Fernando

How I ended up in Laos for the 3rd time in two months is a miracle and a sob story all rolled into one. Kinda like life itself. We’re constantly getting over something rough only to have our hearts burst open from beauty, leaving us with confusion and joy and a question mark on the tip of our tongue.

I think I would’ve gone completely nuts had it not been for the constant “Sa Bai Dee” (hello) and “Kawp Jai Lai Lai” (thank you). I always loved the “lai lai” (pronounced like “lie”), how better to say “very much” than with an expression of delight. You can’t help but smile and feel a lightness in your chest when you hear a grown man say “Lai Lai” – or hear it coming from your own two lips.

This had come after a few weeks of pain and agony and ever-increasing love for the tattooed crazyman from Brazil. I couldn’t help myself but to keep traveling with this man, who I knew less and less as the days wore on. I continued to retreat even more into my deepest and darkest corner, waiting impatiently for him to light the match, to show me the way back to Life, back to reality, out of this sordid and confusing labyrinth of passion and power-play.

But he never did.

The only matches he lit were to light his never-ending joints and the incense that barely covered his stench. His infrequent showers and sweaty feet made our week of separate beds a blessing.

It was no surprise to me that a memory card virus destroyed all the pictures of him, of Viet Nam. An entire month wiped out: a weekend in Ha Long Bay, two weeks in Ha Noi, and a few days in my dad's old stomping grounds from his time in the Navy. This was a sad fact I learned months later in India while flirting with a brilliant internet café owner who made me feel more beautiful in five minutes than Fernando did in three months.

I can’t necessarily blame Fernando, for he did only as he knew best. He hated himself and his obvious weakness and internal ugliness, so he took it out on me.

I was just another lost soul filled with confusion, pain, fear, yet desperately hoping for someone to save me from myself. Sadly, we did not recognize that we could not save each other if we could not save ourselves, until it was too late.

We were the blind leading the blind. Or, in our case, the stoned ignoring the sad.

The night we said goodbye was the happiest and saddest day of my life up to that point. I shed not one tear at the airport (he had them pouring down his beautiful face), for I had watered the earth enough in the days previous and in the cab ride earlier that evening when he held my hand and lamented not having kissed me more and just how much he was really going to miss me. You think you want to hear how the one you love regrets not having loved you more, until these words ring throughout your empty chest, wishing he would just go away and leave you in peace.

But I was filled with excitement, jubilation, and a knowledge that once he was gone I could go back to being alive again. No longer would I be a slave to his insults, his control, his neglect. I was to be reborn in the very country where Mankind gave birth to itself. That very night I, and I alone, was going to India.

I knew I would cry the minute I stepped foot onto the sweet soil of the mother, and I was right. I was also deeply depressed. For not only was Fernando the proverbial thorn in my side for the previous three months, he was also the hand that I held, the warm body I slept next to, the lips that I kissed, the person I wanted to be with most in the world.

And now he was gone.

All I had left of him was the pit in my stomach and the pain in what was left of my heart.

It took about a month for me to realize it was truly over between us. I sat on a Pushkar rooftop in the morning sun, tears running down my face with a confused Sylvie by my side.

“Oh, honey, I thought you were over him,” she worried aloud.

“No, not yet apparently,” I took a deep and jagged breath, “I just now realized that we are never going to be together.”

No email had come, begging my forgiveness, him having seen the error of his ways once he got back home—realizing that I was “the one” and he was a fool to not have seen it before.

Nope… never came.

Better that way, I suppose, allowing me to truly get over him while wandering about on my solo spiritual quest, the plan that started this whole traveling thing in the first place.

I used to look back in shame that I almost gave up part of my India trip for him. Now I look back with pride for that shows just how much and how big I am capable of loving.

And I guess I always knew that where you seek your Truth is of no consequence—for it always is to be found wherever you are. You are the Truth. You are the Love. You are that which you seek.

I am Lucky.

I have Hope. I have Love. I have Peace.

I can only dream that Fernando has found this, as well. I pray that he knows his own Divinity, that he’s more than this tattoos, his stoned showers, his stinky feet, and his fierce Brazilian passion.

I have forgiven him as I have forgiven God, and therefore myself.

I can only hope that he can forgive us, as well.

Divine Inspiration

I cannot change
The shape of my face
I need to remember
I am full of God's grace

My body is not the same
as what you see on TV
I'm a natural woman
I have hills and valleys

I am beautiful and strong
I am a warrior, I am fierce
I've built an army of love
From my pain, from my tears

I can't help who I am
I must be true to my soul
My heart yearns to be seen
I must relinquish control

For the grace of God
flows through this pen
And when I allow it
I am peace, I am zen

divine inspiration
is the ultimate goal
I must share my light
The Truth must be told

I am me
I can't be you
To my own self
I must be true

I am me
I can't be you
To my own self
I must be true

Strength in Numbers

It's rough out there
in this world of ours
We keep working harder
To cover up our scars

but in those scars
there's beauty to behold
they are your truth
they're the story of your soul

You may hide your face
when the tears wash down
but takes a lot of strength
to keep your feet on the ground

if we could learn
to share our pain
there'd be no more fear
only love would remain

we have strength in numbers
we are here for each other
so take my hand
you're my sister and my brother

we have strength in numbers
we are here for each other
so take my hand
you're my sister and my brother

I'm all about the love
And I am blessed
I have a huge heart
Inside my chest

There's more than enough
To go around
If you're searching for truth
In here it's found

Life is not just
Black and White
Open up your mind
And see the light

Let go of fear
Stand up and be proud
What does your heart say
Scream it out loud

I'm here to listen
I want to know
I want the story
Of your soul to be told

we have strength in numbers
we are here for each other
so take my hand
you're my sister and my brother

we have strength in numbers
we are here for each other
so take my hand
you're my sister and my brother

I hear you say
That I am wise
It's cuz I'm an old soul
Look into these eyes

You'll see no fear
And only joy
Come and gather round
All you girls and boys

we have strength in numbers
we are here for each other
so take my hand
you're my sister and my brother

we have strength in numbers
we are here for each other
so take my hand
you're my sister and my brother

Be the Change

Let's make a difference
In this world today
Let's be the change
We'll show them the way

To open up
and receive God's grace
And keep the that smile
Upon your face

Let's be the change
That we're lookin' for
We don't want no more sorrow
We don't want no more war

Peace can reign
If we let it be
Let's be the change
That we want to see

chorus

So get your act
together my friend
Cuz lovin' the earth
is the new fashion trend

We don't own the land
We don't own the sea
All the birds in the sky
They're not our property

We're all a part
of the precious earth
It's from her womb
We were all given birth

It's all her air
In which we breathe
Again, be the change
that you wish to see

chorus

So keep it real
and get it straight
It's up to us
to appreciate

all the beauty and love
around us all the time
just open your eyes
and step out of your mind

Word Up

True happiness comes
from within, no doubt
There's no need to be
livin' without

For joy is the only
truth today
without truth
there is no game to play

No life to lead
For you're not in control
Let go of constraints
step into your soul

Word up, I manifest love
Word up, I have help from above
Word up, Let it flow from within
Word up, It's the only way to win

Life is a game
It's your turn at bat
Make sure you know
Where your team is at

You need a friend
To catch you when you fall
You are not alone
Not now, not at all

Reach out and take
that outstretched hand
we all walk together
we are all part of the land

Take comfort in knowing
we all have God's love
and whenever you ask
you get help from above

Word up, I manifest love
Word up, I have help from above
Word up, Let it flow from within
Word up, It's the only way to win