Paying Attention

I've had loads of free time on my hands and in an effort to keep my sanity in check, I've been taking advantage of my Netflix access and the instant view options that are on many of the films. They are helping me realize that there is a spiritual message in everything, even in really poorly acted indie films that are only tolerable for about ten minutes. Actually it's tolerable for five minutes, then it's so bad you wait another five in hopes that it will get marginally better... and when it doesn't, it's time to cut bait. And it's time to appreciate a line in the opening monologue that came right at the perfect time in my time/space continuum: "If you don't look a little deeper [at things], you might miss a lot of good stuff."

This came at the same time I am rereading The Celestine Prophecy, which basically is all about realizing that there are no coincidences in this world, and every single person that catches your eye, every flash of intuition, every feeling or daydream, they are ALL meaningful and ALL carry a message for you, to help you on your current path. You just have to pay attention and dig a little deeper, and the nugget will show itself to you through that experience.

Take my current housemate (the only one of four that is around enough for me to see more than once a week): she is pretty active and rarely home aside from some evenings and even then has been accompanied by a new beau... And it would be so easy for to just say brief hello and not dig deeper into why she happens to be around for me to connect with without other distractions (ie other housemates). And every time I've taken the time to have an in-depth discussion with her (which just naturally occurs, as we are both very introspective and analytical and spiritual: a recipe for long in-depth conversations about anything) some amazing Truth has come out of it all, if not more than one, and I have found an answer to a question I've had or feel better about the path I'm on, and I've seen amazing parallels between our two lives that, without a doubt, re-emphasize that nothing is an accident and we were really destined to meet right now, at this point in time, and the urgency I felt to drive up here at least by Friday, July 2, was so that I could be here a few days after something big happened in her life. And I got to know the other housemates a bit before they took off for ten days. So now I know what to expect when they come back and it won't be a huge shock to have the house full after it's been anything but.

THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS, PEOPLE. None. I've been given this amazing chance to really just be with myself in this lovely grounding house, with no one to answer to and nothing to do, except feel. I chuckle as I write that, b/c how long have I spent avoiding just that? Feeling stuff? Are you kidding me? That goes against every rule I've learned throughout my life. I am so sensitive, but I never let myself actually process it all and I ended up kicking myself while I was down, and I wonder why I was so unhappy for so long, you know? Hindsight is 20/20, and now I can see why it all played out the way it did. And still is...

So now that I've been sequestered here in this house, I've really felt and released some deep old issues that happened when I was super young. I guess this is what people mean by healing your inner child. I really felt these emotions come up that started (at least in this life) when I was like 5 and 8, and I've forgiven my parents and myself, and fully accepted that it was an experience. And I let it go. The first time it happened I felt myself get a cold for fifteen minutes, then it disappeared as soon as I released the energy of being irritated at my brothers. The second time (last night) I let some big stuff go, and then I woke up and feel like a new person. Still me, just more hopeful. More alive. More vibrant.

I was crying on the phone with Laura yesterday, listening to her tell me what I already know: I needed to be alone in the emptiness without the distraction of friends. What I didn't know was specifically why... So last night I couldn't sleep and was forced to go inside, and discovered that apparently I had a huge issue with being alone and not having friends! Hello! Life really is so simple, we complicate it all the time and wonder why we feel confused... So after I really explored the experience of being lonely and angry when I was so young (being the only girl, I was constantly left out and had to play by myself most of the time), and letting it all go, I felt so much lighter and went back to sleep pretty soundly for a few hours.

AND I'm not so grief-stricken and overwhelmed with this vast open world I'm in, alone. I mean, alone as in not having playmates in the Bay, I'm know I'm not alone alone. But it's all good. I'm also excited b/c Melissa is coming up for a few days and then she's going to be on a farm during the month of August and I can visit her! Yeay! I also love being able to support her and be a part of her process, as she is definitely a part of mine. Same with Laura, they are both such gifts and I am so grateful!!

I feel like I lost ten pounds last night, all in fear weight. I just don't have that nagging feeling like something is wrong or the anxiety I felt before. Like I told Melissa: it's not that I don't have anything to do, I have EVERYTHING to do! How awesome is that? I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, and I don't even have to worry about money for another month. I'm really being given this great opportunity for play, fun, exploration, and acceptance of what is.

And I've found an amazing place to volunteer: The Co-Op For Gifted Children. It's totally refreshing and innovative in terms of education, they are totally focused on star children, they are in Alameda (as Carol predicted), AND they loved my email where I detailed my dream and vision for my work with these kids. They said my email was "uplifting" :) I figure I can volunteer there for now and eventually get hired on or meet a family through the program, to get a paying gig. Either way I gain experience with the kids, a chance to see how this type of establishment works, and I get to spend time doing what I was sent here to do! Perfect! All it took was perseverance and flexibility with my craigslist searches. I had been pouring over other sections for days and days (focused in Berkeley), and the first time I looked under education jobs in Alameda, I found something for the Co-Op.

Just keep getting up and listening to your guidance, and don't take no for an answer. It's just the universe saying, keep trying, there will be a different path! Keep going! Keep opening your heart!

There are no coincidences and there are no closed doors. Your will leads your way. Take risks, or life will pass you by. You never know what is around the next corner. And call your friends! They are in your life for a reason :) Trust me... Getting through this time without L & M would be torturous... I love you ladies!! See you both very very soon!!