Sitting with emotions (8/21/10)

Okay so I am back here to the proverbial chopping block, waiting to be freed of yet another piece of the armor I used to wear to "protect" me from life and love and the good stuff I always missed out on, for fear of getting hurt and feeling something bad. Now my philosophy is: bring it on! I am so ready and willing and able, it's on for sure.

I just got to a cafe and realized how strong and powerful and amazing I really am. Not in an arrogant way, just really felt in my power and understood the level of Lizness that I now embody. I was feeling sad b/c I don't have a schedule these days and not a lot of money nor people to spend it on and with. I am left with myself (scary) and figuring out what the hell to do and why I feel so sad. I'm not scared or worried, just really sad. I even had a dream last night that had the same emotion as the fabric that held it all together, and I woke up feeling that same sadness. Just so alone, so alone and not like a loser b/c I am alone, just a kind of knowing that I will be alone for a long time. It doesn't make sense in this time and space, I think it's a relic from a different time, but it is really making itself known right now and I just want to cry when my housemate doesn't want to hang out with me (doesn't help that I have a crush on him and just want to spend all day giggling and chatting and basking the fun energy of mutual crushy yumminess) b/c he is busy with his music and wanting alone time hiking in Tilden. I so wish I could be a part of his experience, yet I know that it would ultimately just be me running away and escaping my own experience, and just pushing this off to the side and ignoring what I really need to be focusing in right now this second in front of my face.

I had a few options of daylong excursions with people, and I chose to say no b/c I knew I had to deal with something and there is a reason for this all. As I'm saying this, a really uncomfortable feeling came into my stomach, like I don't want to see this and I want to hide from it b/c I feel like an idiot for being alone. Why wouldn't I want to hang out with new people or go swim up in Humboldt all weekend... b/c I need to be with me right now. As uncomfortable and yucky as I feel right now, this is serving some divine purpose and I need to trust that and give myself a huge freakin break.

**Deep Breaths**

There is a reason I'm not connecting with housemates in terms of hangout time lately, there is a reason I am here in this cafe right now, there is a reason I'm single and without a job, there is a reason I am wearing my furry boots and sipping a delicious beverage, all while writing my cares away.

I miss the moments of travel where I could just go out and do whatever there was to be done, and meet cool people in the process. I had this whole day with crush_boy planned in my mind: wake up, get coffee/tea and snack at Gratitude, walk around town, go on a hike, have picnic in park, go to brunch at A & Ps house tonight, and come back to hang out in the backyard or possibly go somewhere where we can actually see the stars. How amazing does that sound? I am so ready to have some friends or a partner that is wanting to do the same thing. As I write that last part I feel a constriction in my solar plexus... weird. Am I afraid to lose my power in a relationship, or am I trying too hard to make it happen? I am getting that the last part is the truth of the matter. The best laid plans... something something. Just not MY something something, apparently.

I am bored, I am lonely, I am uncomfortable, I am sad, I feel like I'm nothing, in a way. What is this? And why are my friends not able to talk on the phone?

Ugghhhh.... I just feel like crying. I could cry right now. My eyes are definitely tearing up. If I were in SD I would go on a beach/canyon walk and connect to Source at the sacred bluff space I found so healing and helpful. I would so love to be in a space like that, and GG park with the Grandmothers was so not my scene today. I couldn't be real with that many new people. So where am I supposed to go now? I just got that where I need to go, is inside. I am here, I can feel and see the bluff inside my mind's eye right now, and I always have that with me. I miss my family, I miss being able to talk with my mom and have her be sober, I miss my dad telling me he's proud of me and that he loves me. I miss being a part of my family. I miss having a family. Even the folks in Seattle were down with family time on the weekends and not randomly busy mixing music and doing their own thing without everyone else.