my saving grace

it is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society
-krishnamurti



i am not crazy
i am not lazy
i am not sick
i am not a loser
i am not to be pitied
i am not to be judged
i am not to be anything other than me

well adjusted
in my world
a good world
full of heart
love
compassion
and freedom

so green
come play with me!

this is amazing http://www.real-wishes.com

searching for Truth

Sadness flies

on the wings of the morning

and out of the heart of darkness

comes the light.

-Jean Giraudoux

just reread my last post and wondering how to keep this mindset when in del mar, san diego, california, usa?? easy to say and do when in magical dharamsala........ man oh man.

Journal entry 23/6/08, the christening of my truly Liz-style artistic venture

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
-Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

Today I recognized that I am a healer :) With the help of Daisy, my fellow American expat, I successfully helped her in her spiritual path, through the act of opening myself up and giving her my love, not just universal love (i.e. reiki). I gave selfelssly from myself to another being, and it's amazing that I helped to heal her cakra blockage. I channeled her spirit guides, giving her a message that she's been waiting to hear for some months. It was a healing exchange. Oftentimes I wished for some healing abilities, when really I just needed to recognize the abilities that I already have. I do have potential for more learning, but the talent has already manifested inside of me, just needed me to look at it and see myself for what I really am.

I am not tied down by labels
I am not tied down by ego
I am not tied down by obligation
expectation
reservation

I am FREE
Free to be me
Free to be no one
Free to be everyone
And Everything


Right now I sit in McLeod Ganj, Dharamsala, Himachal Pradesh, India. But I am surrounded by the same conciousness that surrounds one in London, Paris, New York, LA. Even SD. We are all one, and we are all nothing. We are the same in emptiness and fullness.

Humanity is a blip in the universe, a falsity in the home of Truth. But we still ARE.

So much to learn, or remember.

I am an old soul but this is not my last visit here. Definitely not.

If anything, I'll come back for the coffee :)

a beautiful passage

i just read this on a friend's facebook page and it brought tears to my eyes. this is about truly living, not through fear or the lower cakras, but truly living from your heart and your conciousness. enjoy.

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living, I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are, I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon... I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed, from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain mine or your own without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Oriah Mountain Dreamer From "The Invitation" © 1999 Oriah Mountain Dreamer published by HarperSanFrancisco

quick update

still in india for about another three weeks...

found amazing yoga practice and energetically cleansing/growing daily

vegan AGAIN, for real this time (as much as possible in India, anyway)

so immensely grateful for everyone and everything, i love you all

the return of the rishi

serious realizations have occured and i am now ready to return to my country/state/city/town/house of birth :) man oh man am i ever excited. i will appreciate the west more than i ever thought possible. being able to eat food and drink beverages w/o wondering what is in it or where it came from, and w/o getting sick all the time, will be a blessing i am not soon to forget.

so in ten days time, i am leaving the subcontinent with a pitstop in bangkok, then to sunny southern california. right now i'm in the himalayas, in a tibetan area called Dharamsala. so beautiful and peaceful, so NOT india. a welcome respite from the insanity that prevails everywhere else.

i have decided my future, or rather, realized my true calling. i always knew where it would lead me, just didn't know how/when/why/where, etc....but i am coming home to start preparing for medical school. i plan on becoming an MD/ND (i like using slashes a lot in this post) so i have to retake my prereq's and the MCAT, and i'm so excited to do so. then in the future i will work to heal developing countries and impoverished nations. it's taken almost eight months to figure this out, but it's none too soon.

i'm so tired from my travels, i am really ready to settle down, not live out of my backpack, have more than two choices of clothes to wear, have a kitchen, my family, friends, and cat....and my country. i have so many stories, met so many people, been to so many places, i'm full of my travels. it will be hard to "tell about my trip" but i will do the best i can!

let's just say that now i wake up with the sunrise, don't eat a lot of sugar, drink minimal caffeinated beverages, go walking at least twice a day, do yoga and meditate as much as possible, read constantly, and don't talk all that much. sound like me? it's the new and improved liz. and i'm so much happier and more content. but that is not to say that i can't be put into a room full of strangers and make friends quickly. i am still social and friendly, and way moreso than before, i just realize the loss of energy that occurs in nonsense mouth flapping and eating unhealthfully.

anyway, that is where i am right now. loving the mountains, and about to embark on a serious journey home: an overnight bus trip, five plane rides, then i will step onto the land of my birth. and eat some good mexican food :) man i miss mexican food. it's funny the little things that get you when you are gone for so long. it's only been just over seven months chronologically, but it's been a lifetime and a half of experiences and growth and healing.

much love and light to you all!!

om shanti shanti shanti

Himalayas, here I come

Tomorrow morning I leave the 40 degree Celcius heat of Varanasi (that doesn't let up much in the night) and head to the cooler recourse of Rishikesh.... **sigh** I can't wait. This is where I plan to spend a month, if it works out: http://sadhanamandir.org/index.html

The research center sounds amazing, I might help out of possible. I have a few ideas for my future career, some involving Ayurveda and almost all involving medicine of some sort. Where I will study is the biggest question: India, the U.S., or both... I'm not sure. Everyday is different, so my opinion is constantly changing.

I get really fed up with the intensity of this area, and I hope the North is more like the South: relaxed, less populous, and cooler (temperature-wise). If anyone plans to travel to India, the area including Jaipur, Agra, Delhi, and Varanasi does not give you a good idea of what India is all about. I just met a very nice couple from the South and they also agreed that this area is "crazy."
It is so hot here, I really think I am melting. It is hard to cool off, sitting in the shade with a fan doesn't work, it makes it hard to function when you always feel like your brain is shutting off. Getting to the railway station tomorrow morning won't be so fun but what can i do?

I've met many cool people in the past few days, a lot of local interaction. Being alone is a welcome sign for everyone to come talk to you, thankfully a lot of children and some women have been included. I am so sick of the men, I just ignore them completely now. It is so normal to be rude to them, they expect it and if you are nice they just take advantage of the situation and always always always come on to you or try to sell you something.

But Rishikesh will be a retreat, for sure. Man, I am so excited. Enlightenment, here I come :)

India at last

I have made it to this wondrous land, full of adventure, excitement, thrills, and anxiety....this place is crazy. Not as bad as I had expected, but still more intense than you can really imagine. Between the people, the heat, the dirt, the horns, the trains, the buses, the cows, and the children...you become worn out the minute you open your eyes.

It has been two months, in a few days, that I have roamed these lands. The first two weeks were spent in a lovely yoga ashram just outside of Trivandru, Kerala. Southern India is so laid back and peaceful compared to the north. I would still be there if it weren't for the heat and rain that pushed my travel companion and I to head up north through Bombay to Rajasthan and now I'm in the tourist cyclone that is Utter Pradesh. Agra holds the Taj Mahal, Varanasi has the burning ghats and they mystical Ganges River, and Delhi is just full of insanity (i have yet to experience the latter). I cannot wait to escape further north into the himalayas, first stop is Haridwar and then Rishikesh for more meditation and yoga retreats. Then to Dharamsala to visit my old travel buddy and to hopefully see the Dalai Lama, and help out by volunteering with some Tibetan Refugees.

It is very hard to travel in India as a lone female, but I feel like I get stronger each day and soon I will be able to handle the most aggressive tout with a good balance of grace and sternness. Ignoring them usually works, but not always.

Lonliness has plagued my mind over the past week, it doesn't help that Indian women are not too friendly and also travel together and with their husbands/families, and are rarely outside of the home unless they are shopping. Only men hang out in the street and talking with them always leads to the wrong path, where the conversation ends with me running away.

I have done much reading and contemplating, and not enough yoga. But soon that will change, as the ashram life will afford me the time and schedule to get serious for a little while. I plan on staying in an ashram for at least a month, and then later taking a course in Ayurveda, but I'm not sure when that will be. They can be costly and you have find a good center which isn't always the easiest thing to do.

Wow the heat is intense, the sun shines upon your head at6:30 and by 7:30 and you already break into a sweat. One must wake up very early, then take rest during the day, then wake up again for the evening. A tiring schedule, indeed. It makes for a hard time when it is dangerous to be outside alone and you are alone....more time to read and write and meditate.

Eating healthfully is also not really an option, as everything is fried, full of oil/ghee (clarified butter), or sugar. I hope to find a room somewhere with a kitchen or at least an ashram with a healthy menu. We shall see...

Okay so I am alive and well in India :) so much has happened in the past month, I absolutely adore India, I am so glad I have a 10 year tourist visa so that I am able to stay here as long as I want and/or visit w/o having to deal with getting visas....sweeeeeeeeeet. India is amazing, I say almost everyday that I love this country. Even when I feel like total poop and I am crammed in a train with fifteen people where six people should sit, and babies are crying

i am strong, i am beautiful, i am me

I AM NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHING
by yogi sivananda

Let the whole world oppose me,
Let all turn out as my enemies,
Let all my friends and disciples leave me.
Let me be put in the prison,
Let me be sent on lifelong exile,
Let me be burnt alive,
Let me die of hunger.
Let me be poisoned or crucified,
Let my body be cut into pieces,
Let people come to stab or cut my throat,
Let me remain without anybody to help me.
Let thunderbolt fall upon my head.
Let me be thrown into the sea.
Let me be trampled under the feet of an elephant,
Let me be rolled down from the summit of a mountain.

There is no fear in my heart: none.
I am immortal Soul, Sivoham, Sivoham !
I have powdered Death, and Maya and its effects.




let's just say that this is how a broken heart feels, and i have overcome that obstacle recently. i'm still in pain and so confused in love's game, but i still feel my strength underneath it all and i know i will survive, and be a better person b/c of it. i've even started writing really good poetry, i see why so many great songs and poems come from heartbreak. i'm really impressed with myself, i will post some up here but some are a little too harsh and have too many bad words in them ;) those of you out there in love and with love, cherish it but don't let it blind you to who you really are. those of you w/o love, embrace your independence and do not wish for that which you don't have. be happy no matter what, with or without someone else's love you are still you and you are still beautiful. yes i am waxing poetic but i'm a poet now, goddamit :)

oh and i'm leaving southeast asia tomorrow morning and heading to India!! finally...wow i can't believe i'm actually leaving a love in SEA (southeast asia) and heading to the motherland. my pride and heart are in need of some comfort and care. my new adventures, wow. it's like a whole new trip for me. i'm a different person than when i left california. so much stronger, more open, confident, loving, and humbled. i never thought i would be able to go through what i've been through the past four months. it feels like it's been a year. but in SEA four months is like a year, it's comparable to 9 months in europe. backpacking here is easy but conditions aren't: guesthouses can be shite, food is rough, and locals can be very difficult. but it is so worth it and i wouldn't give it up for anything.

i'm ready for india, SEA is like bootcamp for india. i've stayed in rooms that were no more than a dirty dirty dirty mattress on the floor of someone's attic, with no toilet in the entire town (that pretty much consisted of a hundred people or so). i've starved while trekking for 8 hours up a mountain only to be squished by 6 other people in a double bed. i've eaten meat that would make a nutritionist cringe. i've been on buses for 10 hours packed with livestock and locals. i've held my heart and hand open to those in need and those that others would turn away, and i have no regrets.

tears come to my eyes right now b/c i'm at a crossroads and have made a very difficult decision, but i am choosing me for the first time in my life. i might be giving up something truly special but i will never know unless i let it go. if it comes back, then it was meant to be. but that letting go is so painful. i'm doing it even though it would be so easy for me not to, but i am. thanks to the support and love from my friends i am holding on to my integrity. i am so thankful for the experiences i've had and keep having. i'm so blessed in this life.

for today only anger not, worry not
be humble
with gratitude work on myself
be kind to all

these are beautiful pics for me b/c they were taken in my hometown: Del Mar, California. I love nothing more than blue sky and clouds above my head, and soft sand between my toes. I have had a severe lack of such things in SE Asia, which seems contradictory but it's true. Most of my time here has been in cities and on rivers, but not the beach. So I really miss Cali when I'm freezing my butt off in Viet Nam.

Here are some amazing pics from Viet Nam:

this is in a random alleyway in Ha Noi, so many motorbikes and these random tags on the buildings, I still haven't figured out what they mean...

i love this tower, it was at the Army Museum in Ha Noi. The Vietnamese flag is so simple, strong, and powerful. Perfect for this challenging and challenged country.

This amazing sight is Had Yao beach in Ko Pha-Ngan, Thailand ( the view from my guesthouse restaurant/bar, complete with lounging pillows, super energy leaves, and the most perfect Mojito EVER). The sand and the water was amazing. I had only one day of sunshine and four days of rain/clouds, but playing cards and drinking beers with my girl, Chantelle, and some Aussies, made the days pass by w/o worry. Isn't the water gorgeous? I can't wait to experience the other islands, but not without my Fernando, I promise.

I heart myself

Speak measured words, and control lingual diarrhoea. Develop the power of endurance. Lead a hard life.
-- Sri Swami Sivananda


i can't even begin to fully explain the importance of this quote. this is the exact lesson that i learned yesterday and now my heart has fully opened up to happiness, love, and loss of expectations.

since my last post i went to Si Phan Don, the 4000 islands in southern Laos, then back to Thailand (Bangkok and to Ko Pha-Ngan for NYE and back again to Bangkok), and now I am in Viet Nam on an island with one of the most amazing and beautiful people I have ever met.

all i can say is, keep your heart and eyes open and all will work out. when the worst situation in the world confronts you, do not run. follow your heart no matter how much it hurts and how scared you feel. i did just that and now i feel like i'm in a dream.

it's funny, so much has changed in the past month and a half but my plans to go to india and south america are the same. i have found so much during this trip, in me and in the world, and also in others. people are what make life worth living, people you love or people you can't stand, it doesn't matter.

the world is huge but also soooo small. i came to viet nam with anxiety like you would never believe. it was like i knew something huge was about to happen and man, was i right. i write this now as a different person than i was two days ago, let alone three months ago. i have been humbled. i respect the world in a different way. i have gone from hating my country to being proud to be american. i am proud to be myself. i can't be anyone else.

i highly suggest traveling in SE Asia or really anywhere that isn't a first world country, if that is all you know. open your mind and happiness follows. sorrow and hardship are best friends of happiness, but it is how you deal with them and overcome them, that really truly brings about bliss and contentment.

going to india is something i have to do, she calls to me all the time, but i think i found something in SE Asia that i've been looking for all my life: a mirror from which i cannot hide. once you face your fears headon there is no stopping you. strength and commitment to living abound. love conquers all.

be blessed my friends, you are all deeply loved and missed every day. i can't wait to see you all again and look into your eyes and give you all a big hug.

much love from Asia, the land of dreams :)