and bought a cool skirt for 50 Baht (about $1.30). the next day was the jungle trek that was absolutely amazing.
four days in the jungles of NE Thailand with a jungle master. We met this guide named Had that is from the hills and has spent the last 20 years guiding tourists around his homeland. We spent the first day driving a few hours into the park, stopping at a market to buy provisions where we were accosted by some hilltribes women and i bought a cool water bottle holder that goes over your shoulder (only moments before i was hoping to have such an item, and $0.90 you can't complain). I wondered how long they last and mine is still functional but Tash's lasted about ten minutes.
we sat by the road and at some pad thai take-away, each boy had two while us girls had one, then headed into the jungle. we hiked about 10km that day, saw a huge cave where a monk has lived by himself for 10 years or so, and he goes down the the village each morning to get his daily food. we stayed at the village that night, our first introduction to thai moonshine, some sort of rice liquor that they call whiskey but is more like vodka or something. anyway it was awesome. we were famished so the food we were given was absolutely delicious. fresh rice, veggies, garlic chicken, and lots of fresh chillies. we passed around the one shot glass and whiskey and played some sort of card game, i don't really remember what it was but we had a blast. the other guide came out and was smoking this huge cigarette made with banana leaf papers so it was really really big. he also sang "no woman no cry" with the added lyric "no whiskey i die." we just about died laughing.
going to the outdoor toilet was fun, tash and i met a cow named Mooella the second. she even had her own song. i was absolutely freezing that night b/c we bathed in the river and my was wet, and i was not prepared for the cold. it's thailand, you don't need clothes! in the south, that is. even in chiang mai it was hot and sweaty. but up in the jungle it was easily 50 (F). my little skimpy borrowed sleeping bag did me not much good, luckily dan lent me his -15 (C) bag the next night, although i bled into it from my leech bite that i managed to acquire while using the real outdoor toilet the next night (i.e. the grass).
day two we began with a strong cup of instant coffee, some eggs and toast, and a pig in labor! i also got licked by a cow...we didn't see any piglets being born, but we squealed like one when the mother stepped on the first one (no broken bones b/c babies are almost all cartilage). i think we were stressing her out so we left her alone.
then we headed up and up and up and up (15km that day).....straight up for so long, by the time we reached the waterfall we needed a break and some more good food. although it was a bit like top ramen, thai style, in awesome bamboo bowls. bamboo plants are good for everything: plates, cups, silverware, weapons, walking sticks, ropes, weaving material. and banana leaves are great seats, tablecloths, and rolling papers. oh and food wrappers! and it's all biodegradable. Jungle Life! the boys went to making a damn, crazy boys are always doing something "manly."
then we went back uphill, me with my sarong being worn like obi won kanobe. we finished up in a little hut by the river (always stay by moving water so mosquitos are pretty rare) that our guide had stayed at the year before, while helping a scientist plant rice. so there were huge rice fields across the river, along with mint, some oranges, limes, chilis, and peanuts. we used them all, some for eating but mostly for making jungle mojitos! that is right folks, i was about two days away from "civilization" but i was drinking the best damn mojito anyone has had in the jungle. we used up the sugar, the whiskey, and the limes, but it was worth it. a game of "i went to the waterfall and i brought" went on far too long. we had a german leather queen, a tricycle, some nailclippers, and the game was finally stopped by some more good thai food.
day three we hiked 18km, with a lunch by the river that consisted of some awesome pumpkin curry and egg fried rice. that night we ended up at another village where the children had probably never seen a farang before, they sat with us and stared at us for hours. we had a great time of drawing pics of and for them, and taking their pics and showing them the screen. some relaxing that night helped me out a lot, i was exhausted and kinda sick. i'm still coughing a bit and we got back four days ago.
the last day we rafted down the river, on bamboo rafts and used bamboo sticks as our paddles. i was sitting at first but quickly grew tired of it, so i helped steer our boat. not much whitewater but it was nice to see all the buffalo everywhere.
we ended up back in chiang mai that night, exhausted and starving. the boys went to an all you can eat steak place and i headed to the best veggie restaurant in chiang mai, blue diamone. so freaking good. i talked to my parents briefly, passed out, and headed to pai the next morning. i've been in pai for three days and love it! i totally see how people get stuck here...i could stay for a month. but i decided to definitely make it to india and hopefully up to tibet, so i need to leave before i spend all my money in thailand.
we stayed at these awesome huts along the river, pretty cheap for our own hut each with a big bed and private attached bathroom with hot water shower. the last night (tonight) they raised the prices b/c of high season and i think it's a thai holiday weekend. i'm staying at another place that is not so nice but i leave early in the morning and my room is really big and the bathroom is right next door and no one else is staying around me.
pai has been really fun, when i've been alone. the first day (halloween) i was so tired i just took a shower, a nap, and went to dinner for nick's birthday. had some drinks at buffalo exchange (the same font on the sign for the store back in the states, but no clothes to be seen) and went to a halloween party at a bar that ended right when dan and i showed up. so we had a quick drink and a roti and went to bed. the next day we rented motorbikes and went to a waterfall nearby (i know i know it was dangerous but i'm okay!) i did manage to fall on the bike and scrape up my knee a bit, but it's totally fine and some people are on crutches and/or seriously scratched up all over their side. so i got off quite easily. don't know when i'll rent one again, i think push bikes are more my style. or bicycles, as we call them.
the next day i hung out, read in my little bungalow for a while in the morning, headed out to this great cafe that has a lounge seat for people to sit around or lay down while eating/reading/chatting. after spending a week or so with four boys (that are total "boys", even the gay one was super testosterone_filled) it was nice to have some feminine energy around me. some artists were there to chat with and then i wandered around, had some tea, some more conversations, bought some books, read while watching the clouds moved across the sky over the intense green of the jungle mountain, all above the river passing next to my deck.... then i had dinner and drinks with the boys again and retired to my room for some more reading and a big fat mosquito...
i'm excited for some alone time. i find that i have a better time when not stuck in a group of people. I love the boys but it was too much for me after a while. We all split up today and I might see them later on (especially Dan b/c he left his trunks outside of my hut). i spent the day arranging tomorrow, finding another room, and chatting with a fellow californian yogi who gave me some great advice/ideas about india. i'm so excited.
oh and i just finished "life of pi" and it was good, thanks ali! i almost traded it for the red tent but ended up with something i haven't read yet, we'll see how it goes. it's funny, i keep reading books about india while in thailand, and now the i'm leaving thailand i'm starting to read "the beach"...
goodbye thailand! i'll be back soon :)
i was thinking about heading back to chiang mai for a few days, and checking out some temples i didn't get to see b/c i was lost on my bike down by the airport and it took a little while of walking along a highway until i ended up back in the walls surrounding central chiang mai and bought a cool skirt for 50 Baht (about $1.30). the next day was the jungle trek that was absolutely amazing.
four days in the jungles of NE Thailand with a jungle master. We met this guide named Had that is from the hills and has spent the last 20 years guiding tourists around his homeland. We spent the first day driving a few hours into the park, stopping at a market to buy provisions where we were accosted by some hilltribes women and i bought a cool water bottle holder that goes over your shoulder (only moments before i was hoping to have such an item, and $0.90 you can't complain). I wondered how long they last and mine is still functional but Tash's lasted about ten minutes.
we sat by the road and at some pad thai take-away, each boy had two while us girls had one, then headed into the jungle. we hiked about 10km that day, saw a huge cave where a monk has lived by himself for 10 years or so, and he goes down the the village each morning to get his daily food. we stayed at the village that night, our first introduction to thai moonshine, some sort of rice liquor that they call whiskey but is more like vodka or something. anyway it was awesome. we were famished so the food we were given was absolutely delicious. fresh rice, veggies, garlic chicken, and lots of fresh chillies. we passed around the one shot glass and whiskey and played some sort of card game, i don't really remember what it was but we had a blast. the other guide came out and was smoking this huge cigarette made with banana leaf papers so it was really really big. he also sang "no woman no cry" with the added lyric "no whiskey i die." we just about died laughing.
going to the outdoor toilet was fun, tash and i met a cow named Mooella the second. she even had her own song. i was absolutely freezing that night b/c we bathed in the river and my was wet, and i was not prepared for the cold. it's thailand, you don't need clothes! in the south, that is. even in chiang mai it was hot and sweaty. but up in the jungle it was easily 50 (F). my little skimpy borrowed sleeping bag did me not much good, luckily dan lent me his -15 (C) bag the next night, although i bled into it from my leech bite that i managed to acquire while using the real outdoor toilet the next night (i.e. the grass).
day two we began with a strong cup of instant coffee, some eggs and toast, and a pig in labor! i also got licked by a cow...we didn't see any piglets being born, but we squealed like one when the mother stepped on the first one (no broken bones b/c babies are almost all cartilage). i think we were stressing her out so we left her alone.
then we headed up and up and up and up (15km that day).....straight up for so long, by the time we reached the waterfall we needed a break and some more good food. although it was a bit like top ramen, thai style, in awesome bamboo bowls. bamboo plants are good for everything: plates, cups, silverware, weapons, walking sticks, ropes, weaving material. and banana leaves are great seats, tablecloths, and rolling papers. oh and food wrappers! and it's all biodegradable. Jungle Life! the boys went to making a damn, crazy boys are always doing something "manly."
then we went back uphill, me with my sarong being worn like obi won kanobe. we finished up in a little hut by the river (always stay by moving water so mosquitos are pretty rare) that our guide had stayed at the year before, while helping a scientist plant rice. so there were huge rice fields across the river, along with mint, some oranges, limes, chilis, and peanuts. we used them all, some for eating but mostly for making jungle mojitos! that is right folks, i was about two days away from "civilization" but i was drinking the best damn mojito anyone has had in the jungle. we used up the sugar, the whiskey, and the limes, but it was worth it. a game of "i went to the waterfall and i brought" went on far too long. we had a german leather queen, a tricycle, some nailclippers, and the game was finally stopped by some more good thai food.
day three we hiked 18km, with a lunch by the river that consisted of some awesome pumpkin curry and egg fried rice. that night we ended up at another village where the children had probably never seen a farang before, they sat with us and stared at us for hours. we had a great time of drawing pics of and for them, and taking their pics and showing them the screen. some relaxing that night helped me out a lot, i was exhausted and kinda sick. i'm still coughing a bit and we got back four days ago.
the last day we rafted down the river, on bamboo rafts and used bamboo sticks as our paddles. i was sitting at first but quickly grew tired of it, so i helped steer our boat. not much whitewater but it was nice to see all the buffalo everywhere.
we ended up back in chiang mai that night, exhausted and starving. the boys went to an all you can eat steak place and i headed to the best veggie restaurant in chiang mai, blue diamone. so freaking good. i talked to my parents briefly, passed out, and headed to pai the next morning. i've been in pai for three days and love it! i totally see how people get stuck here...i could stay for a month. but i decided to definitely make it to india and hopefully up to tibet, so i need to leave before i spend all my money in thailand.
we stayed at these awesome huts along the river, pretty cheap for our own hut each with a big bed and private attached bathroom with hot water shower. the last night (tonight) they raised the prices b/c of high season and i think it's a thai holiday weekend. i'm staying at another place that is not so nice but i leave early in the morning and my room is really big and the bathroom is right next door and no one else is staying around me.
pai has been really fun, when i've been alone. the first day (halloween) i was so tired i just took a shower, a nap, and went to dinner for nick's birthday. had some drinks at buffalo exchange (the same font on the sign for the store back in the states, but no clothes to be seen) and went to a halloween party at a bar that ended right when dan and i showed up. so we had a quick drink and a roti and went to bed. the next day we rented motorbikes and went to a waterfall nearby (i know i know it was dangerous but i'm okay!) i did manage to fall on the bike and scrape up my knee a bit, but it's totally fine and some people are on crutches and/or seriously scratched up all over their side. so i got off quite easily. don't know when i'll rent one again, i think push bikes are more my style. or bicycles, as we call them.
the next day i hung out, read in my little bungalow for a while in the morning, headed out to this great cafe that has a lounge seat for people to sit around or lay down while eating/reading/chatting. after spending a week or so with four boys (that are total "boys", even the gay one was super testosterone_filled) it was nice to have some feminine energy around me. some artists were there to chat with and then i wandered around, had some tea, some more conversations, bought some books, read while watching the clouds moved across the sky over the intense green of the jungle mountain, all above the river passing next to my deck.... then i had dinner and drinks with the boys again and retired to my room for some more reading and a big fat mosquito...
i'm excited for some alone time. i find that i have a better time when not stuck in a group of people. I love the boys but it was too much for me after a while. We all split up today and I might see them later on (especially Dan b/c he left his trunks outside of my hut). i spent the day arranging tomorrow, finding another room, and chatting with a fellow californian yogi who gave me some great advice/ideas about india. i'm so excited.
oh and i just finished "life of pi" and it was good, thanks ali! i almost traded it for the red tent but ended up with something i haven't read yet, we'll see how it goes. it's funny, i keep reading books about india while in thailand, and now the i'm leaving thailand i'm starting to read "the beach"...
goodbye thailand! i'll be back soon :)
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