letting go

so two days later, it has become clear to me that i was completely correct the other day and I was definitely going through an energetic purging and healing, all through my relationship with my housemate and with the situation i've found myself in lately. It's funny that you can have so much happen for you and to you without the other person even being aware of any of it...

I ended up finding a passage in "Oneness" that corroborated this phenomenon. It told of experiences we have that may seem like total overreactions or completely misguided in terms of who is involved in the issue. In other words, why would this person cause me to feel this way, and this intensely? B/c that is precisely why we are all here now and what we need to do for each other.

B/c of the past few days, I have discovered and healed this super wound I was carrying around with me, and now I'm able to be in an intimate relationship free from all that baggage and expectation. I even had an amazing evening with another housemate where true connections and understanding were present, all b/c of the openness I feel due to my earlier clearing and processing. I had to have the space to let all of that flow through, and not impede the energetic flow with anything else (and other people always help create the "anything else").

I get the best information when just lying on my bed/foam pad, when I really dig in and let go of what I think my experience "should" be. It's my sacred space and I am immensely and eternally grateful for it :)

Sitting with emotions (8/21/10)

Okay so I am back here to the proverbial chopping block, waiting to be freed of yet another piece of the armor I used to wear to "protect" me from life and love and the good stuff I always missed out on, for fear of getting hurt and feeling something bad. Now my philosophy is: bring it on! I am so ready and willing and able, it's on for sure.

I just got to a cafe and realized how strong and powerful and amazing I really am. Not in an arrogant way, just really felt in my power and understood the level of Lizness that I now embody. I was feeling sad b/c I don't have a schedule these days and not a lot of money nor people to spend it on and with. I am left with myself (scary) and figuring out what the hell to do and why I feel so sad. I'm not scared or worried, just really sad. I even had a dream last night that had the same emotion as the fabric that held it all together, and I woke up feeling that same sadness. Just so alone, so alone and not like a loser b/c I am alone, just a kind of knowing that I will be alone for a long time. It doesn't make sense in this time and space, I think it's a relic from a different time, but it is really making itself known right now and I just want to cry when my housemate doesn't want to hang out with me (doesn't help that I have a crush on him and just want to spend all day giggling and chatting and basking the fun energy of mutual crushy yumminess) b/c he is busy with his music and wanting alone time hiking in Tilden. I so wish I could be a part of his experience, yet I know that it would ultimately just be me running away and escaping my own experience, and just pushing this off to the side and ignoring what I really need to be focusing in right now this second in front of my face.

I had a few options of daylong excursions with people, and I chose to say no b/c I knew I had to deal with something and there is a reason for this all. As I'm saying this, a really uncomfortable feeling came into my stomach, like I don't want to see this and I want to hide from it b/c I feel like an idiot for being alone. Why wouldn't I want to hang out with new people or go swim up in Humboldt all weekend... b/c I need to be with me right now. As uncomfortable and yucky as I feel right now, this is serving some divine purpose and I need to trust that and give myself a huge freakin break.

**Deep Breaths**

There is a reason I'm not connecting with housemates in terms of hangout time lately, there is a reason I am here in this cafe right now, there is a reason I'm single and without a job, there is a reason I am wearing my furry boots and sipping a delicious beverage, all while writing my cares away.

I miss the moments of travel where I could just go out and do whatever there was to be done, and meet cool people in the process. I had this whole day with crush_boy planned in my mind: wake up, get coffee/tea and snack at Gratitude, walk around town, go on a hike, have picnic in park, go to brunch at A & Ps house tonight, and come back to hang out in the backyard or possibly go somewhere where we can actually see the stars. How amazing does that sound? I am so ready to have some friends or a partner that is wanting to do the same thing. As I write that last part I feel a constriction in my solar plexus... weird. Am I afraid to lose my power in a relationship, or am I trying too hard to make it happen? I am getting that the last part is the truth of the matter. The best laid plans... something something. Just not MY something something, apparently.

I am bored, I am lonely, I am uncomfortable, I am sad, I feel like I'm nothing, in a way. What is this? And why are my friends not able to talk on the phone?

Ugghhhh.... I just feel like crying. I could cry right now. My eyes are definitely tearing up. If I were in SD I would go on a beach/canyon walk and connect to Source at the sacred bluff space I found so healing and helpful. I would so love to be in a space like that, and GG park with the Grandmothers was so not my scene today. I couldn't be real with that many new people. So where am I supposed to go now? I just got that where I need to go, is inside. I am here, I can feel and see the bluff inside my mind's eye right now, and I always have that with me. I miss my family, I miss being able to talk with my mom and have her be sober, I miss my dad telling me he's proud of me and that he loves me. I miss being a part of my family. I miss having a family. Even the folks in Seattle were down with family time on the weekends and not randomly busy mixing music and doing their own thing without everyone else.

Into the light

Okay so I just did a little venting session and deleted all that I just wrote... Whew, feel a bit better now. I was struggling on Sunday and Monday for a number of reasons, but last night it all worked itself out! I spent the day doing my thing, taking care of myself, and then just ignored my housemates rather than getting pulled into Joanna's need for family time, and I ended up feeling amazing! Melissa will feel so much more welcome and comfortable now than if she arrived earlier. A lot of tension was building up in me and last night it just dissipated when I started really being still and not judging myself and being fully supportive and smart about my situation and my life. It's really all good. All good. It's hard sometimes and we just need to learn to deal with it and make it work without killing other people or taking it out on the world. If you need to hide away, hide away. If you need to go on a drive, go on a drive. Do whatever you need to do and do not feel bad about it. B/c once you feel better, the whole world smiles back at you and thanks you for being strong and mature enough to deal with it on your own.

Go team!

Trusting the Universe

I was just telling Joanna yesterday that I knew something was going to work out for my housing situation, and that it would be perfect for the place I'm in (in terms of life journey), and it would work itself out in time and even though I have ten days to figure it out, I am not stressing nor getting antsy or crazy with wondering when and how it will work out. I just knew it would. It always has in the past, and it always will. Stressing just causes unnecessary pain and strife, so this time I made a conscious decision to let it go and surrender and watch the universe unveil the delightful treasures as the time comes for me to accept them into the present moment.

And last night, after an unsuccessful roommate interview, I received an email that gave me the good happy vibes all over, and the knowing that it is definitely all good and my opportunity was handed to me on a silver platter, with a smile and a "good on ya" from the universe. I did good. I patiently waited and was rewarded in turn. And perhaps I was a good example for Joanna, as I told her something would work out and now it is working out just as I knew it would.

I haven't yet spoken to the people in the house yet, but I know in my heart that it is the perfect place for me to be. One housemate emailed me yesterday and then today another one decided to email me and let me know that she is definitely in line with having me live there, just from reading my posting on craigslist. It just feels so right! She is a super yogini and I am definitely looking to be surrounded by similar high vibrational energy, and they even run a superfood business through their co-op. It's in the perfect part of town, right near Yoga Kula and literally just on the next block over from where I used to live! They could even share backyards... crazy how things work out when you let them.

I just remembered Carol telling me that "the community you are looking for is in Berkeley, and the job is in Alameda." And now I found the children's program in Alameda and this communal house in Berkeley... awesome :)

And I just made a new friend last night! We got along right away and she even likes yoga, so she can be a yoga buddy! She will probably be in the city, but I can visit her and we can talk Astrology b/c she's super into it like I am. She's a believer. She even blogs and walks a lot, like me. It's funny b/c we were both interviewing for the same place in a house, and neither of us really wanted to live there. She wants to live in the city and I want to live with yoga people. Funny how that happens. I knew beforehand that I wouldn't want to live at the house but I also knew there was some reason for me to go anyway, and my new friend was the answer!

So today I'm definitely feeling really good. I bought some tea for myself (I've been out of tea for a week) and I was excited to make it this morning, plus my housemates all left and retreated to their rooms when I woke up, thus freeing up some breathing room... Having the kitchen to myself is such a rarity these days, I fully appreciate it when I can rinse something in the sink without anyone hovering over me and stealing the water from me occasionally. Can't they wait until I've rinsed off a dish before they have to rinse their fruit? Seriously, people, give me some freakin space! And all the pots are always dirty, I am so glad I am leaving that house in less than ten days, or else we would have to seriously talk about how we all operate in the kitchen. But as it is, I am leaving, so I can just do my thing and make the best of it and not delve into serious personality clashes.

I just think it's amusing now when I can literally feel the judgement coming from people, and knowing that they have some serious sh*t to work on. It has nothing to do with me and I feel so strong in living my life exactly how I want and know it is meant to be lived, and not caring what other people think or how they react to my life. I'm so above and beyond all that crap, it's so freeing. I feel like I can fly! My housemate totally judges everything all the time, and I know she does it to herself, too, so I have compassion for her process and don't take it personally. It irritates me but doesn't hurt me, if that makes sense. I just don't want to be around it and would never live with her again. I'm so not looking for anyone to constantly scrutinize what I'm doing, where I'm going, what I'm eating/drinking, and to actively and obviously judge it and not even try to hide her reaction (which is usually negative and critical). My parents don't even do that! Thank God! If she does that to me, what does she do to herself, or to her partner? Man oh man... it must be hard to be her.

My life just keeps getting better and better, as I keep repeating in these posts. It's true though, and I'm so happy about it. I'm not always sunshine and rainbows, b/c the ungroundedness of my life at the moment can be really tough emotionally, and I keep an even keel when it comes to maintaining my sanity and connection to Source. I take off when I need to escape the house, I close my door when I need alone time, I'll go to the woods when I need Nature to help myself clear, I'll go on walks when I need to move the energy, I'll call friends when I need to hear their voice and to know they are there, and I'll go buy food when I need to eat. I'm taking care of myself in a way I've never done before and it feels so amazing, I'm so in love with my life.

I told Laura that my life is like a treasure hunt, I just keep moving forward and looking out for clues, and gems keep popping up in the form of friends, lessons, experiences, cafes, a ha! moments, music, etc... I just keep myself open, keep loving, keep staying connected, and it all works out! It all works out. It really does. I have total faith and trust and things just keep falling into place, one by one. I love it. Lovelovelove it. Thank you god, thank you universe, thank you friends and family, thank you everything and everyone! And thanks to me for making this happen, and allowing it to unfold. I'm living it! Go me!

Letting it all go

So lately I've felt the collective unease of all those around me, and it does not feel good. It seems like every single person I'm in contact with, aside from one, is going through some serious sh*t. Like, deep down questioning of Self and the Universe kind of sh*t. And that takes a LOT of energy to go through, and to listen to... I know b/c I'm going through it, kinda, and mostly listening other people just getting started. I'm lucky that I've already done the deep soul searching and now I'm out of the chrysalis and already the butterfly, and now just getting things going. I know what I want to do and who I am, and I'm in the process of creating the life I want to live. Those around me are mostly just starting to question their lives and leave their current vocations. That is very frightening and exciting, and I seem to be attracting them b/c I have done the same thing quite successfully. I was way more open to spirituality, though, than these folks seem to be. Some of them don't even believe in God or anything like that. I feel for them b/c without my faith and trust in the Universe I would be totally lost and not even know what the heck was going on. With the knowledge I have now, it's easier for me to let go, let God, and trust that it's all going to work out just fine. I know why I'm here and I know how to ask for help and how to tap in and figure out what I need to do. I'm really lucky that way.

I know when I need to just go outside and breathe fresh air and walk around the trees and just release into the moment. I know when I need to forget my worries, eat some good food, release my pent up emotions through writing or whatever, and not just dump my crap out on everyone around me. I think I'm noticing how much I don't vent and don't dump on everyone else, in hopes that they will fix me or tell me what to do. I really know that I'm the only one that can help me and no one wants to deal with my stuff b/c they have their own. If anything, I don't talk enough, I don't share enough of how I'm really feeling.

The reason that I've lost contact with a lot of people over the past few years is b/c I really don't like getting into my "story" and just focusing on the bad stuff that I was dealing with. And I was immersed in a difficult situation and so I refused to be that person. I refused to label myself as someone "going through a hard time" and I buckled down and got my sh*t together. I did it through yoga, through Leah's meditation/energetic healing classes, through time in Nature, through making spiritual friends, through reading the collective works of Doreen Virtue (I read just about all of them), through watching inspirational movies and documentaries, and through prayer. I did it all. I did it alone. I did it well.

And now I'm here, still frustrated with the lack of "what I want" in front of my face, but at least I know that I have gone through the ringer and I'm way stronger for it. I've doven into my center and I've found the pearls. I've dug deep and come out of it clear, strong, vibrant, and present. I am a good example for others to see, but I can't do it for them. I won't pretend to think I can do anything for them other than model right energy. It's so refreshing to know that I can let it all go and not worry about them, as they are in God's hands and nothing can really go wrong. If they don't learn it in this life, they will have many more chances after that.

I noticed today how non-judgmental I am, and I am so proud of myself. That is huge, for it shows that I am so much closer to not judging myself! I see that everyone has their own pace, their own process, and it's all good. I don't judge them for judging, I know that they will learn it eventually, and I am just happy to feel the acceptance and compassion that I hold for them. My housemate is really unhappy right now and she really just doesn't realize that it's totally coming out in how she is reacting to what I do in my life. She made a totally judgey yucky face at my breakfast, and when I told her what bank I use she made a face like, "woah, that bank is evil, how do you live with yourself?" she is so unhappy with herself that she can't help but let her emotions and feelings show. It made me want to just hold up a mirror and say, "this isn't very nice of you, is it?" but I just decided to let it go and figure that she'll learn someday, it's not really up to me to create more negative karma for her by reacting to it. I thoroughly enjoyed my healthy and delicious breakfast and I'm fine with my bank, it was definitely an opportunity for me to feel the lack of resentment towards her and the compassion for why she is acting that way towards me. I didn't take it personally and I didn't react at all. I'm really learning to not give a crap about how anyone else feels about my life. So freeing and refreshing. And empowering!

How does it get any better than this?

These days just keep getting better and better! I spent the day bonding with my housemates, the lovely Joanna and Scott :) I have made some really truly amazing friends and it's only been two weeks! Shannon makes three and Julie downstairs definitely counts, too. Four friends already! Go me!

AND I just met Bassnectar's assistant... a cool lady named Lia. I'm so going to meet Bassnectar in the foreseeable future... they just don't know it yet. I even know where he lives... woohoo!

i laughed a lot, connected a lot, shared a lot about my life and what I want to accomplish and really just was my true self all day long and didn't give a rat's behind what other people thought and felt about me. It is so nice and empowering! Go me!!

Holy Wow

Oh my goodness, today was quite possibly one of the best days of my life. And I'm not even remotely dating anyone (which usually ups the awesomeness quotient of life, for sure). I don't even know anyone in Berkeley or the Bay to date. I am just stoked on life. My life. The life I have created for myself, not the life I've found. I just read a George Bernard Shaw quote that says just that: Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself.

I don't even know who that guy was but I'm sure Google and Wiki will tell me! Hmm an Irish playwright. Cool. I love the internet! I spent most of today online and I love it. Love love love it.

Today I really pieced together a lot of joy for myself, mainly by being open and willing to receive what was out there, no matter what it looked like or where it came from. I listened to my inner guidance and heaps of love and bounty were given to me all day long.

I started out by going to my first yoga class in Berkeley, and absolutely loving it. It was only an hour, so it was a perfect way to get back into it and sample a new teacher and studio. I talked with a few people there before the class and they of course were like-minded folks, and one woman was even from La Jolla and knew people at my high school and went to Cal, as well. Funny how that happens... of course I wouldn't have found that out if I didn't sordof force her into talking to me. I'm a more pushy friendly now :) I'll talk to people even if they aren't super open to it at first. I love it! You make your own fun that way and learn so much. It's great when you don't have many contacts somewhere, so you can get your people time regardless.

I was planning on asking about a work-trade but decided against it, then when I came out of class I decided to thank the front desk girl for her help and saw a note posted to the monitor announcing the availability of work trade positions! So I told her I was interested and she said they are really in need of people, and I can get free classes and workshops AND spend time working at an Anusara yoga studio! I love Anusara! I was wondering how I would do in the class, b/c I've only focused on Anusara for six months, but apparently Myriam did a good job b/c I did so well, I was really proud of myself. My practice is so strong and I'm so much more strong and flexible than I used to be on all levels.

AND I got another volunteer gig that might turn into paying position, at the Niroga Institute, and they bring yoga to at-risk and underserved populations. They go into schools, prisons, juvenile hall, drug recovery centers, troubled youth centers, etc... So I can help doing whatever they need. They are also doing research to prove the benefits of yoga and meditation.

I'm just literally watching my life and schedule fill up nicely before my eyes, with activities I love and feel passionate about! That's what I'm talkin' about! How does it get any better than this??

Paying Attention

I've had loads of free time on my hands and in an effort to keep my sanity in check, I've been taking advantage of my Netflix access and the instant view options that are on many of the films. They are helping me realize that there is a spiritual message in everything, even in really poorly acted indie films that are only tolerable for about ten minutes. Actually it's tolerable for five minutes, then it's so bad you wait another five in hopes that it will get marginally better... and when it doesn't, it's time to cut bait. And it's time to appreciate a line in the opening monologue that came right at the perfect time in my time/space continuum: "If you don't look a little deeper [at things], you might miss a lot of good stuff."

This came at the same time I am rereading The Celestine Prophecy, which basically is all about realizing that there are no coincidences in this world, and every single person that catches your eye, every flash of intuition, every feeling or daydream, they are ALL meaningful and ALL carry a message for you, to help you on your current path. You just have to pay attention and dig a little deeper, and the nugget will show itself to you through that experience.

Take my current housemate (the only one of four that is around enough for me to see more than once a week): she is pretty active and rarely home aside from some evenings and even then has been accompanied by a new beau... And it would be so easy for to just say brief hello and not dig deeper into why she happens to be around for me to connect with without other distractions (ie other housemates). And every time I've taken the time to have an in-depth discussion with her (which just naturally occurs, as we are both very introspective and analytical and spiritual: a recipe for long in-depth conversations about anything) some amazing Truth has come out of it all, if not more than one, and I have found an answer to a question I've had or feel better about the path I'm on, and I've seen amazing parallels between our two lives that, without a doubt, re-emphasize that nothing is an accident and we were really destined to meet right now, at this point in time, and the urgency I felt to drive up here at least by Friday, July 2, was so that I could be here a few days after something big happened in her life. And I got to know the other housemates a bit before they took off for ten days. So now I know what to expect when they come back and it won't be a huge shock to have the house full after it's been anything but.

THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS, PEOPLE. None. I've been given this amazing chance to really just be with myself in this lovely grounding house, with no one to answer to and nothing to do, except feel. I chuckle as I write that, b/c how long have I spent avoiding just that? Feeling stuff? Are you kidding me? That goes against every rule I've learned throughout my life. I am so sensitive, but I never let myself actually process it all and I ended up kicking myself while I was down, and I wonder why I was so unhappy for so long, you know? Hindsight is 20/20, and now I can see why it all played out the way it did. And still is...

So now that I've been sequestered here in this house, I've really felt and released some deep old issues that happened when I was super young. I guess this is what people mean by healing your inner child. I really felt these emotions come up that started (at least in this life) when I was like 5 and 8, and I've forgiven my parents and myself, and fully accepted that it was an experience. And I let it go. The first time it happened I felt myself get a cold for fifteen minutes, then it disappeared as soon as I released the energy of being irritated at my brothers. The second time (last night) I let some big stuff go, and then I woke up and feel like a new person. Still me, just more hopeful. More alive. More vibrant.

I was crying on the phone with Laura yesterday, listening to her tell me what I already know: I needed to be alone in the emptiness without the distraction of friends. What I didn't know was specifically why... So last night I couldn't sleep and was forced to go inside, and discovered that apparently I had a huge issue with being alone and not having friends! Hello! Life really is so simple, we complicate it all the time and wonder why we feel confused... So after I really explored the experience of being lonely and angry when I was so young (being the only girl, I was constantly left out and had to play by myself most of the time), and letting it all go, I felt so much lighter and went back to sleep pretty soundly for a few hours.

AND I'm not so grief-stricken and overwhelmed with this vast open world I'm in, alone. I mean, alone as in not having playmates in the Bay, I'm know I'm not alone alone. But it's all good. I'm also excited b/c Melissa is coming up for a few days and then she's going to be on a farm during the month of August and I can visit her! Yeay! I also love being able to support her and be a part of her process, as she is definitely a part of mine. Same with Laura, they are both such gifts and I am so grateful!!

I feel like I lost ten pounds last night, all in fear weight. I just don't have that nagging feeling like something is wrong or the anxiety I felt before. Like I told Melissa: it's not that I don't have anything to do, I have EVERYTHING to do! How awesome is that? I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, and I don't even have to worry about money for another month. I'm really being given this great opportunity for play, fun, exploration, and acceptance of what is.

And I've found an amazing place to volunteer: The Co-Op For Gifted Children. It's totally refreshing and innovative in terms of education, they are totally focused on star children, they are in Alameda (as Carol predicted), AND they loved my email where I detailed my dream and vision for my work with these kids. They said my email was "uplifting" :) I figure I can volunteer there for now and eventually get hired on or meet a family through the program, to get a paying gig. Either way I gain experience with the kids, a chance to see how this type of establishment works, and I get to spend time doing what I was sent here to do! Perfect! All it took was perseverance and flexibility with my craigslist searches. I had been pouring over other sections for days and days (focused in Berkeley), and the first time I looked under education jobs in Alameda, I found something for the Co-Op.

Just keep getting up and listening to your guidance, and don't take no for an answer. It's just the universe saying, keep trying, there will be a different path! Keep going! Keep opening your heart!

There are no coincidences and there are no closed doors. Your will leads your way. Take risks, or life will pass you by. You never know what is around the next corner. And call your friends! They are in your life for a reason :) Trust me... Getting through this time without L & M would be torturous... I love you ladies!! See you both very very soon!!

my jobby job

Once again I've found myself at my "job": in a cafe, drinking a soy chai latte, surrounded by Berkeley students and apparently blending in as one (a few people have openly assumed I am a student and I didn't necessarily correct them... hopefully I'll get some sort of discount as some point. One of them also said I was probably 22 or 23. I'll take that :) I knew I should've gotten that fake student ID card in Bangkok, it would have come in handy so many times already! especially for airline tickets...)

anyway, this seems to be my daily task: walk 5 miles roundtrip, spend time blogging / craigslisting / emailing / researching, stare out window at passerbys and wonder where they are going and what their life is like, and pray that my life will fall into place as well as I would LOVE it to. I'm doing the work, I'm following the guidance, I'm working very hard and not freaking out when things don't work out the way I would like them to, and I'm calling friends when I absolutely cannot take the silence anymore. Even if you all don't answer, at least I hear your voice and can make some sort of indirect contact. Thank God for cell phones and the internet. I seriously have really really begun to fully appreciate the technological age in which we currently live. It is SO easy to get places, to meet people, to keep in touch, to learn about life outside of your little bubble, and to just experience the variety of life that used to be completely untouchable.

I watched "Sense and Sensibility" the other night, and realized how crazy I would be if I wasn't able to fully express myself, or do something to be in some control of my own life, and to not even be able to walk a man to the gate outside of my house alone for fear of societal reproach. I mean, c'mon! I guess that is why Indigos are here now and not then ;) that would've been some show!

So now we have cell phones, cars, planes, computers, computers in our phones, and an amazing capability of communication and connection that we have NEVER known before. This is huge, people! This type of life has NEVER been lived before. Aside from the inevitable magnetic fields and radiation and waste that accompanies such objects, they are truly a gift and I fully embrace them all and love the chance that i've been given in this life. I have a freakin iPhone, MacBook, iPod, and sweet digital Camera, and a nice car that isn't too nice so as to not attract unwanted attention... all this without a job. I mean, c'mon. I am so lucky. It doesn't go to my head nor give me "white man's guilt" anymore, I just fully appreciate what I have been blessed with in this life.

I had this thought the other day: how can people be racist, especially if they believe in God, b/c God is the one who created our situation, not me. So according to that philosophy: God made me white, born into my well-to-do and generous family, and it wasn't something I decided upon so as to make other people "less than" and suffer. They shouldn't be mad at anyone, if anything they should be mad at God.

Oh, well. I know it's something they have to learn and it's not for me to question their process. Just something that has come up recently. I just know it's in my face b/c I now live in "the ghetto" for this month, according to some kid I overheard as I was walking today. He was walking with some friends and said, "yeah, over there, past that street, that's the ghetto." I just laughed and thought back to my days of living in lower Haight in SF, when crackheads roamed the street and gunshots were not so surprising... It has affected me more this time. Maybe b/c I know more than I did then, and I was way more careless then. I also lived there with three of my good friends. This time it's just me and it's not that I'm not scared at all, if anything the people have been super nice and way more friendly than Del Mar people have ever been, it's just different. It adds to the huge adjustment I am not making by being up here.

It shows how much I trust people and the universe, for I absolutely know in my heart, without question, that I am perfectly safe at all times. And so is my stuff. I just know. What is more difficult for me, is seeing the degradation of the neighborhood; trash everywhere and people driving around without stopping at stop signs, nonchalantly walking across a busy major street when their light is red... and not being able to talk to anyone without them hitting on me and making it absolutely imperative to not talk to them again. They just take it to a level that is so not necessary.

I know I'm a young woman, pretty attractive, very friendly, and obviously not scared to live in the ghetto... but I do not need to always get asked if I'm single, what I'm doing later, and other obviously slimy comments. It's just so not necessary. I guess now I just need to see why this is happening to me and what I'm supposed to learn from it. I know that I'm not letting it get to me like it would in the past. I used to get so scared by it and not have any boundaries, and get upset when people didn't respect the boundaries I thought they should just expect that I have, if that makes any sense. I expected other people to create my boundaries for me, and then respect them. Ha! Fat chance.

So now I am fully aware of my big ol' fat boundaries and I'm so not letting anyone beyond those. As soon as they get into the schmoozy energy, I am out of there. I give them a chance, and then that's it. I then become married to a big ol' wrestler with anger and jealousy issues, who just got out of jail for attacking someone who asked me what time it was... oh, and he breeds pitbulls for fun. The mean kind...

I did not know this post was going in this direction, but that is what I've been dealing with recently. So there you go.

A tide has turned

Today is like a breath of fresh air. I still feel energetically tired, but in my heart I feel happy and blissful and I have had a smile on face most of the day (except when I was reading "The Omnivore's Dilemma" and started to get a bit riled up about corn, of all things. Random, yes, but don't get me started...) I am very much aware of my present situation and what is going on with me and my environment. I am here now, given an opportunity for much needed rest, clearing, and preparation for what is to come. I am going to be very very busy in the near future, and in order to do what I need to do most efficiently and successfully, I need to be at my best and brightest without any doubt in my mind.

So I have been given this impeccably timed week where I just arrived, and two of my three flatmates are out of town for ten days, the third is not around so much, and the downstairs neighbor is dogsitting this week. At first I was a bit upset b/c I wanted to be surrounded by laughter and people and activities and collective meals... only to wake up day after day alone and occasionally having a quick convo with Julie or Shannon, and that is it. Plus the internet connection isn't sufficient for proper streaming of movies or quick clips, so youtube and hulu and all that are totally out of the question. I often wondered what I would do if there were no TV around and I was as exhausted as I am now. The TV at my house in San Diego had super cable and lots of movies and documentaries and I could always find something intellectually stimulating if not just entertaining.

Now I'm finding out what it's like to really make good use of this freedom... I haven't even been called to do much crafty work or drawing, other than what I did on Sunday while listening to the campanile concert on campus, so it's no wonder I felt that I was going slowly insane until yesterday, when I rediscovered my writing. And then I had a great conversation with Melissa in the evening, and I just felt... well, like me again. I hadn't felt that present or stable since Saturday. It had been a long four days, let me tell you.

Today I've been doing stuff all day, but not in the way I thought I "should" before. I already have an interview tonight for a room in a big co-op and it seems like a great way to connect with other people. I've responded to some job postings and I keep getting shown these little teasers, little reminders of why I'm here and what I will be doing very soon. They aren't exactly what I'm looking for, b/c I have to create the program myself, but they are just enough to keep me on track and to know that I am totally supported and guided at all times.

I'm realizing just how passionate I am about food, farming, the direction of this country, and even the world. We are moving away from sustainability, reliability, accountability, and community. I don't get saddened or disheartened by any of this. It really makes me want to work even harder with the children so they will be aware of all this. People just don't know what is going on and are so distracted by the media, they don't even think to question the food they are putting in their mouths and their children's bodies. When I sat down with my parents and very calmly explained all that I've learned about food production and farming, my dad just said, "well, I believe that you are totally right about this." No arguments, no questioning of sources, just total acceptance of the truth. He knew I did my homework and b/c I didn't get outraged and yell at him about the food on his plate, he was really open to what I was telling him.

I don't know if he will change his eating habits at all, but at least he is aware. Or was aware for the twenty minutes I was talking. It made me really understand the power of knowledge and of a calm demeanor. I read somewhere recently that if you discuss something in a calm and friendly manner, people are bound to think you wise. If you argue about the same topic, people will think you pompous and irritating and will most likely become defensive. So if you want someone to listen to you, be friendly. Know the facts, and say them with a smile and earnestness. Passion doe not mean screaming in someone's face. It means walking your talk and using your own life as an example.

I know that nutrition, yoga, meditation, and travel have all changed my life. Saved me from the doldrums of ordinary existence. I will be so happy when I can share this with kiddos and have them experience it for themselves. I had a conversation with myself today and basically explained what I want to do with kids and why, and I was so impressed with my clarity of vision. I know what I want to do, I know what I want to say, and I know that I am fully capable of doing it right now. Just like Carol said, I don't need any further training to do what I'm here to do. She said, there might be a one year certificate I feel that I need, but I really don't need anything. That certificate may be the yoga training at the Niroga Institute, although I'm not sure if I really want to do that just yet.

Yesterday I was chomping at the bit, ready to go full speed ahead, into the next big thing. Today I am sitting back, realizing that I'm in the middle of something huge already, and I'm enjoying the ride. Deep breaths, upturned corners of my mouth, and warm fuzzies in my heart... what else could a girl ask for...

I have landed...

...and kicked up so much dust in my present place of existence, sometimes it's hard to see my hands in front of my face. Feeling my feet on the ground is even more difficult, partly b/c I'm flying on a cloud right now, and partly b/c the energy of this place is so fantastically different than anywhere I've been in a long time. Probably since I left the Bay back in 2006. And even then I rarely made the trek over here since 2004. Regardless, it's so good to be back.

It's like reuniting with an old lover from your youth. You have both changed, yet remain very much the same. It's familiar and awkward to the extreme, varying with your mood, the time of day, and the places you go. At times I am happier than I've been in my life, and at times I'm more sad that I can remember. So much loss and pain and suffering happened at the hands of this lover, and so much forgiveness and love and acceptance are being issued. The hatred is quickly being replaced with the golden rays of sunshine, and I am in the middle, watching the exchange take place, taking great care to not grasp the shreds of fear and memories as they flow down the drain of release.

The dust that was kicked up by my landing is slowly settling, and I have been aware that sitting quietly and still are of the utmost importance. Only that way will I not inhale and reintroduce the previous patterns and beliefs of my follied youth. I have spent much time in solace, nursing my wounds that have been reopened and manipulated so as to allow for the most efficient and healthy healing process. Basically it's super painful and hard to move at many points during the days and nights. Even as I write this tears form in my eyes and I am in awe of my own courage and strength, as this is no easy task that I am in the process of successfully completing: following my heart and soul to really create a life of bliss, purpose, and change. No, this is no easy task. Easy is not even in the same area code.

I thank my teachers of the past for helping me see my potential, for helping me cleanse myself of the inner clutter and opening up to the will of a bigger and greater purpose than that of just little ol' me. I was so unhappy living for myself, working to pay my bills and just keep my head above water. I always felt that there was so much more, something I was missing, and I didn't shy away from opening the door to my salvation.

So even as I sit in this cafe, with more emotions going on in my heart than people drinking caffeinated beverages around me, I know that I am "sitting in limbo" just like the lyrics to the song that played overhead when I first got here. Talk about a message from Spirit. I'm always getting these little flickers of divine guidance on the radio, wherever I am. Keeps me connected and happy and listening to music. They definitely know what they are doing...

And so do I, it turns out. From my own little psychic reading today, I realized that I am almost to the finish line in this epic race, and yes I am exhausted, yes I am worn to the bone, yes it would be so easy to just lay down right here and catch my breath and ease my aching being, but the finish line is just over there and I can see the shining flags of patience, fortitude, stick-to-it-iveness, and that is what keeps me going. I know that the gifts I will receive once I reach my goal are so out of my comprehension levels right now I can't even fathom how amazing they are and how they will feel, and that alone is worth it all. So I pick my head and heart back up, carry them with the strength of Spirit by my side and in my soul, and keep moving toward the finish line. I am so close, too close to give up now.

I have been gifted an amazing strength of will, and I can withstand a heck of a lot, and then revive myself back to a state of even more strength and willfulness, and keep on fighting the good fight. Even though it's not really a fight, it's a balancing act. Balancing self care with motivation, fear with courage, strength with gentleness, freedom with comfort, and light with shadow.

These past few days have been more difficult than any other time of my life, for I have no distractions, nothing to fill myself up with, and I am left with only the awareness of what is. Can't count of my hand how many people I know that can say that same thing... not that it makes me feel better about myself, it actually reminds me of just how much of an Indigo I really am. Sometimes I think we were all crazy for agreeing to these conditions... and then I read about the oil spill, or Arizona's immigration law, or children not able to go to school simply b/c of where they live, and I remember why we agreed to sacrifice so much to cause so much change in our world. And maybe agreed is not the right word, we probably literally jumped out of our heavenly seats, shouting, "Me! Me! Let me do it! Send me down there, I want to do it!!" and now here we are... in our human body vehicles, and so confused as to what the heck happened and why no one understands us... If we can't understand ourselves, how can anyone else get a clue? That is the funniest part of it all. We truly are unique and fiery. Talk about a square peg in a round hole...

I am so glad that I remembered this blog, as a means of expressing myself to others and put my writing talents to use. It always felt so good to get out on paper or the screen all the stuff bouncing around my head and weighing my heart down. And maybe, it sparks something inside of you, and makes you laugh, cry, cringe, and get outside of yourself long enough to get some new perspective on your own life. Sometimes that is all it takes. After all, isn't that what friends are for?