so two days later, it has become clear to me that i was completely correct the other day and I was definitely going through an energetic purging and healing, all through my relationship with my housemate and with the situation i've found myself in lately. It's funny that you can have so much happen for you and to you without the other person even being aware of any of it...
I ended up finding a passage in "Oneness" that corroborated this phenomenon. It told of experiences we have that may seem like total overreactions or completely misguided in terms of who is involved in the issue. In other words, why would this person cause me to feel this way, and this intensely? B/c that is precisely why we are all here now and what we need to do for each other.
B/c of the past few days, I have discovered and healed this super wound I was carrying around with me, and now I'm able to be in an intimate relationship free from all that baggage and expectation. I even had an amazing evening with another housemate where true connections and understanding were present, all b/c of the openness I feel due to my earlier clearing and processing. I had to have the space to let all of that flow through, and not impede the energetic flow with anything else (and other people always help create the "anything else").
I get the best information when just lying on my bed/foam pad, when I really dig in and let go of what I think my experience "should" be. It's my sacred space and I am immensely and eternally grateful for it :)
Monday, August 23, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Sitting with emotions (8/21/10)
Okay so I am back here to the proverbial chopping block, waiting to be freed of yet another piece of the armor I used to wear to "protect" me from life and love and the good stuff I always missed out on, for fear of getting hurt and feeling something bad. Now my philosophy is: bring it on! I am so ready and willing and able, it's on for sure.
I just got to a cafe and realized how strong and powerful and amazing I really am. Not in an arrogant way, just really felt in my power and understood the level of Lizness that I now embody. I was feeling sad b/c I don't have a schedule these days and not a lot of money nor people to spend it on and with. I am left with myself (scary) and figuring out what the hell to do and why I feel so sad. I'm not scared or worried, just really sad. I even had a dream last night that had the same emotion as the fabric that held it all together, and I woke up feeling that same sadness. Just so alone, so alone and not like a loser b/c I am alone, just a kind of knowing that I will be alone for a long time. It doesn't make sense in this time and space, I think it's a relic from a different time, but it is really making itself known right now and I just want to cry when my housemate doesn't want to hang out with me (doesn't help that I have a crush on him and just want to spend all day giggling and chatting and basking the fun energy of mutual crushy yumminess) b/c he is busy with his music and wanting alone time hiking in Tilden. I so wish I could be a part of his experience, yet I know that it would ultimately just be me running away and escaping my own experience, and just pushing this off to the side and ignoring what I really need to be focusing in right now this second in front of my face.
I had a few options of daylong excursions with people, and I chose to say no b/c I knew I had to deal with something and there is a reason for this all. As I'm saying this, a really uncomfortable feeling came into my stomach, like I don't want to see this and I want to hide from it b/c I feel like an idiot for being alone. Why wouldn't I want to hang out with new people or go swim up in Humboldt all weekend... b/c I need to be with me right now. As uncomfortable and yucky as I feel right now, this is serving some divine purpose and I need to trust that and give myself a huge freakin break.
**Deep Breaths**
There is a reason I'm not connecting with housemates in terms of hangout time lately, there is a reason I am here in this cafe right now, there is a reason I'm single and without a job, there is a reason I am wearing my furry boots and sipping a delicious beverage, all while writing my cares away.
I miss the moments of travel where I could just go out and do whatever there was to be done, and meet cool people in the process. I had this whole day with crush_boy planned in my mind: wake up, get coffee/tea and snack at Gratitude, walk around town, go on a hike, have picnic in park, go to brunch at A & Ps house tonight, and come back to hang out in the backyard or possibly go somewhere where we can actually see the stars. How amazing does that sound? I am so ready to have some friends or a partner that is wanting to do the same thing. As I write that last part I feel a constriction in my solar plexus... weird. Am I afraid to lose my power in a relationship, or am I trying too hard to make it happen? I am getting that the last part is the truth of the matter. The best laid plans... something something. Just not MY something something, apparently.
I am bored, I am lonely, I am uncomfortable, I am sad, I feel like I'm nothing, in a way. What is this? And why are my friends not able to talk on the phone?
Ugghhhh.... I just feel like crying. I could cry right now. My eyes are definitely tearing up. If I were in SD I would go on a beach/canyon walk and connect to Source at the sacred bluff space I found so healing and helpful. I would so love to be in a space like that, and GG park with the Grandmothers was so not my scene today. I couldn't be real with that many new people. So where am I supposed to go now? I just got that where I need to go, is inside. I am here, I can feel and see the bluff inside my mind's eye right now, and I always have that with me. I miss my family, I miss being able to talk with my mom and have her be sober, I miss my dad telling me he's proud of me and that he loves me. I miss being a part of my family. I miss having a family. Even the folks in Seattle were down with family time on the weekends and not randomly busy mixing music and doing their own thing without everyone else.
I just got to a cafe and realized how strong and powerful and amazing I really am. Not in an arrogant way, just really felt in my power and understood the level of Lizness that I now embody. I was feeling sad b/c I don't have a schedule these days and not a lot of money nor people to spend it on and with. I am left with myself (scary) and figuring out what the hell to do and why I feel so sad. I'm not scared or worried, just really sad. I even had a dream last night that had the same emotion as the fabric that held it all together, and I woke up feeling that same sadness. Just so alone, so alone and not like a loser b/c I am alone, just a kind of knowing that I will be alone for a long time. It doesn't make sense in this time and space, I think it's a relic from a different time, but it is really making itself known right now and I just want to cry when my housemate doesn't want to hang out with me (doesn't help that I have a crush on him and just want to spend all day giggling and chatting and basking the fun energy of mutual crushy yumminess) b/c he is busy with his music and wanting alone time hiking in Tilden. I so wish I could be a part of his experience, yet I know that it would ultimately just be me running away and escaping my own experience, and just pushing this off to the side and ignoring what I really need to be focusing in right now this second in front of my face.
I had a few options of daylong excursions with people, and I chose to say no b/c I knew I had to deal with something and there is a reason for this all. As I'm saying this, a really uncomfortable feeling came into my stomach, like I don't want to see this and I want to hide from it b/c I feel like an idiot for being alone. Why wouldn't I want to hang out with new people or go swim up in Humboldt all weekend... b/c I need to be with me right now. As uncomfortable and yucky as I feel right now, this is serving some divine purpose and I need to trust that and give myself a huge freakin break.
**Deep Breaths**
There is a reason I'm not connecting with housemates in terms of hangout time lately, there is a reason I am here in this cafe right now, there is a reason I'm single and without a job, there is a reason I am wearing my furry boots and sipping a delicious beverage, all while writing my cares away.
I miss the moments of travel where I could just go out and do whatever there was to be done, and meet cool people in the process. I had this whole day with crush_boy planned in my mind: wake up, get coffee/tea and snack at Gratitude, walk around town, go on a hike, have picnic in park, go to brunch at A & Ps house tonight, and come back to hang out in the backyard or possibly go somewhere where we can actually see the stars. How amazing does that sound? I am so ready to have some friends or a partner that is wanting to do the same thing. As I write that last part I feel a constriction in my solar plexus... weird. Am I afraid to lose my power in a relationship, or am I trying too hard to make it happen? I am getting that the last part is the truth of the matter. The best laid plans... something something. Just not MY something something, apparently.
I am bored, I am lonely, I am uncomfortable, I am sad, I feel like I'm nothing, in a way. What is this? And why are my friends not able to talk on the phone?
Ugghhhh.... I just feel like crying. I could cry right now. My eyes are definitely tearing up. If I were in SD I would go on a beach/canyon walk and connect to Source at the sacred bluff space I found so healing and helpful. I would so love to be in a space like that, and GG park with the Grandmothers was so not my scene today. I couldn't be real with that many new people. So where am I supposed to go now? I just got that where I need to go, is inside. I am here, I can feel and see the bluff inside my mind's eye right now, and I always have that with me. I miss my family, I miss being able to talk with my mom and have her be sober, I miss my dad telling me he's proud of me and that he loves me. I miss being a part of my family. I miss having a family. Even the folks in Seattle were down with family time on the weekends and not randomly busy mixing music and doing their own thing without everyone else.
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