so today i figured out that i am totally human and ashamedly american. instead of going to the gym and spending time at home and online doing responsible things, i elected to hightail it down to university heights (near downtown san diego) and hang out at a coffee shop drinking iced coffee and eating a delectable cornmeal blueberry muffin. then go to yoga this evening. not only am i human, but i am way more into the immediate satisfaction than the other kind. at least right now. but i figure that if your level of happiness or sadness is any kind of way to determine your life, then you should listen to how you feel. the thought of being alone all day was really depressing, and the thought of hanging out down here made me happier, so went with the latter. even though it is totally unhealthy to sit here and enjoy my non-organic cafe goodies...
so that brings me to a point of contention that i'm having with myself. it seems that my organic lifestyle was so easy to keep up in seattle, but isn't so easy here. at least not if i want to hang out with other people and not be shut up in my house or whole foods. let's take last night as an example, i was super lonely and bored, and wanted to spend time with my oldest friend in the world, so i did just that. but instead of being good and healthy by detoxing and meditating alone at my house, i got slightly intoxicated, and ate not-so-good-but-still-expensive mexican food and some apple pie. totally unhealthy and non-organic. and spent money. BUT i wasn't lonely...i actually had a good time. my body didn't, but my heart and head did. but then i end up kicking myself for being "bad." maybe i just need to realize that I can't be so pure in an unpure world. and i shouldn't be so hard on myself. i have been really hard on myself lately. i think my mom is harsh but i am really my own worst critic.
side note: i just drank water out of a nalgene that has been sitting in my car for two days...and it tastes like plastic. i can't help but thinking of all the chemicals i'm putting into my body right now. gross. i forgot my kleen kanteen at home....man i'm way to aware of all the environmental toxins around me. ignorance was bliss...
but back to what i was saying, is it better to be lonely and have my body feel good, or not be lonely and do things my body doesn't like? is balance the key?
something else i realized lately: money can buy happiness, in this country, anyway. i spent money this weekend to keep myself happy. i bought yoga classes, gas to shuttle myself to and from the happy part of town and depressing north county, books to read to get me excited about traveling to india (and not get caught up in my current and very temporary boredom), coffee/tea at coffee shops so i can sit in them for hours and not feel lonely, good organic foodstuffs so when i eat at home i know i'm getting nourished, and i spent money to have some company. so money did buy me some happiness. but again, is it just the temporary kind? how do you know? will my current happiness keep me open to longer-lasting satiation, or will it keep me in this endless cycle of up and down and up and down.... i think by being happy now i do open myself to more opportunities to be sustainably happy.
about being intoxicated: it is a communal activity. especially in my peers. people get together for a beer or a smoke. and if you don't drink or smoke, what do you do? i remember meeting this guy in Seattle that didn't do either, he didn't even drink coffee. i found this out b/c he owed me $5 and i was thinking of a way he could pay me back (he was really worried about owing me money. he was a super nice guy, i met him at an Ama gathering. she's the hugging guru from India. he gave his earlier ticket to my friend b/c she had to wake up super early, and he walked me to my bus at 2am so i wouldn't be alone. like i said, just super duper nice. i missed my bus and we ended up taking a cab to my house then i drove him home, which is how he ended up owing me money) if he didn't do anything "bad" i wondered what the heck he did for fun so i actually asked him that. it turned out that he volunteered at lot at this rather unknown free restaurant aimed towards helping the homeless and students, run by Hare Krishnas. so for fun he hung out with Hare Krishnas. wtf. i definitely do not want to hang out with a spiritual cult, but i don't want to drink or smoke just to have friends... i need new friends. ones that aren't just into numbing themselves. only living in SD for a few weeks makes that difficult. oh well, i will sleep in the bed that i made for myself. i am here b/c i made the decision to come down here. no one made me do it. i keep reminding myself of that...
the gas thing is really getting to me. i have tried not to drive too much, but that just keeps me in del mar, i don't like to walk around there too much b/c it gets old really quickly and the people around there don't take kindly to "hippies." they think i'm weird b/c i don't drive a BMW or wear Armani or drink Starbucks. i get sick of being stared at. i realize that i'm going to deal with that in india but it'll be easier to be stared at in another part of the world than being stared at by my american neighbors. so i drive down to where my sister-in-law and brother live, the awesome part of san diego that has the urban/suburban mix that i adore. sunshine, coffee shops, yoga studios, museums, parks, gay bars, pubs, all surrounded by cute houses. i even look better up here. at my parents house i look like crap but then i look at myself here and i'm like, hey good lookin' ;) my favorite times in SD so far (aside from KT's visit) have been riding bikes with my sister-in-law to and from yoga and breakfast. i seriously love it. i can't wait to be able to ride a bike around thailand and laos.
i recently tried to buy a cheap used beach cruiser but didn't find one cheap enough. but i would still have to drive to get out of north county. so it's either, use up gas or be unhappy. for a week i had a good balance of spending every other day here, but now i'm finding that on the days i'm not here i am so much more sad. so is it okay for me to put my desires ahead of taking responsibility for the earth? at least i'm not driving an hour, just 20-30min. but i'm still driving. and i'm still making myself happy now...but will it make me happy in the long run? it's hard for me to live in the now and not worry about the future. i know i shouldn't worry about anything but i am way too compassionate not to worry about the earth.
one good way of looking at this situtation, is that the earth is going to be fine. in the long run. we are the ones that have to worry. we will be kicked off at some point. and the earth will be fine. so i'm not really hurting the earth, i'm hurting the human race. and i'm soooooooo careful to not throw out anything that could be re-used or recycled, and i am an avid composter (so much that i even save things when i'm out so that i can compost them at home), and i buy mostly in bulk and don't buy lots of plastic, i try to buy stuff i glass containers and save them to store my bulk items... so i can use this little bit of gas to keep myself happy. i'm no good to anyone when i'm sad.
it's like in yoga class when the teacher asked us why we do yoga, and i agreed with her that i do yoga b/c it makes me a better person and that benefits the whole world, not just me. when i'm happy and centered, i'm a better Liz. so i might be using up gas but i hope the cost:benefit ratio is really low. much more benefit than cost.
i really need to stop kicking myself about making poor decisions. hindsight is 20/20. bottom line: increase meditation and lifestyle balance, decrease self-deprecation and money worries. no more "should-ing all over myself."
we'll see how i will keep all this up whilst traveling...
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