Smudgy spots

I just wiped off a teary mascara smudge on my mouse pad and just realized how hard my life has become recently. Awareness is everything and right now I am super aware of it all. All the holes I had been filling with friends, food, and activities are pretty raw and open now that I have cleared those unhealthy habits. They are healing, thank Jah Jah, but they are still wounded and hurting. I see the five year old me and I want to hold her hand and let her know that it is okay to cry, okay to scream, okay to throw the occasional tantrum. As long as she gets it out of her system, it’s all good. That is the same for grown-ups. We oftentimes just need some sort of release to happen and the rest of it is golden.

My afternoon is a perfect example: I spent the morning having a nightmarish dream where some sort of evil being was ravaging the town I was in and I was attempting to evade it without much success. Then I woke up to realize that I might just have the house to myself, and that meant one thing: laundry time! It might not sound so exciting, but in a house of 5+ people and one washer and dryer, it's a rare treat to find them empty and available. I hopped out of bed, walked downstairs, and set the washer to fill with water (my secret to reserving it for myself) and I ran back upstairs and quickly stripped my bed of the sheets that have seen way too much of my body in the past three weeks. Between hurting my back and the ascension symptoms I’ve been experiencing, my bed has been my best friend.

I want to care for my friend as it has cared for me and I headed downstairs for the long overdue washing and drying of my bed linens. I was stoked to realize that I was actually home alone and could have a peaceful breakfast (well, brunch, b/c it was noon) by myself and do my thing without a care in the world. I was able to do almost all of my laundry and realize just how many clothes I have (waiting three weeks to do laundry would leave most people without anything to wear). I even rearranged my room and put stuff away in the closet, thus freeing up some space to eventually practice yoga! I moved rooms before getting hurt and wasn’t able to create the space I need and throw out the stuff I so did not want anymore.

After the rearranging and the laundry, I swept my floor and cleared out a month’s worth of dust and dirt. I’m a pretty clean person so it wasn’t totally filthy, but I do love me a clean room. I don’t even want my friends going into my room unless it’s perfectly organized and pretty. I feel so much more clear in my head when my sheets are smooth and my pillows fluffed. It took twenty-eight years for my mother’s clean freak to manifest in me, and I welcome it with open arms. Cleanliness is super important in a spiritual practice, for it symbolizes so much in life. If your heart and mind are clean, you really want it to show in the 3-D world.

I actually remember the first time I felt the cleaning bug bite me on the ass. It was after the 3rd chakra clearing at Leah’s meditation group and I realized how much crap I had in my car. So I went for it and cleaned the whole thing, even organizing my trunk. And it felt so good I was really quite proud of myself. Since then I haven’t let anything get too dirty or disorganized, which is quite the opposite of how I used to be when I was younger and in college. My bed would only be made if someone else felt the need, or if company was coming over. It was way easier when I just had a sheet and a comforter, but now I have three blankets or more and five pillows, so it takes me at least five minutes to get the whole thing situated. But the feeling I get when I come back into the room after I cleaned it makes it all worthwhile. It’s like a deep breath of fresh air.

It also shows that I am taking care of myself and acting like the adult that I am rather than wanting some unknown mother-type figure to magically come in and make it all pretty while I’m out getting my toes done. I may have grown up in the environment where having maids and servants was not too far from reality (my mom has had a weekly housecleaner most of my life) but I really dig the whole DIY thing. It helps one feel fulfilled and useful.

Having a clean room is definitely one way to love yourself and feel at peace. It is much easier to create, meditate, practice yoga, and even sleep when you are in a clean room. Clutter in the mind is created from clutter around, so do yourself a favor and make it a daily habit of straightening up your living space. Chi flows so much better when the surfaces are free of debris and unnecessary items.

I just realized that I had started this whole room cleaning rant as an example for why we need to have emotional releases. So let me get back to that... After I did all this cleaning, my house started filling back up. The noise level was increasing, as was the psychic/energetic noise. I am super sensitive to all of this lately and I still have this disjointed feeling wreaking havoc on my nervous system when I want to be alone yet there are people to hang out with in the house. I know I am meant to be alone and no one is judging me (most of my housemates spend tons of time in their room, as well) but I feel like I want to escape and be with them b/c it's sunny and I have time. Basically I feel like I "should" hang out with them and I am avoiding something and doing the wrong thing by being alone. If no one is home, I'm totally fine by myself. But as soon as people gather downstairs, I feel like the left-out child with social problems. This is completely untrue yet I still feel that way. I'm working on those belief statements...

Anyway, the anxiety was building as more people were coming home and I didn't know what to do with myself. I started texting my close girlfriends for some support as the emotional tidal wave was about to crest and I didn't know what to do except let it fall over me and hope that I was able to resurface quickly. I did have a big energetic healing session yesterday so it makes sense that I get to release the emotions that were freed yesterday, and they were deep core issues associated with my 3rd chakra and my heart. I didn't know what to do; I started feeling like I was going to lose it, and so I just cried. I didn't even know what specifically I was crying about, I just knew that I had to cry and let it out. So I did. I was texting and crying and hoping no one could hear me sobbing on my bed while they were laughing downstairs. After a few minutes I started to feel better. I stopped crying and realized that all I needed to do was let it go. I felt less crazy, stronger, and happy for myself that I allowed the space for this pain to be felt and released. In the past I would run from it, and shove it down or numb it somehow. This time I actually sat with it and let the whole emotional release process do what it needed to do. And I felt way better for it.

Now I'm at a cafe and writing for the first time in a really long time (three months is a long time for a writer to not write). I wouldn't be here right now getting this work done if I spent that time shootin the shit with my housemates, not really wanting to be there or hear what they had to say. Sticking to your soul's desires always proves beneficial in the end, even if it's not fun. Personal and emotional growth is not always fun, but it is always a good positive thing, and I am so grateful that I am strong enough to do this on my own.

So, yeah, I guess I'm just trying to encourage you all to honor how you are feeling at any given moment, and to really dig deep and figure out what is the best way to honor your process at that moment. Sometimes it means just going for a walk, or calling a friend, or facing the person you really are having issues with. For me it meant letting my guard down, crying my eyes out for a few minutes, then getting my stuff together and writing (my newest income source). I am glad that I'm surrounded by college students b/c I fit in, looking all stressed-out and tired and writing up a storm on my MacBook. I actually don't look all that bad. I'm glowing, actually, b/c of all this energy boosting I've been experiencing this month. People still stare at me and I wonder what the hell they are looking at, then I catch sight of my eyes and realize how clear, blue, and powerful they are. You can truly see into my heart and soul and I'm sure people feel the love and compassion that I emanate.

This tenderness is what has created such a sensitive space in time for me, yet it is what draws humans and animals into my experience. People love being around me b/c of it and yet it is hard to be around them most of the time. Such a paradox! I retreat to my room daily and yet I know others need me. It's a balance I need to find, and right now I'm giving my Self all the space and quiet time that I require to fully honor and love my process and path right now.

It's funny how much energy I literally feel manifesting in my neck and jaw from the throat chakra clearing and opening. I felt like I had whiplash and closed my eyes and moved it down into the earth, and it was gone immediately. I am way more powerful and able to move energy than ever before. I just need to pay attention, see where it is manifesting from, and I can clear just about anything. I face it, talk to it, and then let it go. It works!