I have landed...

...and kicked up so much dust in my present place of existence, sometimes it's hard to see my hands in front of my face. Feeling my feet on the ground is even more difficult, partly b/c I'm flying on a cloud right now, and partly b/c the energy of this place is so fantastically different than anywhere I've been in a long time. Probably since I left the Bay back in 2006. And even then I rarely made the trek over here since 2004. Regardless, it's so good to be back.

It's like reuniting with an old lover from your youth. You have both changed, yet remain very much the same. It's familiar and awkward to the extreme, varying with your mood, the time of day, and the places you go. At times I am happier than I've been in my life, and at times I'm more sad that I can remember. So much loss and pain and suffering happened at the hands of this lover, and so much forgiveness and love and acceptance are being issued. The hatred is quickly being replaced with the golden rays of sunshine, and I am in the middle, watching the exchange take place, taking great care to not grasp the shreds of fear and memories as they flow down the drain of release.

The dust that was kicked up by my landing is slowly settling, and I have been aware that sitting quietly and still are of the utmost importance. Only that way will I not inhale and reintroduce the previous patterns and beliefs of my follied youth. I have spent much time in solace, nursing my wounds that have been reopened and manipulated so as to allow for the most efficient and healthy healing process. Basically it's super painful and hard to move at many points during the days and nights. Even as I write this tears form in my eyes and I am in awe of my own courage and strength, as this is no easy task that I am in the process of successfully completing: following my heart and soul to really create a life of bliss, purpose, and change. No, this is no easy task. Easy is not even in the same area code.

I thank my teachers of the past for helping me see my potential, for helping me cleanse myself of the inner clutter and opening up to the will of a bigger and greater purpose than that of just little ol' me. I was so unhappy living for myself, working to pay my bills and just keep my head above water. I always felt that there was so much more, something I was missing, and I didn't shy away from opening the door to my salvation.

So even as I sit in this cafe, with more emotions going on in my heart than people drinking caffeinated beverages around me, I know that I am "sitting in limbo" just like the lyrics to the song that played overhead when I first got here. Talk about a message from Spirit. I'm always getting these little flickers of divine guidance on the radio, wherever I am. Keeps me connected and happy and listening to music. They definitely know what they are doing...

And so do I, it turns out. From my own little psychic reading today, I realized that I am almost to the finish line in this epic race, and yes I am exhausted, yes I am worn to the bone, yes it would be so easy to just lay down right here and catch my breath and ease my aching being, but the finish line is just over there and I can see the shining flags of patience, fortitude, stick-to-it-iveness, and that is what keeps me going. I know that the gifts I will receive once I reach my goal are so out of my comprehension levels right now I can't even fathom how amazing they are and how they will feel, and that alone is worth it all. So I pick my head and heart back up, carry them with the strength of Spirit by my side and in my soul, and keep moving toward the finish line. I am so close, too close to give up now.

I have been gifted an amazing strength of will, and I can withstand a heck of a lot, and then revive myself back to a state of even more strength and willfulness, and keep on fighting the good fight. Even though it's not really a fight, it's a balancing act. Balancing self care with motivation, fear with courage, strength with gentleness, freedom with comfort, and light with shadow.

These past few days have been more difficult than any other time of my life, for I have no distractions, nothing to fill myself up with, and I am left with only the awareness of what is. Can't count of my hand how many people I know that can say that same thing... not that it makes me feel better about myself, it actually reminds me of just how much of an Indigo I really am. Sometimes I think we were all crazy for agreeing to these conditions... and then I read about the oil spill, or Arizona's immigration law, or children not able to go to school simply b/c of where they live, and I remember why we agreed to sacrifice so much to cause so much change in our world. And maybe agreed is not the right word, we probably literally jumped out of our heavenly seats, shouting, "Me! Me! Let me do it! Send me down there, I want to do it!!" and now here we are... in our human body vehicles, and so confused as to what the heck happened and why no one understands us... If we can't understand ourselves, how can anyone else get a clue? That is the funniest part of it all. We truly are unique and fiery. Talk about a square peg in a round hole...

I am so glad that I remembered this blog, as a means of expressing myself to others and put my writing talents to use. It always felt so good to get out on paper or the screen all the stuff bouncing around my head and weighing my heart down. And maybe, it sparks something inside of you, and makes you laugh, cry, cringe, and get outside of yourself long enough to get some new perspective on your own life. Sometimes that is all it takes. After all, isn't that what friends are for?