Letting it all go

So lately I've felt the collective unease of all those around me, and it does not feel good. It seems like every single person I'm in contact with, aside from one, is going through some serious sh*t. Like, deep down questioning of Self and the Universe kind of sh*t. And that takes a LOT of energy to go through, and to listen to... I know b/c I'm going through it, kinda, and mostly listening other people just getting started. I'm lucky that I've already done the deep soul searching and now I'm out of the chrysalis and already the butterfly, and now just getting things going. I know what I want to do and who I am, and I'm in the process of creating the life I want to live. Those around me are mostly just starting to question their lives and leave their current vocations. That is very frightening and exciting, and I seem to be attracting them b/c I have done the same thing quite successfully. I was way more open to spirituality, though, than these folks seem to be. Some of them don't even believe in God or anything like that. I feel for them b/c without my faith and trust in the Universe I would be totally lost and not even know what the heck was going on. With the knowledge I have now, it's easier for me to let go, let God, and trust that it's all going to work out just fine. I know why I'm here and I know how to ask for help and how to tap in and figure out what I need to do. I'm really lucky that way.

I know when I need to just go outside and breathe fresh air and walk around the trees and just release into the moment. I know when I need to forget my worries, eat some good food, release my pent up emotions through writing or whatever, and not just dump my crap out on everyone around me. I think I'm noticing how much I don't vent and don't dump on everyone else, in hopes that they will fix me or tell me what to do. I really know that I'm the only one that can help me and no one wants to deal with my stuff b/c they have their own. If anything, I don't talk enough, I don't share enough of how I'm really feeling.

The reason that I've lost contact with a lot of people over the past few years is b/c I really don't like getting into my "story" and just focusing on the bad stuff that I was dealing with. And I was immersed in a difficult situation and so I refused to be that person. I refused to label myself as someone "going through a hard time" and I buckled down and got my sh*t together. I did it through yoga, through Leah's meditation/energetic healing classes, through time in Nature, through making spiritual friends, through reading the collective works of Doreen Virtue (I read just about all of them), through watching inspirational movies and documentaries, and through prayer. I did it all. I did it alone. I did it well.

And now I'm here, still frustrated with the lack of "what I want" in front of my face, but at least I know that I have gone through the ringer and I'm way stronger for it. I've doven into my center and I've found the pearls. I've dug deep and come out of it clear, strong, vibrant, and present. I am a good example for others to see, but I can't do it for them. I won't pretend to think I can do anything for them other than model right energy. It's so refreshing to know that I can let it all go and not worry about them, as they are in God's hands and nothing can really go wrong. If they don't learn it in this life, they will have many more chances after that.

I noticed today how non-judgmental I am, and I am so proud of myself. That is huge, for it shows that I am so much closer to not judging myself! I see that everyone has their own pace, their own process, and it's all good. I don't judge them for judging, I know that they will learn it eventually, and I am just happy to feel the acceptance and compassion that I hold for them. My housemate is really unhappy right now and she really just doesn't realize that it's totally coming out in how she is reacting to what I do in my life. She made a totally judgey yucky face at my breakfast, and when I told her what bank I use she made a face like, "woah, that bank is evil, how do you live with yourself?" she is so unhappy with herself that she can't help but let her emotions and feelings show. It made me want to just hold up a mirror and say, "this isn't very nice of you, is it?" but I just decided to let it go and figure that she'll learn someday, it's not really up to me to create more negative karma for her by reacting to it. I thoroughly enjoyed my healthy and delicious breakfast and I'm fine with my bank, it was definitely an opportunity for me to feel the lack of resentment towards her and the compassion for why she is acting that way towards me. I didn't take it personally and I didn't react at all. I'm really learning to not give a crap about how anyone else feels about my life. So freeing and refreshing. And empowering!